For you guys who have had enough!
- 04-09-2006, 01:22 PM
For you guys who have had enough!
From a guys point of view......I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you....she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.
- 04-09-2006, 01:31 PM
Originally Posted by 4thHorseman
- 04-09-2006, 01:32 PM
04-09-2006, 01:44 PM
04-09-2006, 01:49 PM
04-09-2006, 01:58 PM
Here's a good one........
TWO MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting on your as* and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the Turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull sh1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The
dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and
soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
(1) Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh1t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute management course
04-09-2006, 03:31 PM
04-09-2006, 05:14 PM
Is there anything left that hasn't been posted a million times yet? :P
04-09-2006, 06:32 PM
As we age, our priorities change...Originally Posted by Jayhawkk
The other day I came home and was greeted by my beautiful wife, who was dressed only in very sexy underwear and see-through negligee and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and then you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went for a ride on the Harley..
04-09-2006, 06:33 PM
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 - 15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...
04-09-2006, 08:26 PM
I really like this. I'ma put it in my signature.Originally Posted by delta314
04-09-2006, 09:20 PM
I think this was posted before, by Beelzebub if I'm not mistaken. Or someone like him who posts jokes like these.
Still, its a good'n.
04-09-2006, 09:28 PM
Sorry for reposting, hard to tell everything that has been posted in the past as this board is massive and has been posted to for years. But anyway it seems some of you have not seen it and enjoyed it all the same.
04-09-2006, 10:47 PM
Just for good measure I'll throw a wisdom joke, I believe I heard it in the gang movie "colors"
A young and virile bull is hanging out with an older bull at the top of a hill. The youn bull sees a herd of cows at the bottom of the hill and says to the older bull "Hey, let's run down there and **** one of those cows" The older bull says "Son, how about we walk down and **** them all"
BTW, very good post Mach
04-10-2006, 06:57 AM
Thanks, I got it as an email. I can't be responsible for such genius work. Good stuff though.BTW, very good post Mach
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