THE TWO TOWERS (condensed) by Molly Winter
Author's note: I LOVED this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on
record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes...


CARADHRAS

GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up
on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed
to be the new black this year...


EMYN MUIL

SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his
arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty,
wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to
angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look
half bad in eyeliner.


RIDDERMARK

EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a
dwarf walk into the Riddermark...
LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a
horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about
this high..?
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.
ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.


FANGORN FOREST

MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.


FANGORN FOREST (next day)

GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!


EDORAS

LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I
can summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your
senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's
Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.


EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP

LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight
at his horseback-riding tricks.
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!


ITHILIEN

SAM: Gollum is such a freak.
FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.
SAM: What? He IS a freak.
FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?
SAM: Why are you picking on me?
FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't
ASK you to come along, you know.
SAM: What the HELL?
FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.
SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn,
laughing, talking, sharing...
FRODO: Oh, spare me.
FRODO stomps off.


RIVENDELL

ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.
ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.
ARWEN: Why do you say that?
ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.
ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.
ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking
my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.


HELM'S DEEP

ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.
LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to
the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?
ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.


RIVENDELL

GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?
ELROND: Yes, speaking.
GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.
ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?
GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to
talk to you about Frodo.
ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.
GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.
ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want
him to marry my daughter...
GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.
ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross.
Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call.
GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?
GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?
ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!
GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.
ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or
something?
GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to
start at Helm's Deep.
GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?
GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.
GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something.
He's expendable.


HELM'S DEEP

LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.
LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.
ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.
(Ten minutes later)
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?


FANGORN FOREST

PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...
MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.


ITHILIEN

SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.
GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!
SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.
GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.
FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest.
SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a
basic bechamel sauce with some dill.
GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier
and more difficult; yes...
FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.
SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the
meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant
chutney...
FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!
GOLLUM: Where?
SAM: Where?
FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's
about to step on us?
FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home.
FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.


HELM'S DEEP

ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They
have bows.
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!


HENNETH ANNUN

FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
SAM: His gardener.
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?
SAM: Exactly.
FRODO: Righ-What??


HELM'S DEEP

ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people...
LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.
ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.
GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?
GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...
GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!


FANGORN FOREST

TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing.
PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!
PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.
MERRY: Am I? Thanks.
TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.
PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.
MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks
at PIPPIN)
PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?
TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.


OSGILIATH

FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building,
and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the
stairs.
FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it-this time I'm cutting your throat.
SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the
Ring to that Nazgul...
FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.
SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.
FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.
FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.
SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting.
And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...


ISENGARD

TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place.
TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!
MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.
PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.
SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day
live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth
but by the content of their character...


HELM'S DEEP

GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe
out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and
THEODEN all cheer.
ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!
GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.
ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.
SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here,
but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather
to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have
thus far so nobly advanced...
FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam...
ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though...
EOWYN: What?
ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running
away.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.


ISENGARD

TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at
once.


OSGILIATH

SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is
fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes
needed efforts to-
FRODO: SAM!!
SAM: What?
FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.
SAM: Oh. Oh, good.


EN ROUTE TO MORDOR

SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.
FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved
my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably
flattered.
SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?
FRODO: Yes?
SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.
FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.
SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?
FRODO: Yeah. You like it?...
GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...de ath to hobbits...(mumble
mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain,
suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble)
...she will destroy hobbitses...
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and
"her"? Who's "SHE"?
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP!