The Self-Image / Body Dysmorphia Thread

[MidwestBeast]

I did a quick search (I'm on mobile), but didn't see anything in that check that led me to believe a (current, at least) thread like this exists. The USP Labs "Why do you lift?" thread inspired me. There are tons of great stories in there and I want to see more of them.

But in addition to all of that, I know we all have quirks, issues, complexes, and other things we deal with. Some are temporary; some are forever. Some are minor; some are deep-rooted.

As I'm on mobile and just about to head to bed, I won't share my full story right now (I want to type it from an actual keyboard). But I can tell you I've had body image issues since at least age 12 that I can very actively pinpoint (it likely goes back further). There have obviously been a lot of ups and downs, but lately, I've felt really good. I've been in a good place of staying dedicated in both my training and nutrition and seemingly finding a balance I've struggled to really ever find before.

Binge eating has been a big problem of mine. But I can proudly say I bought 3 big bags of Halloween candy on Nov 1st when they got clearanced down to dirt cheap (the good stuff, too; none of the garbage penny candies -- I'm talking brand name chocolates lol). I have eaten a few pieces from them on only 2 occasions thus far.

I got home from class tonight and in the past, this has been a time when I would just gorge. But I didn't. I was able to look right at it and pass. Because I already hit my macros for the day and I didn't get to train, so my cals need to be low. Typing this made me a bit hungry lol, but I'm making progress. Seeing the changes daily in the mirror at this point also helps me stick to that.

So feel free to share your stories. Talk about what's shaped you; your struggles; your victories. I've found this community to be incredible and I look forward to bonding more with each of you and also finding motivation in your victories.

 

[AnimalPump]

Hi ! I figured I might share my story too. I started lifting 2 and a half years ago at 121 pounds...I was always a wimpy kid and that was good enough of motivation for me to start, I also didn`t eat enough, ate only crap and felt crappy altogether throughout the day. Also, i got sick real easy so I knew I needed a change. People started noticing me more and that really improved my confidence, so much that i would not stop bulking, I wanted to get bigger and bigger. I felt a little better every day. Unfortunately, my diet has never been in check when it comes to healthy meals, I always used the fact that I am a college student as an excuse.As you can expect, after nearly 2 and a half years of bulking, and not on the good meals, i got FAT ! Yes, I had a pretty nasty belly...I was afraid to cut because I would lose my size and confidence, but one day looking in the mirror I decided I must change. I was at 185 pounds when I started cutting. My family helped me with meal prepping for the day in order to eat ONLY home-cooked healthy foods, and it worked !! Now I am at 163 pounds, kept most of my muscle mass, and I am on my way to a six-pack !
I am really happy that I have started cutting, because apparently being bullied when I was so skinny left some scars. Now I got a beautiful girlfriend, a happy family, and very good friends that have shown me that confidence made me a better person.
Now I am thinking about logging the EvoMuse Supernova that I got today to share with the community.
Thanks for reading guys, you have helped a lot during this journey !!

 

[justhere4comm]

In!

 

[SFreed]

In to see how much alike we all actually are. And I'll submit mine later, when I have a little more time.

 

[booneman77]

My biggest issue has always been the "short-fat" complex... My closest friends growing up were all tall and skinny so I took a lot of crap from them... definitely created the personality I have today as well as some issues/habits (good and bad).

I have literally unlimited willpower (good). I can go zero carb, zero stims, whatever. Just flip the switch and I'm 100% dedicated. The issue, is that I ahve more of a switch than a scale... Its all or nothing for me and this has molded much of my eating and training habits.

I have a bottomless pit of a stomach so in order to be able to eat until I'm full enough to be satisfied (aka borderline painfully full ha), I've adopted IF. I eat basically all of my ridic low cals (maintaining at onl 1725 right now ) in pretty much 1 giant meal that I eat over the course of 2hrs or so every evening.

I also enjoy eating ALL the junk foods at once vs just having a small bit now and again. Having 1pc of candy or a couple chips just frustrates me so I eat clean 6 days a week and on saturday's I ahve a full cheat day... This day is reasonably controlled as I still imit the eating window (which happens naturally anyways due to having errands and stuff to do on the weekends) but you can see the pattern.

Im the same way with my training and always struggle with the "more is better" mentality. deload weeks are a mental struggle for me and weeks off due to vacations and such are just about unbearable.

Im terrified of getting fat and literally center a large protion of my time and thoughts around concocting ways to avoid being unfit. The major issue is no longer that Im actually even close to being fat, but now that I've seen what my body and mind are capable of, my frame of reference has changed and my "ideal" of what is attainable for me has become increasingly more difficult.

 

[angcd3]

Thanks for starting this one for once that one is finished over there. I can totally relate, I have and still have body issue images from years of being over weight as an adult and chubby and picked on as a kid. It really stays with you and people look at you and think you are crazy or just this or that your just making it all up. But you really have no idea unless you have lived through it. It's a daily internal battle,what I still see in the mirror and most of the time feel like is that 320lb guy or insecure chubby kid. It's what drives me but it also causes some days of just feeling totally depressed. It has honestly gotten worse lately so I came to this site for some motivation, and found a lot of people with their own inspirational stories, that have given me great motivation. Ill include my story here as well.. In hopes that it might do the same for someone else.

I was always the chubby athletic kid got picked on because I was but always acted like it didn't bother me, but it did. Played soccer, tennis, basketball and was good at them all even though I looked like I didn't have any business playing them. Blew my knee out playing soccer in 12th grade and that pretty much ended my athletic career. So when a chubby Italian kid stops pretty much doing any type of activity you can guess what happens. I gained a decent amount of weight all throughout college, never actually stepped on a scale so not sure how much. But found power lifting as a junior in college and was able to add some muscle and was just a the “big” guy who was the bouncer at party’s carried the kegs… you know the drill. Needed something moved they called me….
A few years after college I got married was around 260 at this time still power lifting up until I got married. Then it all stopped, I stopped going to the gym had a real job and just got comfortable in my life and just pretty much sat home and ate. After about 2 years I had ballooned up to 320 had no muscle tone at all and I honestly wasn't going to stop. It was changing everything, who I was as a person..my blood pressure was sky high so I was pretty much slowly killing myself… and my marriage wasn’t the same. I never wanted to go out do anything at all I was embarrassed of what I had become so I just stayed home and ate I wasn’t happy and I could tell it was very hard on her too. And I remember this day like it was yesterday My wife had a holiday party to go I really didn’t want to go but I was going to for her… but I didn’t have a suit. So we headed out the store Men’s Warehouse to be exact, and proceeded to try and find something to fit me. The salesmen must have brought me who knows how many pairs of pants to try and suit jackets, the amount of alterations they had to do to make it fit( which I use loosely) was ridiculous. I remember sitting in the dressing room sweating, pretty much in tears realizing what I had become, I can look back and laugh about it now, especially the size of that damn zipper on those pants was ridiculous!! But from that night forward I said never again, I'm going to change I’m not going to be an embarrassment to myself or most importantly to my wife. Fast forward to today I am 215lbs I have two wonderful kids, and my beautiful wife.. and I don’t know what I would do without them. But who knows what would have happened if I didn’t get off my ass and back in the gym it not only changed my life but quite honestly saved it.

 

[FireTitan]

This rocks MidwestBeast! So I guess my story is a little different. I was lean, and had a bit of muscle when I was a kid. Lightning fast and very athletic. Joined the Military and nothing changed. Ran around whoring myself so I had to have "that" look. Got married at 21....BOOM. It started to fall apart. Just kept getting bigger and softer. Really didnt know I was either, I was blond about it and my wife loves me regardless so she didnt say anything. Went to Iraq as a civilian fireman for 2 year and came back jacked!! Went to an Airport fore department when I got home and let loose. My " ill take a break for a couple weeks" turned into 6 years. Pitiful. Fast forward. Last year I decided I was rotting and decided to put an application into a city fire department before I was to old. I got the job. STOKED!! But climbing stairs with 65lbs of gear on and another 25-50 in my hands I realized I was bad off. Long story a bit shorter, I had to make changes. In this year Ive dropped 40lbs, built a good amount of muscle and started getting into shape bringing my shift guys along with me. Ive got them lifting and running. Then the best thing that could have happened, happened. I found this forum and its been a Godsend. Nothing but goodtimes and knowledge to be shared and its brought me along faster than ever. Ive posted these on another thread, so I hope you dont mind a couple pictures, but the first picture is of me around 24

This picture was last week, at 39 years old

 

[SFreed]

This rocks MidwestBeast! So I guess my story is a little different. I was lean, and had a bit of muscle when I was a kid. Lightning fast and very athletic. Joined the Military and nothing changed. Ran around whoring myself so I had to have "that" look. Got married at 21....BOOM. It started to fall apart. Just kept getting bigger and softer. Really didnt know I was either, I was blond about it and my wife loves me regardless so she didnt say anything. Went to Iraq as a civilian fireman for 2 year and came back jacked!! Went to an Airport fore department when I got home and let loose. My " ill take a break for a couple weeks" turned into 6 years. Pitiful. Fast forward. Last year I decided I was rotting and decided to put an application into a city fire department before I was to old. I got the job. STOKED!! But climbing stairs with 65lbs of gear on and another 25-50 in my hands I realized I was bad off. Long story a bit shorter, I had to make changes. In this year Ive dropped 40lbs, built a good amount of muscle and started getting into shape bringing my shift guys along with me. Ive got them lifting and running. Then the best thing that could have happened, happened. I found this forum and its been a Godsend. Nothing but goodtimes and knowledge to be shared and its brought me along faster than ever. Ive posted these on another thread, so I hope you dont mind a couple pictures, but the first picture is of me around 24

This picture was last week, at 39 years old

Yummy

(To everyone new, this is my job)

 

[FireTitan]

Yummy

(To everyone new, this is my job)

Hahaha!! And youre so good at it.

 

[Misfit28]

In as well. I'll try to share my story in here after a while. I'm slammed at work today, but just wanted to give kudos to MidwestBeast for starting this thread!!!

 

[The Solution]

130 Pounds and Anorexic: (parents almost threw me out of college to get my health in check..Bloodwork came back awful)



Over 200+





Now to today ~ 156-158








Just remember.... Don't compare yourself to others. Control YOU. We all go through roller coasters, and many of us come from overweight backgrounds. Some of us hold fat in area's we don't want to. we can't control that. Just focus on you, Find a good relationship with food, the gym, your friends, family and social life and be successful.

Counting Macros does not get any of us anywhere. None of us collect paychecks off of it. looking the mirror and putting ourselves down will just make things worse. There are so many others out there who cannot lift weights, cant bench press, cant squat. We are lucky we can do a hobby we enjoy. Focus on you, Focus on what you want to do to improve and be healthy, and most of all remember that we are only improving our bodies everyday we workout and eat smart.

There is always room for missed meals, cheat meals, missed workouts, family vacations, missed cardio sessions etc.. Remmeber we are not 2 weeks out from a show 99% of the year, nor is this something we depend our lives on. Just have fun, enjoy the ride, and most of all listen to your body in the process.

 

[Jebrook]

Nice thread! In for more inspirational stories...and before/after noods.

 

[justhere4comm]

Ok, here it goes.

When I was very young (Pre-High School Age) my family life was less than stellar. I was incredibly introverted, and with good reason. My sister was abusive to the point where I probably should have received therapy. I had multiple issues dealing with the stress, and nobody would believe me about her behavior.

She had me traumatized so much, at night I would sneak out of my bedroom, and fall asleep by the doorway of the bathroom down the hallway form my parents room because the light would shine from the night light in that room across the hall. You, see, she had me terrified that vampires would find me. They could hear my heart beating; smell me; and hear my breath. Other times, I would wedge myself between the dresser and the wall crumpled into a ball so tight I woke up drenched with sweat, when I did fall asleep.

I couldn't eat when she was at the table because she ate with her mouth open, whereas I soon developed an eating disorder. I would pick at my food or eat very small portions, just so I could say, "finished" and run off to submerse myself in my art, or workout. Eventually my parents caught her at her bullsh1t, and from then on, it really didn't get better, she was just punished.

I remember the day I asked for weights, and my parents lit up because I actually asked for something. They could not have supported me more. That is when I found out for myself, by exerting great energy, and getting stronger, I gradually overcame my fear of the dark, and vampires. I tested myself continuously. I asked my parents if I could move into he basement (Just for that reason) but I never told them. The basement could get pitch black, and it wasn't long before I actually enjoyed the dark. It was cool, and relaxing.

I started an interest in supplements, and began to scan magazines and read articles about physiology, exercise, anatomy, and how the metabolic system worked. I wanted to make myself invincible, or as close to it as possible. I bought a book about Bruce Lee, and devoured it's contents. He became my new hero. The philosophy of the east was enticing and offered me solstice from the harshness I found in others my own age, and my older sister. It was a directly opposing point of view. I recall vividly.

"I am like water, when you place me in a tea cup, I become the cup,
and when you place me in a tea pot, I become the tea pot."

- Bruce Lee (Paraphrased)​

It wasn't long before I actually began showing an incredible muscle structure, and had an amazing body that permitted me to be active. Just being active and doing things I could never have previously imagined. Jumping and diving onto my hands and sticking a handstand was fun. Dancing, and lifting were new passions. I even began to pay more attention to my diet. I was only 15 and making my own yogurt.

I challenged myself at every opportunity. When it snowed, I was out first with the shovel to see how fast I could finish the driveway before my dad even made it outside to check. I would run in place at night, or go out and ride my bike around the neighborhood at all hours of the night. Anything to be active and push myself. Pushups until I collapsed. I remember asking for a Tens System I saw in a magazine, (LOL) because I thought it would help me 'build my muscles' even at rest. This obsession was the distraction I needed to separate myself from my sister. It calmed me, enabled me to be more relaxed and cope.

I would have otherwise ended my own life​

I think weightlifting and an avid interest in fitness has saved my life. I honestly think I would have killed myself, but instead, I tried to kill myself a healthy way, by pushing and pulling and punching and kicking, and lifting. Ever since, I have considered the gym, my place of peace. It's a sanctuary.

In the past 7 years, I have taken care of my parents whom died of cancer; lost everything; almost died; regained my job; worked hard; lost my best friend; rediscovered my art; and only recently have made a life commitment to become the best I can be, for myself, and my wife. I do not see a future without a life fitness plan.

I owe a debt to myself which I wake up and pay back daily in the gym, and when I prepare myself. ​

Today, my sister is homeless, and after years of dealing with her, it is my thought she suffers from borderline personality disorder; schizophrenia; or any number of mental ailments that have gone undiagnosed. I have only recently been strong enough to tell her, I cannot have anything to do with her, I will no longer support her in any way until she seeks the care she needs.

 

[JDybya]

Heavy sh!t. Thank you all for sharing. Really provokes some serious introspection. Trying to figure out the root of my many many issues.

 

[SFreed]

I was short as a kid. I mean really short. 4' 6" when I started High School, so incredibly short. 1300 kids in my Freshman class, and one kid shorter than me. An actual midget. To say I was picked on is an understatement. I was beat up on a regular basis by several others, and at that time (late 70's) the advice given by Teachers and the Principal was to stand up for yourself. I grew up on a farm, so I had some strength, but I was convinced that there was nothing I could do. I spent my time at school scurrying from class to class, head down, not talking and not looking at people, trying to get through the day. Eventually my uncle (retired Major in the Army, WWII, Korea and Viet Nam. Great guy, and I thought he was a total badass) noticed and told me some fundamental truths. Nobody was going to stop them but me, and 95% of people don't like getting hit. He helped me with a few things, showed me how to hit someone without hurting myself, and told me that I needed to change the odds and not worry about 'fighting fair". I remember the first time I stood up for myself like it was yesterday. Jeff T. was one of the worst tormentors I had. I stood in the hallway that ran between the two buildings waiting for him to walk by. I had positioned myself next to the group of teachers that were there to keep an eye on everyone. Jeff walked by and I stepped out in front of him and hit him as hard as I could, grabbed him around the neck and started trying to choke him out. About the time he got out of my chokehold, the teachers jumped in and broke it up, taking us both to the principals office. I was given detentions and we were sent back to class. I did the same thing the next day as well, and Jeff decided that there were other people easier to pick on. That was the last time I allowed someone to bully me. I got beat up several times, but word got out, and most of them left me alone. I graduated High School at 5'6", convinced I was going to be short. The year after I graduated, I grew 8 inches in 10 months, which led to a lot of issues with cartilage and ligaments, and a lot of pain. Ended up pretty chunky after I got married, and had convinced myself that I was in good shape. Ate crap, smoked, never got any real exercise. Realized one day that I was a fat sack of sh*t, and if I wanted to live past 50 I needed to make some changes. At 45 I quit smoking, started jogging and joined a commercial gym for the first time ever. I'm 53 now and in the best shape of my life (so far). I've kept up the gym religiously through 4 job transfers, and have no plans to quit. My problem is that no matter what, inside I'm still a short fat kid, and I have to remind myself not to scurry around, hiding from people. I was asked to go to my 35 year High School by a girl who lived down the road from me. I replied that I had no intention on going, because HS wasn't that much fun for me. The real reason I didn't want to was because I knew some of my old tormentors would be there. I knew that they had gotten old and soft, and I also knew that there were two of them I would beat to a pulp at the first chance. And while that would be wrong, the short fat kid inside me would cheer loudly.



Left side is approx. 2008 and 250 ish pounds. Right side is a few months ago

 

[FireTitan]

Ok, here it goes.

When I was very young (Pre-High School Age) my family life was less than stellar. I was incredibly introverted, and with good reason. My sister was abusive to the point where I probably should have received therapy. I had multiple issues dealing with the stress, and nobody would believe me about her behavior.

She had me traumatized so much, at night I would sneak out of my bedroom, and fall asleep by the doorway of the bathroom down the hallway form my parents room because the light would shine from the night light in that room across the hall. You, see, she had me terrified that vampires would find me. They could hear my heart beating; smell me; and hear my breath. Other times, I would wedge myself between the dresser and the wall crumpled into a ball so tight I woke up drenched with sweat, when I did fall asleep.

I couldn't eat when she was at the table because she ate with her mouth open, whereas I soon developed an eating disorder. I would pick at my food or eat very small portions, just so I could say, "finished" and run off to submerse myself in my art, or workout. Eventually my parents caught her at her bullsh1t, and from then on, it really didn't get better, she was just punished.

I remember the day I asked for weights, and my parents lit up because I actually asked for something. They could not have supported me more. That is when I found out for myself, by exerting great energy, and getting stronger, I gradually overcame my fear of the dark, and vampires. I tested myself continuously. I asked my parents if I could move into he basement (Just for that reason) but I never told them. The basement could get pitch black, and it wasn't long before I actually enjoyed the dark. It was cool, and relaxing.

I started an interest in supplements, and began to scan magazines and read articles about physiology, exercise, anatomy, and how the metabolic system worked. I wanted to make myself invincible, or as close to it as possible. I bought a book about Bruce Lee, and devoured it's contents. He became my new hero. The philosophy of the east was enticing and offered me solstice from the harshness I found in others my own age, and my older sister. It was a directly opposing point of view. I recall vividly.

"I am like water, when you place me in a tea cup, I become the cup,
and when you place me in a tea pot, I become the tea pot."

- Bruce Lee (Paraphrased)​

It wasn't long before I actually began showing an incredible muscle structure, and had an amazing body that permitted me to be active. Just being active and doing things I could never have previously imagined. Jumping and diving onto my hands and sticking a handstand was fun. Dancing, and lifting were new passions. I even began to pay more attention to my diet. I was only 15 and making my own yogurt.

I challenged myself at every opportunity. When it snowed, I was out first with the shovel to see how fast I could finish the driveway before my dad even made it outside to check. I would run in place at night, or go out and ride my bike around the neighborhood at all hours of the night. Anything to be active and push myself. Pushups until I collapsed. I remember asking for a Tens System I saw in a magazine, (LOL) because I thought it would help me 'build my muscles' even at rest. This obsession was the distraction I needed to separate myself from my sister. It calmed me, enabled me to be more relaxed and cope.

I would have otherwise ended my own life​

I think weightlifting and an avid interest in fitness has saved my life. I honestly think I would have killed myself, but instead, I tried to kill myself a healthy way, by pushing and pulling and punching and kicking, and lifting. Ever since, I have considered the gym, my place of peace. It's a sanctuary.

In the past 7 years, I have taken care of my parents whom died of cancer; lost everything; almost died; regained my job; worked hard; lost my best friend; rediscovered my art; and only recently have made a life commitment to become the best I can be, for myself, and my wife. I do not see a future without a life fitness plan.

I owe a debt to myself which I wake up and pay back daily in the gym, and when I prepare myself. ​

Today, my sister is homeless, and after years of dealing with her, it is my thought she suffers from borderline personality disorder; schizophrenia; or any number of mental ailments that have gone undiagnosed. I have only recently been strong enough to tell her, I cannot have anything to do with her, I will no longer support her in any way until she seeks the care she needs.

Unbelievable my man!! Incredible story and I thank you for sharing.
FYI... I love Bruce Lee too! "You must be like water"!

 

[justhere4comm]

I was short as a kid. I mean really short. 4' 6" when I started High School, so incredibly short. 1300 kids in my Freshman class, and one kid shorter than me. An actual midget. To say I was picked on is an understatement. I was beat up on a regular basis by several others, and at that time (late 70's) the advice given by Teachers and the Principal was to stand up for yourself. I grew up on a farm, so I had some strength, but I was convinced that there was nothing I could do. I spent my time at school scurrying from class to class, head down, not talking and not looking at people, trying to get through the day. Eventually my uncle (retired Major in the Army, WWII, Korea and Viet Nam. Great guy, and I thought he was a total badass) noticed and told me some fundamental truths. Nobody was going to stop them but me, and 95% of people don't like getting hit. He helped me with a few things, showed me how to hit someone without hurting myself, and told me that I needed to change the odds and not worry about 'fighting fair". I remember the first time I stood up for myself like it was yesterday. Jeff T. was one of the worst tormentors I had. I stood in the hallway that ran between the two buildings waiting for him to walk by. I had positioned myself next to the group of teachers that were there to keep an eye on everyone. Jeff walked by and I stepped out in front of him and hit him as hard as I could, grabbed him around the neck and started trying to choke him out. About the time he got out of my chokehold, the teachers jumped in and broke it up, taking us both to the principals office. I was given detentions and we were sent back to class. I did the same thing the next day as well, and Jeff decided that there were other people easier to pick on. That was the last time I allowed someone to bully me. I got beat up several times, but word got out, and most of them left me alone. I graduated High School at 5'6", convinced I was going to be short. The year after I graduated, I grew 8 inches in 10 months, which led to a lot of issues with cartilage and ligaments, and a lot of pain. Ended up pretty chunky after I got married, and had convinced myself that I was in good shape. Ate crap, smoked, never got any real exercise. Realized one day that I was a fat sack of sh*t, and if I wanted to live past 50 I needed to make some changes. At 45 I quit smoking, started jogging and joined a commercial gym for the first time ever. I'm 53 now and in the best shape of my life (so far). I've kept up the gym religiously through 4 job transfers, and have no plans to quit. My problem is that no matter what, inside I'm still a short fat kid, and I have to remind myself not to scurry around, hiding from people. I was asked to go to my 35 year High School by a girl who lived down the road from me. I replied that I had no intention on going, because HS wasn't that much fun for me. The real reason I didn't want to was because I knew some of my old tormentors would be there. I knew that they had gotten old and soft, and I also knew that there were two of them I would beat to a pulp at the first chance. And while that would be wrong, the short fat kid inside me would cheer loudly.


View attachment 142012
Left side is approx. 2008 and 250 ish pounds. Right side is a few months ago

I can't like this because I love this.

 

[justhere4comm]

Unbelievable my man!! Incredible story and I thank you for sharing.
FYI... I love Bruce Lee too! "You must be like water"!

Thanks BroH2O!

 

[mmorso]

Subbed. Great thread MidwestBeast

 

[mmorso]

I got into drugs heavily as a kid, mostly out of boredom and having a wild streak, but I started messing around with heroin in my teens and have struggled with substance abuse issues for the past 20 yrs.

I've always had a strong will power and a good work ethic. In fact, as a full blown addict I use to climb cell towers and worked crazy amounts of overtime, some weeks over 80 hrs. I started to develop lung problems from snorting drugs and kept getting on and off prednisone and one day I decided that I was going to kick. I packed up my truck and drove from Chicago to Montana the next day. I stopped in SD for 2 days to sweat it out in a hotel room..

I started dating my wife a couple weeks after I had quit doing dope. She made it a point while we were dating that she wasn't going to put up with me using drugs. After a few years of dating we got married and, although I was off drugs, my drinking was out of control.

I don't think I had taken a day off of drinking in maybe 10 yrs. I was drinking at least a pint of sh1tty whiskey and a six pack daily. I developed a huuuge gut and got up to 230lbs. I started hating how I looked and noticed how hard it was for me to get on a horse and work cows (my current job).

A year and a half ago, my wife took my 1yr old son to the dr for a routine check up and we got a crazy scare: his head was growing out of proportion with his body and they thought he had hydrocephalus (water in the brain). My wife was devastated and I felt those old temptations to get fcked up to cope with the stress surface again. I hated and resented it this time. I started hating and resenting all my weaknesses in general. I felt that I needed to be strong for my wife and be positive so I quit drinking.

I started going on long walks, 10+ miles, and would pray rosaries for my kid. I started getting really spiritual and would fast and go on these long walks and the weight started coming off me. My hatred for my body and its weaknesses and my mind and my metal weaknesses seemed to grow and I started lifting. After a couple months it became my new coping mechanism and replacement addiction.

Anyway, my son ended up being fine and I now drink moderately when I drink, which isn't often at all, cause it never fits into my macros.

I still have a lot of issues with my body and love that there is no "end" goal... I'll always be trying to improve my body comp and lifts which demands that I'll never get complacent and will continue challenging myself. In life this builds character and integrity, which is what seems to be lacking among men in the world today. As a dad I want to be that strong man. Anyway that's why I got into lifting weights

 

[justhere4comm]

I got into drugs heavily as a kid, mostly out of boredom and having a wild streak, but I started messing around with heroin in my teens and have struggled with substance abuse issues for the past 20 yrs.

I've always had a strong will power and a good work ethic. In fact, as a full blown addict I use to climb cell towers and worked crazy amounts of overtime, some weeks over 80 hrs. I started to develop lung problems from snorting drugs and kept getting on and off prednisone and one day I decided that I was going to kick. I packed up my truck and drove from Chicago to Montana the next day. I stopped in SD for 2 days to sweat it out in a hotel room..

I started dating my wife a couple weeks after I had quit doing dope. She made it a point while we were dating that she wasn't going to put up with me using drugs. After a few years of dating we got married and, although I was off drugs, my drinking was out of control.

I don't think I had taken a day off of drinking in maybe 10 yrs. I was drinking at least a pint of sh1tty whiskey and a six pack daily. I developed a huuuge gut and got up to 230lbs. I started hating how I looked and noticed how hard it was for me to get on a horse and work cows (my current job).

A year and a half ago, my wife took my 1yr old son to the dr for a routine check up and we got a crazy scare: his head was growing out of proportion with his body and they thought he had hydrocephalus (water in the brain). My wife was devastated and I felt those old temptations to get fcked up to cope with the stress surface again. I hated and resented it this time. I started hating and resenting all my weaknesses in general. I felt that I needed to be strong for my wife and be positive so I quit drinking.

I started going on long walks, 10+ miles, and would pray rosaries for my kid. I started getting really spiritual and would fast and go on these long walks and the weight started coming off me. My hatred for my body and its weaknesses and my mind and my metal weaknesses seemed to grow and I started lifting. After a couple months it became my new coping mechanism and replacement addiction.

Anyway, my son ended up being fine and I now drink moderately when I drink, which isn't often at all, cause it never fits into my macros.

I still have a lot of issues with my body and love that there is no "end" goal... I'll always be trying to improve my body comp and lifts which demands that I'll never get complacent and will continue challenging myself. In life this builds character and integrity, which is what seems to be lacking among men in the world today. As a dad I want to be that strong man. Anyway that's why I got into lifting weights

Great success journey bro!

 

[mmorso]

I have literally unlimited willpower (good). I can go zero carb, zero stims, whatever. Just flip the switch and I'm 100% dedicated. The issue, is that I ahve more of a switch than a scale... Its all or nothing for me and this has molded much of my eating and training habits.

Yeah brother I'm like this too... it seems it's the only way I can be successful with any endeavor is to go all in.

 

[thorsdad31]

This rocks MidwestBeast! So I guess my story is a little different. I was lean, and had a bit of muscle when I was a kid. Lightning fast and very athletic. Joined the Military and nothing changed. Ran around whoring myself so I had to have "that" look. Got married at 21....BOOM. It started to fall apart. Just kept getting bigger and softer. Really didnt know I was either, I was blond about it and my wife loves me regardless so she didnt say anything. Went to Iraq as a civilian fireman for 2 year and came back jacked!! Went to an Airport fore department when I got home and let loose. My " ill take a break for a couple weeks" turned into 6 years. Pitiful. Fast forward. Last year I decided I was rotting and decided to put an application into a city fire department before I was to old. I got the job. STOKED!! But climbing stairs with 65lbs of gear on and another 25-50 in my hands I realized I was bad off. Long story a bit shorter, I had to make changes. In this year Ive dropped 40lbs, built a good amount of muscle and started getting into shape bringing my shift guys along with me. Ive got them lifting and running. Then the best thing that could have happened, happened. I found this forum and its been a Godsend. Nothing but goodtimes and knowledge to be shared and its brought me along faster than ever. Ive posted these on another thread, so I hope you dont mind a couple pictures, but the first picture is of me around 24

This picture was last week, at 39 years old

You are a bad @$$ u are inspiring homie

 

[FireTitan]

You are a bad @$$ u are inspiring homie

Nice to hear from anyone, but from you? Just cant tell you much that means! Thank you hoss

 

[thorsdad31]

Nice to hear from anyone, but from you? Just cant tell you much that means! Thank you hoss

Your welcome to juggle your job and do what u do in the gym is a true testament of will you never have an excuse u find a way to get ish done major props

 

[MidwestBeast]

Okay, some a few of those were long (I like long -- just hate doing it on mobile lol), so I just now caught up.

I just would like to thank each of you for sharing your stories. It's amazing to me what people are capable of (both good and bad; the bad that many of you experienced from others and the good that you're now doing) and I'm honored that AM is a place where we can feel comfortable being honest and vulnerable. That's not an easy thing to do and many of you know more about the most inner details of my life and mind than my closest friends do. It's not easy to talk to people about these things and I think our shared interest in health/fitness allows a level of understanding / empathy that others would struggle to find.

A little while ago, my mom had shared this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sr6lr_VRsEo

And about midway through, I just started to tear up. I could feel it coming on, but then by the time it was over, I was weeping. No audible sobbing or anything like that, but a steady stream of tears. It's a cute video and all, but I just couldn't figure out how it was that impactful to me. I love Christmas, but it doesn't feel like that time of year to me yet (it's still in the mid 60's and into the 70's here in KY and we just have Fall decorations still up).

It didn't hit me til after -- I had already read 2 stories on here when I jumped over to watch that. It was your stories that led me there. I'm not someone who is ashamed of crying, mind you. I cry almost every Sunday at church. I don't cry for no reason lol, but when I do, I find it's a very healthy release of emotion and I can tell the difference of having that removed vs. trying to hold that in.

Anyway, I just want to thank all of you for being so comfortable and making AM such a great place. Everything that you've been through and the fact that you're still pushing forward and never giving up makes me so very happy (I just started to tear up again, but don't worry -- I'm smiling lol).

Thank you.

 

[FireTitan]

Okay, some a few of those were long (I like long -- just hate doing it on mobile lol), so I just now caught up.

I just would like to thank each of you for sharing your stories. It's amazing to me what people are capable of (both good and bad; the bad that many of you experienced from others and the good that you're now doing) and I'm honored that AM is a place where we can feel comfortable being honest and vulnerable. That's not an easy thing to do and many of you know more about the most inner details of my life and mind than my closest friends do. It's not easy to talk to people about these things and I think our shared interest in health/fitness allows a level of understanding / empathy that others would struggle to find.

A little while ago, my mom had shared this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sr6lr_VRsEo

And about midway through, I just started to tear up. I could feel it coming on, but then by the time it was over, I was weeping. No audible sobbing or anything like that, but a steady stream of tears. It's a cute video and all, but I just couldn't figure out how it was that impactful to me. I love Christmas, but it doesn't feel like that time of year to me yet (it's still in the mid 60's and into the 70's here in KY and we just have Fall decorations still up).

It didn't hit me til after -- I had already read 2 stories on here when I jumped over to watch that. It was your stories that led me there. I'm not someone who is ashamed of crying, mind you. I cry almost every Sunday at church. I don't cry for no reason lol, but when I do, I find it's a very healthy release of emotion and I can tell the difference of having that removed vs. trying to hold that in.

Anyway, I just want to thank all of you for being so comfortable and making AM such a great place. Everything that you've been through and the fact that you're still pushing forward and never giving up makes me so very happy (I just started to tear up again, but don't worry -- I'm smiling lol).

Thank you.

I for one have read and appreciated everyones story, and thank you for starting this thread. I can say that I see nothing wrong with a man crying, but my career has robbed me of my "human side". HOWEVER, the one thing I took from this thus far, was a feeling of knowing that I share so much with so many, and that no matter how rough I think My story is, there are so many that pulled through worse!! And that alone gave me a sense of appreciation that I rarely feel.

I love the video by the way! And-FYI, if theres one place I dont mind shedding a tear, and have done so, is Church, so hold your head up on that!!

 

[FireTitan]

Edit for my above post- its still 65-70 during the day here in the Piedmont of NC as well, but that doesnt slow my wife down. The tree and all of her decorations are up already, as they are every year before Thanksgiving!

 

[MidwestBeast]

Edit for my above post- its still 65-70 during the day here in the Piedmont of NC as well, but that doesnt slow my wife down. The tree and all of her decorations are up already, as they are every year before Thanksgiving!

Haha! I can't handle it, man.

Like, if it snows at the beginning of the month, then I'm kind of like "well, Winter is already here..." But otherwise, nope! Not til day after Thanksgiving. Each one gets a month -- Halloween decs in October, Fall decs in November, Christmas decs in December. Boom.

 

[FireTitan]

Haha! I can't handle it, man.

Like, if it snows at the beginning of the month, then I'm kind of like "well, Winter is already here..." But otherwise, nope! Not til day after Thanksgiving. Each one gets a month -- Halloween decs in October, Fall decs in November, Christmas decs in December. Boom.

Im with you. But the wife and I have an agreement. I get the stuff out of the attic, and the next day I spend the entire day hunting while she puts whatever she wants up. It works out great for me

 

[MidwestBeast]

Im with you. But the wife and I have an agreement. I get the stuff out of the attic, and the next day I spend the entire day hunting while she puts whatever she wants up. It works out great for me

Haha nice deal.

I basically do all the decorating or it doesn't happen.

smh

lol

 

[SFreed]

This year will be the first time in about 8 years that we put up anything for Christmas decorations. We lived far enough away from our kids that no one else came to our house for Christmas, so never really felt the need. My daughter has decided to get out of the Marines and her EAS looks to be 15 December, and it looks like her and my 2 grandkids will be with us for a month or so. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas.

 

[FireTitan]

This year will be the first time in about 8 years that we put up anything for Christmas decorations. We lived far enough away from our kids that no one else came to our house for Christmas, so never really felt the need. My daughter has decided to get out of the Marines and her EAS looks to be 15 December, and it looks like her and my 2 grandkids will be with us for a month or so. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas.

Nice!!! Im excited for you brother!

 

[justhere4comm]

I'm looking forward to Christmas as well.

Love the music and people go out of their way to be nice. At least for one time per year.

Makes me think about how I would drive my mom around looking at all of the decorations because she was too sick to do anything else. It made her forget the pain for a short time.

 

[FireTitan]

I'm looking forward to Christmas as well.

Love the music and people go out of their way to be nice. At least for one time per year.

Makes me think about how I would drive my mom around looking at all of the decorations because she was too sick to do anything else. It made her forget the pain for a short time.

I remember when I was a kid, my mom would make 100s of cookies, and during the daytime on Christmas Eve, we would drive to every station of my Dads Police Department and give them the Officers on duty. They looked forward to those cookies every year.

 

[angcd3]

This year will be the first time in about 8 years that we put up anything for Christmas decorations. We lived far enough away from our kids that no one else came to our house for Christmas, so never really felt the need. My daughter has decided to get out of the Marines and her EAS looks to be 15 December, and it looks like her and my 2 grandkids will be with us for a month or so. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas.

Thats awesome!

 

[justhere4comm]

This year will be the first time in about 8 years that we put up anything for Christmas decorations. We lived far enough away from our kids that no one else came to our house for Christmas, so never really felt the need. My daughter has decided to get out of the Marines and her EAS looks to be 15 December, and it looks like her and my 2 grandkids will be with us for a month or so. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas.

Beautiful.

 

[mmorso]

Im with you. But the wife and I have an agreement. I get the stuff out of the attic, and the next day I spend the entire day hunting while she puts whatever she wants up. It works out great for me

That's pretty badass!!! I get called a ba-humbug if I'm not just unbelievably excited to untangle strings of xmas lights

 

[FireTitan]

That's pretty badass!!! I get called a ba-humbug if I'm not just unbelievably excited to untangle strings of xmas lights

Exactly why I love it. And I dont even have to mess with it other than getting out of storage.

 

[Bmac63095]

I would post a pic but I can't. My pepperoni nipples are so ugly. But I love them. Was yo spot me at the beach, best part about them