AA/12 steps/ steroids and phera plex

hyperkondriac

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I've been involved in a 12 step group for the past 3 years- clean and sober -
I was a cocaine/give me more of whatever junky

After being clean for 3 years and working out for 2 years I decided to use steroids. Started a cycle of Test-e 2 days ago - this is my first time to do it and I am wondering if I can keep my sobriety date?
 
panther77

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i don't see why not man, steroids don't do anything to affect who you are and in no way shape or form create anything that I would consider not "sober"
 

hyperkondriac

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Awesome man - That's what I needed to hear!
 

SWOLL

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only thing id worry about is if you had those addiction, you most likely have an addictive personality... believe me steroids give great results, and test e, youll love but just as long as you know too take long breaks in between cycles and dont abuse them etc you should be fine..enjoy your cycle and let us know how it goes! good to hear youve been clean for 2 years, definitely making the right choices
 

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hey man i'm in NA< i was a heroin addict. i just celebrated 6months clean today. i have a couple of cycles under my belt. i also wondered the same thing about my clean date. i would say talk to your sponsor, however i don't see it as a mind-altering substance so i don't see a problem. be careful after you get that feeling of being "on" and see the gains is does get addicting. for me jsut going to the gym has become an addiction in itself. let me know what you find out cuz im too scared to ask my fellowship. you know how peolpe are they frown on taking antidepressants and ****. good luck and just monitor your behaviors.
 

KeithO31

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It's really good that you are sharing this with others. Keep up your recovery and sobriety and keep it first. It's hard for us in recovery to do anything in moderation-somethings more than others. I too am in recovery and went through the same feelings and experience. I have 21 years clean time (by the Grace of God). I began using compounds/AAS 8 mos. ago and feel no need to change my sobriety date. However, I have to closely monitor my cycles and use of AAS and emotions as it realtes to my recovery. Just continue to share with others (your sponsor) people in recovery/program. Also I am a newbie to AAS and this board and website is just awesome-it has been so helpful to me in learning about all this. There are a lot of knowledgeable people and support here. Just keep on sharing and growing. One day at a time. I am also a Certified Addictions Professional (C.A.P.) in the state of Florida.
 
Spooly

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Sorry to say but your back at day one of sobriety bro thats how it goes theres no loop holes and addict is always an addict sorry to be a dck. its like going to an aa meeting an doing only coke and saying i have this much days sober of alchohol. but if your sponser says its ok then i guess its ok but try bring it up at a meeting then see what goes. gateway bro get used to needles u be bound to wanna bang some coke good luck
 
Kristofer68SS

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Sorry to say but your back at day one of sobriety bro thats how it goes theres no loop holes and addict is always an addict sorry to be a dck. its like going to an aa meeting an doing only coke and saying i have this much days sober of alchohol. but if your sponser says its ok then i guess its ok but try bring it up at a meeting then see what goes. gateway bro get used to needles u be bound to wanna bang some coke good luck
Thats a negative.

Heroin, cocaine, crack, etc does not equate Test E. Doing a cycle of steroids is not a relapse.

Please refrain from typing comments on sobriety until you have actually involved your brain.

To Hyperkrondriac- Congrats on 3 years clean and sober. I was a speed junkie and alcoholic. I have Over 10 years clean and sober.

The keys to my sobriety have been:

Faith
Prayer
Meetings
Knowing triggers and how to react to them
Sponsor

Stop HALT-
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

3 years is a good amount of time clean. Stay the course and keep doing what your doing.
 

ianm4208

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Hahahaha This is gunna be to fun.

Steriods of any type do not effect my sobriety or yours, IMO. Feel free to talk to your sponsor and close friends about it, but when I take a PH(No AAS for me, yet) the mental obsession, the spiritual malady, or the physical craving do NOT return. However, you are being dishonest by some means. Whether your breaking the law, lying about it to whomever, ect. You will have to live with the fact that your not giving your best to the program. I am in contact with God and I am extremely active in sponsoring and service work, so I will let my dishonesty slide. I will not however, claim to be practicing these principles in all of my affairs. I enjoy steriods, but I will guarantee you that they will not cause the damage in my life that drugs and alcohol did.

SWOLL- We have alcoholism, which is a spiritual sickness. My only concern is that he is in contact with God. IDC what personality you have, personalities don't destroy lives.

Beaver- Once again, the only concern should be that we are in contact with God. Isnt that the point of the 12 steps in the first place? BTW its our fellowship, not yours.

Keith031- One Day at a Time? Where the fuk does it say that in the Big Book?

Spooly- First of all, you're so wrong. These do not equate. And once again, if he is is contact with God, there shall be no such worry of wanting to bang coke. And finally,...
The meeting place is no such place to talk about this problem! Were there to talk about God, the BB, and the steps. Were there to help the newcomer, not talk about your BS problems.

Kristofer68SS- Haha thanx for the help on Spolly. But... Triggers and HALT? Dont give me that treatment center bullsh@t. READ THE BOOK! It says work the steps and help the newcomer. Thats how Bill got sober, thats how I am sober, and the other million in the fellowship. I got high on a full stomach, at perfect peace and ease, with all my friends, and on a full night of rest. So what? Its about God, not my feelings or my appetite.

Its about the steps we take, not the meetings we make.
Overall, I am morally making a mistake by taking steriods, but I am NOT contemplating my sobriety.

If I failed to offend anybody, I apoligize. Haha, that was fun!
But for the Grace of God!
 
Kristofer68SS

Kristofer68SS

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Hahahaha This is gunna be to fun.

Steriods of any type do not effect my sobriety or yours, IMO. Feel free to talk to your sponsor and close friends about it, but when I take a PH(No AAS for me, yet) the mental obsession, the spiritual malady, or the physical craving do NOT return. However, you are being dishonest by some means. Whether your breaking the law, lying about it to whomever, ect. You will have to live with the fact that your not giving your best to the program. I am in contact with God and I am extremely active in sponsoring and service work, so I will let my dishonesty slide. I will not however, claim to be practicing these principles in all of my affairs. I enjoy steriods, but I will guarantee you that they will not cause the damage in my life that drugs and alcohol did.

SWOLL- We have alcoholism, which is a spiritual sickness. My only concern is that he is in contact with God. IDC what personality you have, personalities don't destroy lives.

Beaver- Once again, the only concern should be that we are in contact with God. Isnt that the point of the 12 steps in the first place? BTW its our fellowship, not yours.

Keith031- One Day at a Time? Where the fuk does it say that in the Big Book?

Spooly- First of all, you're so wrong. These do not equate. And once again, if he is is contact with God, there shall be no such worry of wanting to bang coke. And finally,...
The meeting place is no such place to talk about this problem! Were there to talk about God, the BB, and the steps. Were there to help the newcomer, not talk about your BS problems.

Kristofer68SS- Haha thanx for the help on Spolly. But... Triggers and HALT? Dont give me that treatment center bullsh@t. READ THE BOOK! It says work the steps and help the newcomer. Thats how Bill got sober, thats how I am sober, and the other million in the fellowship. I got high on a full stomach, at perfect peace and ease, with all my friends, and on a full night of rest. So what? Its about God, not my feelings or my appetite.

Its about the steps we take, not the meetings we make.
Overall, I am morally making a mistake by taking steriods, but I am NOT contemplating my sobriety.

If I failed to offend anybody, I apoligize. Haha, that was fun!
But for the Grace of God!
Great points.

No need to belittle my advice though.

You dont know me or my program. Those were just simple tidbits of advice that worked for me and many others. 10+ years later and Im still clean. Sober?, well i can always work on that.

I have more temptations then the average joe, I assure you.

Faith, baby. Faith and prayer does more than the big book will ever do.
 

ianm4208

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My intention was not to belittle you, but i am very passionate about this deal. My one wish is that every noewcomer that comes into aa gets to be sober and happy. I feel its comments like that, that take away from the need of God and His power.
Your right, I dont know you or you program, but I do know THE program and what it outlines for us in the book.
Remember, some of our literature reminds us not to fall into the misconception that we are terminally unique.
It is all about faith, but remember, faith without works is dead.
 
Kristofer68SS

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My intention was not to belittle you, but i am very passionate about this deal. My one wish is that every noewcomer that comes into aa gets to be sober and happy. I feel its comments like that, that take away from the need of God and His power.
Your right, I dont know you or you program, but I do know THE program and what it outlines for us in the book.
Remember, some of our literature reminds us not to fall into the misconception that we are terminally unique.
It is all about faith, but remember, faith without works is dead.
I come from a long line of followers brah. 3rd generation to be exact.

I know "how it works". I have been closely associated with the 12 step program since I was 10 years old. Nearly 30 years.

Without step two, you have nothing.

End of story.

Do as you wish with the book and the meetings. I did it and didnt remain sober for very long.

It wasnt until I REALLY completed step 2 that I had success.

Faith and Prayer is the sole reason for my success in any length of sobriety.
 

ianm4208

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Your right about God being the answer... dont know what else your getting at.
If you are sober and happy, I am happy for you. I am also happy that AA was there for the both of us to find God.
 
Lacradocious

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Kristofer68SS- Haha thanx for the help on Spolly. But... Triggers and HALT? Dont give me that treatment center bullsh@t. READ THE BOOK! It says work the steps and help the newcomer. Thats how Bill got sober, thats how I am sober, and the other million in the fellowship. I got high on a full stomach, at perfect peace and ease, with all my friends, and on a full night of rest. So what? Its about God, not my feelings or my appetite.

I disagree with this statement about HALT. Addiction isn't the same for everyone because the emotional well being of a person has a lot to do with it. For many people, HALT helps to break the cycle of depression that plagues many people struggling with addiction. Many people don't get high just for the sake of being high.
 

ianm4208

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Your right, addiction isnt the same for everybody. There are three types. Moderate, hard, and the real deal. This thread is for the real deals whom need God to stay sober. Im sry, but for us, the real deals, its not a matter of well being as u speak of, its God, the rest are pety concerns that dont even cross my mind if i feel the power of God in my life. If ur a real addict, that cant quit, even when given sufficient reason, do whatever necessary to stay sober, but past God, u need nothing else. If u can quit on ur on will power, stop comparing urself to real addicts n giving them advice. Were beyond human aid.
 

hyperkondriac

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I have no desire...

I have no desire to take a drink, smoke a joint, pop a painkiller, shoota coke, absolutely nothing.

But my addict head is saying - Man I wonder what it feels like to have that "ON feeling, I can't wait!" I almost feel guilty for letting it consume my thoughts and get me excited - But yeah - Prayer is most definetly the key
 
Spooly

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I have no desire to take a drink, smoke a joint, pop a painkiller, shoota coke, absolutely nothing.

But my addict head is saying - Man I wonder what it feels like to have that "ON feeling, I can't wait!" I almost feel guilty for letting it consume my thoughts and get me excited - But yeah - Prayer is most definetly the key
ok im sorry for bashin u but that ON feeling aint that considered a mind inhibiting substance. i understand u drink a coffee for caffiene take pre-workouts but get a buzz but all that is purchased legall unless u purchasing steroids legally like phs which is a steroid there is a fine line between shoving a needle in your arm. im done but its all good i shouldnt even talk sht good luck bro as long as it keps u motivated and out of trouble there is way worse **** then taking the stuff
 

hyperkondriac

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Thanks brudda - I need all the prayer I can get
 
lennoxchi

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i love it when people debate soberity and addiction.....(sits back, grabs popcorn)
 
Kristofer68SS

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i love it when people debate soberity and addiction.....(sits back, grabs popcorn)

A few members seem to think PH,PS and Steroids have similar addictive properties as hardcore narcotics.

Which they do not. They are apples and oranges.

The matter of legality of either is just politics and bureaucracy involved in our present location.

The number 1 MOST damaging drug to man is still legal. Alcohol. It amazes me how this poison is still legal and other drugs are not. $$$$$ is the reason.

Throw legality out the window.

/Rant
 
lennoxchi

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A few members seem to think PH,PS and Steroids have similar addictive properties as hardcore narcotics.

Which they do not. They are apples and oranges.

The matter of legality of either is just politics and bureaucracy involve in our present location.

The number 1 MOST damaging drug to man is still legal. Alcohol. It amazes me how this poison is still legal and other drugs are not. $$$$$ is the reason.

Throw legality out the window.

/Rant
and tobacco is a very close second. i am a recovered addict/alcoholic, ph/ps/aas not even close to legal or illegal drugs, agreed
 

hyperkondriac

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Yeah - This is good info - Makes me feel better for sure -

I ran into someone from AA at the grocery store this morning and during our conversation she told me that someone asked her if I was taking steroids - I had to lie to her because I don't think that would go over too well in the group - It might not be the best influence on newcomers etc... But if you are new in the program most likely you have other issues besides steroids.
 

ianm4208

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A few members seem to think PH,PS and Steroids have similar addictive properties as hardcore narcotics.

Which they do not. They are apples and oranges.

The matter of legality of either is just politics and bureaucracy involve in our present location.

The number 1 MOST damaging drug to man is still legal. Alcohol. It amazes me how this poison is still legal and other drugs are not. $$$$$ is the reason.

Throw legality out the window.

/Rant
I second that
 

hyperkondriac

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M-lmg and superdrone/phera and Test

I got a shipment of Prohormone supplements in today -

This is what I am going to take - PheraPlex 20mg, SuperDrol 20mg, M-Lmg 30mg - those three PH's for 4 weeks to kickstart the test - Then the last 4 weeks the test will solidify the gains.

I do know that this cycle can be harsh on my liver as phera and SD are both methylated. I understand this, but my last cycle I used both and I seemed to be fine. Also I am taking 1 animal pak a day, and CEL Cycle Support.

Nolva/Clomid for PCT and life is good - Right?
 
Kristofer68SS

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I got a shipment of Prohormone supplements in today -

This is what I am going to take - PheraPlex 20mg, SuperDrol 20mg, M-Lmg 30mg - those three PH's for 4 weeks to kickstart the test - Then the last 4 weeks the test will solidify the gains.

I do know that this cycle can be harsh on my liver as phera and SD are both methylated. I understand this, but my last cycle I used both and I seemed to be fine. Also I am taking 1 animal pak a day, and CEL Cycle Support.

Nolva/Clomid for PCT and life is good - Right?
tristack...ugggh....methylated, double uggh

Sadly, you need more education in the matters of steroids.

Private message me please.
 
ambulldog

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congrats on the 3 years bro. no it doesnt affect your sobriety. but just keep yourself in check. we addicts can addict to anything that is GOOD and ph's, steroids are good
 

ianm4208

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yea, sry but I dont like the idea of this cycle either. I cant post another thread, but type in PheraPLEX Log in the search box, its by a guy called fritzer. Might wanna try this out. IDK bout you, but ive abused my liver enough given my past, its time to be nice to it for a change haha.

Sry, if i broke a rule, just trying to be helpful
 

hyperkondriac

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Thanks for the advice for sure - I was starting to get sides immediately after I started taking the superdrol, so I stopped taking that and the m-lmg - I'm only taking the phera-plex and the test now

I talked with my sponsor today, I wish I could tell him about this.
 

Treasure86

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I have 5 years sober and recently started taking superdrol...the feeling that it gives you is definitely different than any mood-altering drug I have ever taken. As far as what people at meetings say about it...who cares? Bill W himself took acid in the 60's and also messed around with female newcomers. The "gurus" of the meetings may criticize you, but that is just from their own insecurities.
 
farrellzach

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Hyper congrats on the 3 years bro, I'm about two myself. I don't think steroids or PH's on anywhere close to the level that you and so many of us other people are at. Keep doing your thing, and lets here the results!
 

hyperkondriac

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Thanks for the support

Thank yall for the support
 

hyperkondriac

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What's the deal with my emotions? I have been feeling depressed today, and I have not been able to concentrate for crap on anything really. It started after I started taking the test-e. I don't want to quit, is my estrogen levels too high maybe? I took 20mg of Nolvadex a minute ago to try and offset the moodiness feelings - I need to get some Letro I believe.
 
Lacradocious

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What's the deal with my emotions? I have been feeling depressed today, and I have not been able to concentrate for crap on anything really. It started after I started taking the test-e. I don't want to quit, is my estrogen levels too high maybe? I took 20mg of Nolvadex a minute ago to try and offset the moodiness feelings - I need to get some Letro I believe.
If you are having emotional problems, nolvadex might make the roller coaster a lot bumpier for you. I have never run test, but generally speaking, people say you are supposed to feel fantastic on it.
 
Spooly

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What's the deal with my emotions? I have been feeling depressed today, and I have not been able to concentrate for crap on anything really. It started after I started taking the test-e. I don't want to quit, is my estrogen levels too high maybe? I took 20mg of Nolvadex a minute ago to try and offset the moodiness feelings - I need to get some Letro I believe.
probally just test flu like symptoms making u feel a litle sick dont worry bro it goes away. try something with caffiene if blood presure is ok before training it makes u feel alot better not so down. i felt the same way after my first few injects geting better though:439:
 

SeanyK

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nice thread guys... its been a while since i've been on AM due to how busy life has been these days with meetings, work, and school. glad to see you bringing these things up.

as for the feelings you're getting post-inj, i can't say i've ever experienced any of that, although i do remember during my first cycle of injectables, post-inj i tended to get a bit of an off feeling almost like i was about to vomit or something, but only during my first 3 or 4 days. at the time this was just with test-p. went away pretty quickly though

**** whatever any of you naysayers say, you are still sober, and still have 3 years under your belt and on that i commend you. last month i picked up my 90 day chip, and boy has this **** been a wild ride. a horrible 18 month opiate addiction was my reason for getting clean. sure needles are needles, but there is no way you can equate a slin pin in the vein to a 25G in the ass cheek. i'm sorry but the well being experienced on test is in no way shape or form comparable to the rush of an opiate crossing the blood brain barrier or any mind altering compound for that matter. many abuse hormones and dont cycle properly, and it is these people who may want to consider abstaining due to their lack of self control. don't let yourself fall into that category and you will be fine.
-------------------------------------------
i don't want to hijack at all, i just saw this thread and thought it'd be a decent place to ask a question i've been asking myself lately... so after finishing outpatient over 2 months ago i've been in the facility's 'aftercare' program, for free, once a week, and basically allows me to stay in touch with the great 7 or 8 people i was in treatment with. i am given a screen every 2 weeks or so. this is a fairly advanced program based at a well respected hospital in a major city, and assumedly uses GC/MS to identify metabolites in your urine. during my month of outpatient, i was never asked about steroid use in my intake appointment, nor was it something we ever spoke about in my group. i obviously cannot assume anabolics are overlooked in the screens, especially because this is gc/ms testing, but all i am saying is that it was not something of their focus. now... i really would like to get a cycle going sometime soon, but obviously do not want to risk failing any screens. at first i thought maybe test would be sensible but then there's the test:epitest ratio to worry about, and then i was also thinking about just going with a short run of some oral designer stuff... obviously any designers that metabolize into known illegal hormones are out of the question (sd, hd, furaz, prostanz, phera, etc) so can anyone think of any hormones oral or inj for that matter, that wouldn't be commonly screened for??? i feel like i need to contract PA to design me a new clear ha.

it's really f*cking unfortunate that the fields of addictionology and any other for that matter still look at anabolics the same as they do dope... really f*cking unfortunate.

sorry for the long post but i guess its worth it since its been a while since my last. any input is appreciated, and to the rest of you on this board who are in recovery and in either fellowship na or aa, you're all amazing people and without you i never would have made it this far. thanks
 

ianm4208

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Wow, its sad that I didnt think of this earlier, but tradition 10 says, "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." Steroids is a prime example of what an outside issue would be. This is further proof that your not breaking any rules of such. So in other words, us yah sayers are neither right or wrong, we just have our own opinions. People, including your sponsor, can say whatever they want, but never let them make you feel guilty for your own personal life choices. It is not theirs to say. In conclusion, personalities may vary, but principles say to do as you please in this aspect.
 

hyperkondriac

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I believe I am mostly over the guilt feeling - God always answers prayer in some form or fashion
 
1976pianoman

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Small world! So I just had this huge spiritual experience being a recovering addict active in AA but also starting to take part in steroids. I came to my own conclusions about it and have resolved the matter but just out of curiosity I felt I would do a google search "AA and Steroids" and this thread came up on this site, the same site I consider to be my steroid "homegroup". I never thought you guys would be talking about this here. I'm impressed. Cool indeed. Here's what I realized in week 4 of my 6 week epi cycle (my first cycle). "WTF am I doing? What kind of message am I giving myself and giving to God that I need this kind of shortcut?" My primary motivation is to look incredible. Why? Well, if I'm being rigorously honest with myself, it's 100% all about the approval of others - girls primarily. If I was the only person on the planet in existence, would I be doing this? No. I've discovered in AA that the root of all my troubles is self-centered fear. If I trace my motivation to use steroids down to the subconscious level, sure enough, it's roots happen to be subconscious fear. So while doing a cycle absolutely does not mean I need a new sobriety birthday cause this stuff does not effect us from the neck up, it does f**k with my program and my relationship with God. I was deeply troubled by this. I felt like God was testing me. If I'm really going to do AA the way I need to do it, ALL of me has to go. Even the part that takes gear. I can't just have a selective surrender, looking at my previous drug and alcohol use as the problem. The drugs and booze were symptoms of the underlaying problem. And that underlaying problem that drove me to drugs and alcohol is the same exact part of me that has me using gear. I have a warped, self-centered, negative-self-talking mind that is rooted in fear. I am dependent upon the approval of others. I care more about appearance than substance. This is why I drank and used. It gave me relief from all that self-centered sickness inside. So aren't I still appeasing that sick part of myself by doing a cycle? The answer for me is definitely yes. So for now, I've flushed my gear and am doing this naturally. For now, I need God more than I need a beautiful body, and that was the hardest choice I have ever had to make in my life. The only thing that mattered to me over the last 60 days was taking PH and working out. Yes, I went to meetings and was involved with fellowship and doing step work, but honestly the only thing that really was driving me was the obsession to look good. In the spirit of AA, everything I said here is ONLY about me, not about YOU. So don't be offended! This is just my personal experience up until now. Everybody's recovery is unique and different. I could very well change my mind and decide to do a cycle again. I am very pleased to know that there are sober guys here doing cycles. I just wanted to share my recent experience. God bless you guys. :)
 
Killler

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i don't see why not man, steroids don't do anything to affect who you are
I`ve heard different opinions and accounts about that.

I too think that generally they don`t so much,but lot of people would disagree.
 
jerrysiii

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Didn't read the entire thread, but congrats bro! Just be careful. We can debate if steroids are addicting, but who has ever done just one cycle? Furthermore, there is a definite tendency for each successive cycle to be stronger. GL.
 

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Steroids are certainly addictive, but they aren't really a mood altering substance so technically they wouldn't be a "relapse". That being said, I wouldn't go around telling people at meetings that you use gear!
 
1976pianoman

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That being said, I wouldn't go around telling people at meetings that you use gear!
LOL. That's for sure! That would be a really ill-advised thing to share with anyone other than a sponsor. People in AA can get pretty ugly with their opinions and their AA dogma. :)
 
Cooky32

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The biggest thing is to stay clean, serve God, train hard, eat healthy, supplement well and fill in the rest with gear. However know that gear cannot be used constantly, and you can look good naturally bro. Just work it out. The right answer will come.
 
1976pianoman

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The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety

This is the substance of a revealing letter which Bill Wilson wrote several years ago to a close friend who also had troubles with depression. The letter appeared in the "Grapevine" January, 1953."I think that many oldsters who have put our AA "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA, the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God. Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance, urges quite appropriate to age seventeen, prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven and fifty-seven. Since AA began, I've taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover, finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse. Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round. How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy and good living. Well, that's not only the neurotic's problem, it's the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all of our affairs. Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That's the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it's a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious, from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream, be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden ‘Mr. Hyde' becomes our main task. I've recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see many benighted ones, folks like you and me, commencing to get results. Last autumn, depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I've had with depressions, it wasn't a bright prospect. I kept asking myself "Why can't the twelve steps work to release depression?" By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer ... "it's better to comfort than to be comforted." Here was the formula, all right, but why didn´t it work? Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence, on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away. Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed upon any act of circumstance whatsoever. Then only could I be free to love as Francis did. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing love appropriate to each relation of life. Plainly, I could not avail myself to God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. For my dependence meant demand, a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me. While those words "absolute dependence" may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me. This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God's creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the real current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love: we may then be able to gain emotional sobriety. Of course, I haven't offered you a really new idea --- only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes' at depth. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine." Bill Wilson
 

bossman523

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i am in recovery in NA and am thinking about doing a ph cycle but i am wondering if it's the right thing to do. i plan on starting with something milder if i do end up doing it. i'm also skeptical about telling my sponsor what i'm doing, which i know is not good lol. i haven't even told him that i'm considering it.
 

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