Really, really need some advice...relationship stuff, ugh!

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    Really, really need some advice...relationship stuff, ugh!


    I guess it's a testament to how much I love this forum and how I regard some of you like family, even though we never speak.

    I've been dating a girl for a full month now and we are very serious and discussing a future together. She is everything I have ever wanted and then some, and she says the same about me. In fact I've never met a more incredible person in my life and I am very happy and very much in love with her. I would love to marry this woman and be with her forever, I can honestly say.

    However today a huge wrinkle in the relationship popped up. Going back, I have told her since day 1 that music is my life, I love to play music and listen to it, and in fact I was raised in the music business (please don't ask, because I won't tell). I also told her a few weeks ago that I have been trying to start my dream band for a few years now, but that I have trouble finding other musicians to play with because nobody takes it as seriously as I do.

    A little background...without getting into details...sorry, but I value my anonymity here...I was the founding member of a band that has gone on to become one of the most successful modern-era punk rock bands in existence. I left the band when its success first started to really take off, due to the girl I was dating at the time getting upset about our extensive touring. I have remained friends through the years with most of the guys in the band.

    Well, we recently made a mutual decision to do some reunion shows, release an album full of old material that we never released except for 7"s, and then finally record a new album (with the old lineup) and do a followup tour.

    My current love went ballistic when she heard this. She has spent most of this afternoon crying and screaming at me about how she just wants to get married and have a family and a husband with a stable (aka "normal") job. I have told her over and over that this would only be temporary and that we were indeed very successful with the original lineup, and with the success of the current lineup I would bet that our little reunion would be an absolute runaway success. People love our old material from when I was in the band, there are websites out there saying it is the best the band has ever done, there are people who will not even listen to the new material because they like what we did years ago, so I know in my heart that the reunion will not be a waste of time and will not put me in the poor house. Rather, I am sure it would be a financial success and make my heart warm with a lot of wonderful memories.

    But...she doesn't listen. She absolutely refuses to speak to any of the guys in the current band, which I have invited her to do. I wanted her to speak to them and see how it is not an outrageously crazy idea. At least in my opinion it is not crazy. I want to do this more than anything else I've ever wanted in my life, I miss those days sooooo much, every single day I regret leaving the band, I miss the comaraderie, the traveling, the music, the fans, I loved it all so much. I have to say that leaving the band is the number 1 biggest regret in my entire life. But now I have a woman I love who hates it all and refuses to even attend one single show.

    What should I do? Any ideas? Compromise is not going to happen at this point. Should I throw away a once in a lifetime dream opportunity to do something I love, in return for keeping the love of my life? Should I go forward with it and hope she stands by my side?

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    she's absolutely in the wrong IMHO and will likely react like this to other situations that come up when she doesn't get her way

    i think you should follow your dreams and break up with her
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    I made a similar decision about 10 years ago. It was not easy and I follow my dream to this day, but only in the last year have found a solid relationship.(had some fun while looking) It is the choice between two good things, but I would and have choose the path the let me truly act like myslef. I knew if I stayed with my old girlfriend I would have always wondered what the other path would have brought. I would have known it was not the best choice because ultimately we have to serve ourselves and learn to love ourselves before we can truly love other people. Goodluck and stay strong!!!
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    "She is everything I have ever wanted and then some"
    ,

    If she can't fully support your life's love for music, then she can't be everything you've ever wanted. Relationships are major give and take. She needs to give. Imagine what marrage would be like if she is completely refusing the thing that you love most in your life right now... scary
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    I have had a similar experience meth..I am a lover of music as well and had to make a similar choice. I was in the recording, producing side of things. I didnt spend alot of time on the road but I pretty much lived at the studio. I pretty much decided that I was going to do what I loved and was not going to let anything else get in my way. I did pretty well and went on to open a commercial recording studio in downtown chicago. Maybe we worked together? At any rate she did not understand what or why I did what I did. She had this idea (along with her parents) that the music world was full of drugs, anonymous sex, (insert any other rock cliche here). They did not view at as a real job or a viable source of income. Needless to say I dumped her ass. She is married with two kids with one on the way. She is very happy. I deeply regretted my decision later on. After 8 years in doing music I came to the realization that I hated my job...I hated musicians. I hated going to shows. I still loved music. I just hated all the bs that came with it. I worked all the freakin time or I was getting drunk. All my friends were musicians,engineers, labels, interns etc. Life became quite boring.

    Then my dad started getting very sick and my partners in the studio pretty much couldnt handle the responsibilties of raising a family and running a studio and dumped it in my lap. I decided to close shop and get out of the business.

    Im alot happier nowadays. Im surrounded by family. I have time to persue other things that make me happy like this forum and going to the gym. I guess I grew a little bit older and all the glitter and glamour and attention I got grew a little stale. Now I am worshipped by 3 little nephews who follow me around and think Im the coolest guy in the world.

    Dont get me wrong I still love music and will continue to record. But the next studio I build will be an addition to my house. Music will be about music. Not $$$$ or popularity. I guess what I am saying is that the grass is always greener on the other side but what is really going to make you happy in the long run? You will make the right decision im sure. Its impossible to make the wrong one. Whatever you do you will wonder...what if. I dont have any regrets. It just took me 8 years of making records to figure that out.

    It does bother me however that she is not willing to meet your bandmates and try to figure out what this whole music thing is about. She is afraid of something she doesnt understand. She needs to maybe talk and meet some of the other girlfriends or wives of the band before she passes judgement. If she cant explore this new found opportunity with you and at least meet you halfway then maybe she is not the girl you thought she was. If it were not music it would be probably something else she would jealous or afraid of.

    Im just kind of rambling here. I dont know if this helps at all.
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    You've only been dating this girl a month, you've been playing your music your whole life. You know what life is like with the music, while the girl is still a mystery. It would be easier to comprehend her anger and fear if the time table was flipped, but it's not. The decision is easy, and true love will always understand.
    ~ Nothing can kill the Grimace!!


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    Well this is advice I would almost never give but if you cant come to an agreement well that pretty much leaves everyone at an impass.So if shes not willing to at least let you have a shot at keeping both of your dreams alive then you gotta go with your first love.

    If there is no room for intelegent communication or even an attempt on her part to see if it will work its doomed from the start.Its going to hurt you either way you go but with only 1 month invested and so much insecurity and lack of compromise already well ya just gotta leave go of her.If she really loves you; as in wants you to be happy even if its not what she wants at the time it will come together later.If not it wasnt love;it was just emotion.Good luck and I wish you the best.


    Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths . Proverbs 3:5-6
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    youknow the girl for a mounth only, and she already talking about mariege............ouch
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    I think they were both discussing a "future" together.
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    Also with only knowing each other a month you both havent scratched the surface of the issues you will have to work through to make this a healthy relationship.

    I made the same mistake with my 1st marriage.This is a commitment that is taken far to lightly nowadays.If she cant get past this then what will happen when the part of the vows which states for better or for worse comes up.Oh and at times it will get much worse than this.
    My ex jumped ship and gave up on our marriage and if I were more mature back then I would have known that she was a quiter(she had a LONG history of giving up in hard situations)
    Whats her past like? Its a pretty good indication of how your future will be like as it seems she has no desire to change at this point in her life.Once again good luck.


    Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths . Proverbs 3:5-6
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    Methusaleh - are you David Lee Roth???? Have you been talking with Eddie???

    Anyway - I'm with Glen. I'd let her go. If she's this demanding - I can only imagine the other things she'll demand and be unreasonable with.



    BTW - this isn't "the" blonde, is it?
    (And where are my pics of her???? I think you owe me a few... )
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    I agree with the vote to let her go, sounds like a spoiled ass to me, someone better who wont act like a 2 yr old(screaming and crying all afternoon)..will come along.....

    Good luck and have fun!!!
    RIP Ryan, :(
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    If she loved you for you then shed love music because that is you. You have only been together for 1 month and sadly that is the time frame most people need before there true colours show. If you farted on the fisrt date shed frown, first year no big deal. Truly get to know her before you put your life on the shelf. She is insecure, and there is no "normal" job, you know how you felt last time now dont be so stupid to make the same mistake again. If you compromise for her all youll be able to do is to resent her for having given up so much and you may be setting yourself up for failure. Im surprized she is behaving this way already and its a sign of things to come.
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    OK...after hours of debate, we reached a compromise. She will be meeting the band when we have our 1st "reunion" rehearsal this weekend, then she is open to dealing with me doing one more record and tour and milking it for all it's worth. And with my current career situation, buying a new home for the 1st time, etc. all coming together at once, I do need to stay around home more often anyhow.

    jmh-- No, not her, she's just a slore I know!! PM me if I didn't tell you where to see her already.

    The new GF is hotter than the blonde we are talking about and actually might be doing some modeling for one of the sponsors of this site, stay tuned for that, we are just waiting on a couple details...

    EDIT:

    For the record, I am a mature adult who has been in love before. And I really, honestly know I love this woman. This is not puppy love, I am not looking for that anymore, she's not just a lay or a temporary arm trophy, I feel that this girl is "the one" no matter what her shortcomings. She is literally everything I have wanted in a woman, and we are both learning a lot from each other...
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    Good luck with everything.
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    youve been dating her for a month! nothing in concrete and if she wont support you in this then she is not the one!
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    Minor Threat is getting back together, Brilliant. As an old punk rocker myself mate, follow your dream she will follow it as well if you are the one true one for her. I think that most birds fear the comitment issues that you might face on the touring circuit. Perhaps bring her along for the journey and she might see it from your eyes.
    Either way, best of luck, glad to know Punk it still alive and doing well.
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    Minor Threat is doing a reunion?!??! I'd be surprised that Ian would work in the same room as a hippocrite like Lyle Preslar...though MT was one of the #1 musical influences on my playing, along with other Dischord band Government Issue, the classic Black Flag, the Misfits, DKs, and a zillion others...old LA and SF punk bands like The Dils, Nuns, Crime, etc....
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    Quote Originally Posted by methusaleh
    Minor Threat is doing a reunion?!??! I'd be surprised that Ian would work in the same room as a hippocrite like Lyle Preslar...though MT was one of the #1 musical influences on my playing, along with other Dischord band Government Issue, the classic Black Flag, the Misfits, DKs, and a zillion others...old LA and SF punk bands like The Dils, Nuns, Crime, etc....
    I agree with all of the above as great bands. I grew up in Ireland in the 70's and 80's, what a brilliant angry music scene it was. Best of luck with your music mate.
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    ok.... so call me the materilistic, spoiled, pessimistic girl... i'd like to say that im PRACTICAL, a REALIST.

    #1
    its been a MONTH. i honestly believe that most true, lasting love takes time.... a month.... alot of people i know that said they loved "who ever" within a month were the type of people who fell in love with every person they met and had many relationships.

    #2
    Musicians, Bands......quite frankly it is usually not a stable career. its like being a model, becoming an artist (my love in life). me and many other women view them as careers that should be more a "hobby" than a career. If were single i would be looking for #1 guy who is financially secure. i would never ever be with a nice great guy who was a loser in life. how much fun would i love my life knowing that i also married a collection agency....

    personally, i maybe young, but i have and am working my butt off and will be a financially successful within 1.5 years. sorry but i would not be willing to come home from my job, and see that my hubby has been painting all day and living off me and at the same time be happy with him.... i worked my butt for what seems like forever just to have someone take it easy in life... i dont think so.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. Gimpy!
    . sorry but i would not be willing to come home from my job, and see that my hubby has been painting all day and living off me and at the same time be happy with him.... i worked my butt for what seems like forever just to have someone take it easy in life... i dont think so.
    Why not men have been doing it for eons /equal rights correct?Or maybe not so equal.


    Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths . Proverbs 3:5-6
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    Quote Originally Posted by mmowry
    Why not men have been doing it for eons /equal rights correct?Or maybe not so equal.

    haha.... i dont really like the whole fem fem movement. I like the whole treat women the traditional way thing (guys that open doors, women get to stay home, etc...). i dont want to be the the breadwinner in a relationship. I really do for the most part, like being treated like a woman.

    i would like to say that im a realistic traditional woman. I would love to sit back in life and just live off my husband but at the same time im not willing to base my life's outcome on someone else's success. Im not going to depend on someone else's success in life to live, i will create my own success. who wants to be a divorced woman with 5 kids who has to work at mc donalds simply because i only got a high school diploma because i expected my husband to take care of me forever..... stupid women.....
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    Damn Gimpy where have you and your sig. other been?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jayhawkk
    Damn Gimpy where have you and your sig. other been?

    Dying, dying like I have never died before. I had the worst week of my life, NINE finals, each with 250 pgs per subject, two subjects a day for 5 days (well, one of the days i only had 1). I pulled two all nighters...... but all is done, i passed! I get out of college in 1.5 Years!!!! sooooo excited!!!


    kwych has been very busy with his crazy chem and bio classes, just finished his finals. he's teaching himself spanish right now so he can simply test out of it, um, preparing for mcats. you know, all the fun stuff. me and him have no lives really you can tell when life gets alittle easirer....we are online alot more.

    Im not looking forward to winter intersession..... I get to do and RECIEVE 7 shots in the mouth a day...... fun times. i hope none of my class mates gives me temp. facial paralysis....haha
  

  
 

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