Fighting depression with Testosterone LOG.

MonsterTruckr

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Good morning fellas. So I'm on day 10 of my 500mg/wk test E cycle. This is my first test/injectable cycle. I figured I'd start a log and see what you guys think. This is a personal experiment in an attempt to get my life back in order. This IS NOT a workout log, I'll post before and after pics and weights, but they are a secondary concern for me. I am already strict with my diet and work out program, this will be mostly about the psychological effects I experience from this cycle. I know I'll gain and get stronger, but my goals are to do all of that an figure out how hormones effect me psychologically. I absolutely DO NOT recommend illegal steroid use in the treatment of psychological disorders. If you are depressed GO SEE A ****ING DOCTOR.

I am 27 and had VERY low T when I started this cycle. I've been battling severe depression for roughly 6 months, and refused to get on any sort of anti-depressant before getting my hormone levels checked and some experimentation. Basically I went through a horrible break up, car accident with head/neck injury, and lost my 100K a year oilfield job... wound up off work from October to January... stress was definitely an issue.

I do have a psychologist and psychiatrist who both support my experimentation with hormones before drugs. Funny thing is my psychologist actually asked if I was planning on trying a test cycle because he knows I am a hardcore "performance enthusiast" in just about every aspect of my life... I am a mechanic, and was a year away from my mechanical engineering degree before I started in Oil. I told him it was a very strong possibility, and he just smiled and said he could not "Professionally" support that, but that he was proud of me for finding the motivation to work through my issues. My psychiatrist thinks that getting my hormonal issues straight before trying drugs is a "wise" choice.

I don't have my lab numbers with me at work, but I was low T (free and total), high E, and possibly hypothyroid. My doc explained that I was low, but in range for TSH, but with all my other symptom including low T that it was very possible I was subclinically hypothyroid. He also explained that this may have been slowly developing, and the stress of the major life changes sent me into a downward spiral. My doctor does not know I am running a cycle, but offered to send me to an endocrinologist to get an expert opinion. He said they would *more than likely* put me on TRT, and possibly thyroid meds. That was enough for me to jump into my first test cycle.

emotional status/issues before cycle: I don't feel "sad" I just don't feel anything at all, and my emotional reactions are generally unpredictable and not appropriate. No real anger issues, just generally don't respond "appropriately" in many situations in comparison with how I used to react before these issues started. I am generally more nervous/anxious. This may sound strange, but I cannot pee in a urinal if anyone is anywhere near me anymore. That was never a problem in the past, and it caused extreme anxiety. I realize now that I had become very submissive and very passive aggressive. I am a supervisor, and have been struggling with making non critical decisions. Basically, I just did't give a **** about anything that wasn't critical, but when guys are looking for a leader every little decision is critical. Indecisiveness is a fatal flaw for many supervisors, and I was Also my sex drive is hit or miss, and erection quality is sub par, but I can always get it up and finish. Basically I have zero interest in women as a whole, and could care less about sex unless it's just thrown at me. Sex doesn't really give me the a thrill or any real satisfaction. To sum this all up: I had ZERO motivation to do anything.

So far I've made a few beginner mistakes, but trust me that I am hell bent on making this cycle work the best it can. I hope others can learn from my success and failures. I've spent roughly 2 total months researching before I ordered. I ran a mild superdrol cycle 10/10/20/20 in 2012 with great results and zero issues. I was in significantly better shape than I am currently.

So now that you guys have the background here's what's going on so far:

Everything I bought was pharmacutical grade.

Day one: I let my test ampule sit in 105 degree water for 30 miutes. The difference in viscosity of the test E between room temp and body temp is very significant, the heat made the injection very easy even with my hands shaking like crazy. Used the "Z track" method of injecting in my middle outer left quad. I used an 18g needle to draw up the test, and a 22g to inject. I had never stuck or cut myself before, but it was actually very easy. Piercing the skin didn't hurt at all, but the layer immediately under the fat stung a bit. Overall injection pain was minimal, and I'm a pansy when it comes to pain. My adrenaline was going crazy after I injected, mostly because I had assured myself I was an idiot and going to die. Once I calmed down and realized I wasn't dieing, I felt nothing. Had mild PIP start around 2 hours post injection, went to bed 4 hours after injection.

Day Two: I woke up, stood up, and immediately let out WHAT THE ****?! My quad was stiff, sore as hell, and I liked it! Pain was about a 4/10. About as sore as leg day after taking a year off of lifting. No swelling/redness/heat. Took 800mg advil, and walked about 2 total miles that day. Soreness got better with movement.

Now here is where I start seeing hope: roughly 20 hours post injection I got a MASSIVE surge of energy. I felt the best I can EVER remember feeling w. It wasn't drug like at all, it felt 100% natural. The depression lifted, and I felt EUPHORIA! I was calm, cool, and felt a sense of true peace and warmth I haven't felt since I was a kid... went to a buddies house, drank a couple of beers on the patio and relaxed for the first time in months. I was so excited and felt so good, I almost cried driving home. I know what you're thinking... 20 hours post injection WTF? Yeah that's exactly what I thought too... My only guess is that my body and brain were so deprived of T that when it got the first little boost it sent a shock through my system. I didn't expect to "feel" anything until two-3 weeks.

Day 3 Woke up feeling like **** again... no happiness, no difference from before the cycle. A friend of mine passed away, and I took it very hard. I cried more than I "normally" would have and overall was a wreck. I should have taken note of the extremely over emotional reaction as I now know this was more than likely due to my estrogen spiking. Leg was still as sore as the day before.

Day 4 Woke up with VERY sore nipples... ****! Immediately took .5mg of anastrozole (arimidex). This was my first dose because I was waiting for E sides to kick in. I now know this was stupid because I already had high E to begin with. About two hours later my nips got less sore, and I started to feel more calm and collected. That feeling lasted for roughly 4 hours and I went back to baseline. Nips still hurt. Roughly 12 hours after my Adex dose, someone sent me a text that sent me into a rage like I haven't felt in years. It reminded me of puberty... My mind knew I was being an idiot, but I couldn't stop being angry. I was at home alone and keeping myself from communicating with anyone, but I couldn't calm myself down. About 30 minutes in, I grabbed the other .5mg of adex and chewed it up. I felt it kick in HARD about an hour later, and peace fell over me again... I was thoroughly freaked out, because the anger issues were VERY unusual. I started researching High E and to my surprise rage is a side of high E not high T! That explained the calming effect of the adex.

Second injection of 250mg before bed in right quad. No issues!

Day 5: Still no positive mood change, very depressed. VERY sore nips. Immediately took 1mg adex upon waking. An hour later, I felt "better" again. Still not the happy feeling from Day 2, but "better" is the only way to describe it. Once again 4 hours later I was back to baseline... nothing interesting to report. Leg soreness was gone in first leg. Second leg was very sore.

Day 6: LUMPS! ****ING LUMPS IN MY TITS! Woke up felt my nips and there were ****ing lumps under the nipple on both sides... Gyno. FML. I immediately took 1mg adex, it did it's 4 hour thing... in my gyno induced panic I used the last 6 pumps of my formeron when the adex wore off. I didn't feel anything from the formeron, which was unusual because I usually feel something from it. So this time I waited a total of 8 hours and redosed 1mg adex.

Right around dinner time I got my second round of "Euphoria". As the adex kicked in the feeling from day 2 came back! I was so excited, my nips weren't sore and out of nowhere I got a spontaneous boner! I was stoked. I went out on a date that night, saw a movie, and felt like a whole new man. Something else happened... I wanted to **** this woman's brains out. I felt like a 17 year old again. I was assertive, confident, happy, and horny! I felt like the "old" me again!

The lumps in my nipples were still there so I took 20mg tamox citrate.

Day 7 Woke up feeling like ****, but nipples were doing better... but now I finally started to understand that my Estrogen was clearly out of control. Took my usual 1mg adex, felt ok for a while. Injected my 3rd injection 250mg test. Took another 1mg adex tab 8 hours after the first, but no special feelings happened this time. Also took another 20mg dose of Tamoxifen at bed time. I also went back to work today, I work two weeks on two weeks off. Both legs were not sore anymore.

Day 8 Woke up like every day before, but the nipples were getting better. I dose my 2mg of adex 8 hours apart like the previous days. It was still "wearing off" 4 hours after it kicked in. My confidence had come back at work though. I had no issues looking people in the eyes, no issues making decisions, and overall felt more "manly". Still feeling depressed, but overall better. 20mg tamoxien at bed time. Almost no PIP in my left leg from it's second injection!

Day 9 Woke up feeling slightly better than the day before. Nips were better, and lumps would go away while the adex was working. I noticed a significant reduction in what I think is "bloat" today too. I looked jacked, my belly fat was much less apparent, and I could clearly see my top 4 abs.

My veins have arrived! When I was in highschool I had freakish veins everywhere. My forearms have not looked the vascular in YEARS! Clearly something is happening.

I still felt overall tired and depressed, but I was relieved that it felt like I was getting some sort of handle on the situation. Dosed my 2mg adex and 20mg tamox like the other days.

I decided to order some exemestane because if 2mg of adex isn't getting the job done, I might be a non responder... I almost ordered letro with it, but I'll give the exemestane a shot and see if I respond better. Should be here Monday.

I did my 4th injection right before bed because I knew today I would not have time.

Day 10, Today Last night I woke up with a RAGING boner... I don't remember the last time a boner woke me up, but damn! I feel ok today. I had the motivation to write this... I see hope. Veins are bulging, fat is visibly down, and overall I'm feeling more in control. Nips are still lumpy when I wake up, but overall much less sore. My Gyno issues are not visible other than puffy nips, but mine have always been puffy so I don't really care as long as they don't get worse.


Summary:


Now, I don't expect the "depression" to lift until I get my estrogen under control. It's now clear that it is a very serious issue with me, and could possibly be what's been throwing me off this whole time. Knowing what I know now, I would have given the Adex a trial run for a week or two before starting this cycle. This whole experiment has been a slightly reckless and desperate attempt to battle depression. I'm learning

I have been lifting regularly eating properly and haven't noticed any notable progress yet... I don't expect to see anything until weeks 4-5. I have hope from those two days where I had brief periods of feeling like my old self again. I will be getting more bloodwork done in week 3 when I come home again.
 

Viking23

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I hope you figure out what is troubling you but you should get a hormonal blood panel done. You can even get it yourself for like 50 dollars but get the female blood panel. You need to see what everything is at. Your test, lh, FSH, e2, thyroid , etc. There can be so much going on and it can be a quick fix but you may make it worse if you don't know what your levels are at. I would just stop now and wait a few weeks (2-3) and get bloods done and then you have a baseline and aren't firing in the dark.

I also wouldn't run a cycle but a trt dose and see if that would work. And then you cycle your hearts desire once you are back to normal! Good luck homie, be smart and stay safe.

Vike
 

Viking23

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Plus you don't even know your gear is legit. If you have issues I would want pharmaceutical grade to use as experiment because ugl gear is very shady and there are tons of fake/bunk/ and even mislabeled gear out there!

Vike
 

kisaj

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May I ask why you are taking 500mg of test to address depression? You basically added multiple variables with that dose and will now need to chase them down.
 

swole33

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get a blood test, test Test levels and estrogen levels.

lower your test dosage in the meantime to 250, control your gyno with an AI or nolva.. add alpha GPC for mood and libido..
 
TheMovement

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Do you talk to anyone about what's on your mind? You said you had a few drinks with a buddy but sometimes ya just need someone to listen. Hope things have continued towards a better path as I see pros and cons. When's your next doc apt?
 

PatMcGroin

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Also my sex drive is hit or miss, and erection quality is sub par, but I can always get it up and finish. Basically I have zero interest in women as a whole, and could care less about sex unless it's just thrown at me. Sex doesn't really give me the a thrill or any real satisfaction. To sum this all up: I had ZERO motivation to do anything.

LOL- Sounds like my life after being in a 6 year plus relationship. Boning a new girl will get your motivation back up, trust me. (Unless your married, then that sucks.)
 
GreenMachineX

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How much time do you spend watching porn every day?
 

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