I hate my life. anyone ever just fall backwards fighting to move on?

[KilaCali]

So a lot of people don't see this in my logs and even real life but I am so disgusted with my life and no matter the anger/determination/patience/support I move 2 steps forward, stop for a second and fall 10 steps back..

Why is it I can give the best advice and be the hardest rock solid support for anyone and everyone no matter the situation or knowledge of their situation and push others forward with endless patience and strength yet I cant push myself as far as waking up another day just to simply exist and if I run into someone I can be the most genuinely positive individual on earth though im dying inside and want to fade back into the dust where I came from.. I really don't even feel like posting this for the most part but I feel like maybe someone can gain something positive from this or maybe one person might say that one word that will blow my mind and remove my perplexity...

love for everyone, god bless you all and I pray no one else ever be in this position..

 

[puccah8808]

Always make yourself your FIRST priority. Also, 10 steps back and one step forward is not considered failing.

View attachment 120522

 

[Afi140]

sorry you're going through this brother. I will be praying for you. I suggest you open your bible or look up some scripture on God's love and plan for your life. There is great comfort in truly relying in his sovereignty. I know it's easier said than done but keep praying and seeking him man.

 

[koltink]

Also sorry to hear this man! But just by reading some of your logs and posts I think we all believe you have what it takes to get through this. I was in a similar situation about 6 months ago. It truly takes a lot of courage to admit to feeling broken especially knowing that other people may look to you for help/advice. I'll be praying for you as well. Get well brother

 

[Rocket3015]

I don't know what I can do to help (except pray for you) but if need anything please let me know!

 

[Jebrook]

I don't know what I can do to help (except pray for you) but if need anything please let me know!

^^^^Same here man. Hang in there

 

[rugger48]

change something, anything. Coack kids in sports, pick a good trainer(i.e. defranco,wendler,gentlecore) read every and anything about them and learn as much as you can, start a new routine(squat everyday,5-3-1,westsidebarbell,dc training), change up your training higher rep, extra mobility stuff, different types of agility drills outside more cardio outside, go somewhere on short notice.

 

[KilaCali]

Thank you all, I always turn to god every day when I wake and before I goto sleep and in between I think of his words and his mercy and it pierces my heart like a razor sharp dagger but I feel like my heart is so full of corruption from so many years of being around the same damn thing and same people with nothing but negativity flowing freely, I finally in the last year have cut so many people out of my life and became such a loner and somehow its like a door opened and all this came rushing in and I start self destructing.. im not seeking sympathy or a pity party, I guess im just venting and seeking acceptance and to know theres still people in this world that give a **** about the next individual, though ive had so many "close friends" that seemed to be willing to bleed for me when it came time for me to go away for my mistakes everyone vanished in my life and I come back and the only direction I had is some office full of people waiting for you to fail and taking all of your time basically THEIR time and making it almost impossible to find a job or do anything positive with your life.. you can't set plans with anyone or focus on any one thing because theres always someone to step in the way and stop you dead in your tracks and remind you of your past failures and push you back and tell you that your never going to progress, only regress and become trapped in your past having dreams the 2 or 3 hours you sleep that are more lke nightmares bringing back your past in the worst possible way making you afraid to goto sleep knowing what awaits you and awaking like groundhog day to the same routine everyday and what seems like no chance in hell you can break free even after over a year of doing what you can.... obviously I need to see a damn therapist I think cause ive been dreaming the same damn dreams for over 16 months now, I awake in this funk and cant shake these damn thoughts left over from these dreams and it practically ruins your day/. I guess I can say I have some slight PTSD issues from the last 10 years of my life living in hell.. once again I appreciate everyone, your all so awesome and have so mANY golden words of wisdom and I listen and follow every single one of them and will not forget them.. god bless you all..

2 Timothy 1
3
I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers with pure conscience, that without ceasing I have remembrance of thee in my prayers night and day;
4
Greatly desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy;
5
When I call to remembrance the unfeigned faith that is in thee, which dwelt first in thy grandmother Lois, and thy mother Eunice; and I am persuaded that in thee also.
6
Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.
7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
8
Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
9
Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began,
10
But is now made manifest by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who hath abolished death, and hath brought life and immortality to light through the gospel:

 

[Aleksandar37]

If there is anything that I can do to help, please reach out. Even if it's just needing somebody to listen.

 

[AaronJP1]

It shows a lot that even though you may be having negative thoughts you still manage to show positivity. That's tough to do.

 

[Jiigzz]

People often shrug away the idea of talking to someone, but to me it seems like that is a perfect option. Sometimes all you need is for someone to listen to you, talk to you or probe as to why you are having these thoughts.

People can see advice on a screen but unless they know your struggle, can talk to your face, can listen and provide support , its just not the same. Reach out to someone and youll be surprised the difference it can make

 

[UCSMiami]

Yeah, been there. It is one of those points in life where giving up is easier than fighting that instinct. I see it as an extreme test in life. Something you really never want to experience but once you do and overcome- life is sweeter and you know more about yourself than you ever did or will.

 

[vujade]

KC, I understand where you are coming from bro. Sometimes its hard to let go of the past.
Especially if you still have friends that you were close to that were part of your life from the past and also
its hard to let get of the memories of the past, both good and bad.

Unfortunately the only way to move forward in your life, most of the time, you have to break all ties to the past.
And establish new friends that have similar goals to your current life and who you are now and who you want to be.

If I can share one scripture that gives me comfort and hope..

ISAIAH 41:10

Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
Do not be anxious, for I am your God.
I will fortify you, yes, I will help you,
I will really hold on to you with my right hand of righteousness.

 

[Admin]

 

[kenpoengineer]

 

[AE14]

View attachment 120545

this is actually my email signature at work.

To the OP, remember that there are countless people here who have been through the same thing and continue through it everyday. No one is ever alone in their struggles. Never be afraid top reach out

 

[Rocket3015]

View attachment 120545

I had to copy and save this, Great Quote !!

 

[Godstrength]

Thank you all, I always turn to god every day when I wake and before I goto sleep and in between I think of his words and his mercy and it pierces my heart like a razor sharp dagger but I feel like my heart is so full of corruption from so many years of being around the same damn thing and same people with nothing but negativity flowing freely, I finally in the last year have cut so many people out of my life and became such a loner and somehow its like a door opened and all this came rushing in and I start self destructing.. im not seeking sympathy or a pity party, I guess im just venting and seeking acceptance and to know theres still people in this world that give a **** about the next individual, though ive had so many "close friends" that seemed to be willing to bleed for me when it came time for me to go away for my mistakes everyone vanished in my life and I come back and the only direction I had is some office full of people waiting for you to fail and taking all of your time basically THEIR time and making it almost impossible to find a job or do anything positive with your life.. you can't set plans with anyone or focus on any one thing because theres always someone to step in the way and stop you dead in your tracks and remind you of your past failures and push you back and tell you that your never going to progress, only regress and become trapped in your past having dreams the 2 or 3 hours you sleep that are more lke nightmares bringing back your past in the worst possible way making you afraid to goto sleep knowing what awaits you and awaking like groundhog day to the same routine everyday and what seems like no chance in hell you can break free even after over a year of doing what you can.... obviously I need to see a damn therapist I think cause ive been dreaming the same damn dreams for over 16 months now, I awake in this funk and cant shake these damn thoughts left over from these dreams and it practically ruins your day/. I guess I can say I have some slight PTSD issues from the last 10 years of my life living in hell.. once again I appreciate everyone, your all so awesome and have so mANY golden words of wisdom and I listen and follow every single one of them and will not forget them.. god bless you all..

2 Timothy 1
3
I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers with pure conscience, that without ceasing I have remembrance of thee in my prayers night and day;
4
Greatly desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy;
5
When I call to remembrance the unfeigned faith that is in thee, which dwelt first in thy grandmother Lois, and thy mother Eunice; and I am persuaded that in thee also.
6
Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.
7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
8
Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
9
Who hath saved us, and called us with an holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given us in Christ Jesus before the world began,
10
But is now made manifest by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who hath abolished death, and hath brought life and immortality to light through the gospel:

I think you need to come off the AAS bro.... Focus on you and getting your life right. As a 5x convicted felon and am now a youth pastor as well as able to work helping people to get out of the madness that was once my life. It is possible to overcome through Christ. God doesn't want us to blame society or the things that have happened to us.... It's about moving forward, I have compassion for you my brother but you can do this. If you feel alone God is there, and is probably asking you to take a look at what things in your life are not of Him and make your life more about Him and what His Word says. Men always seek and pray to God in their lowest moment not fully understanding that God is going to ask us to give up some things and make some changes in return. His Word is His instruction to us, it is not meant to be picked and chosen from or we are not supposed to use Him as a genie in a bottle to serve our needs when we need Him. We are called to surrender our lives in order to serve Him.... And we are saved by grace through faith in His Son. I believe God is bringing you to a place where you can completely turn your life over to Him, so that He can be glorified through it.... Your life can be a powerful testimony and example to others if you surrender fully...

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. (*Matthew‬ *16‬:*24-25‬ NASB)

 

[money0351]

I finally in the last year have cut so many people out of my life and became such a loner and somehow its like a door opened and all this came rushing in and I start self destructing..

I guess I can say I have some slight PTSD issues from the last 10 years of my life living in hell.. :

Honestly brother, I was at a pretty low point in my life
Not too long ago. I felt empty, my marriage was going down the drain, I was pushing away everyone who I felt was responsible for my issues as well as alienating those who truly loved me.

Isolation does not make things better in the long term... I cannot stress enough to build community with people who share similar values and, if at all possible, similar faith.

Lastly, I have seen many of my closest friends deal with PTSD. I was fortunate enough not to have any real issues after serving 4 years in an infantry unit in the Marine Corps as an Assaultman, but getting the right help for those issues is of utmost importance. You do not have to do it alone and you have plenty of people on here who are willing to help

 

[Admin]

Some of the responses here just make me ****ing smile. We all have lives behind these anonymous usernames, and sometimes that gets lost. Real lives with real problems. Family, financial, social, etc...it all matters to all of us and sometimes it feels like you get kicked in the nuts every single day (well I do because I have to manage social media platforms so it gets nasty).

True story:

Buddy of mine was at Atlantic City watching a guy play 1k per hand blackjack. He was on a roll and making money...stack of chips in front of him, which he then proceeded to lose all of it within 30 minutes. That last hand, last chip taken...the dealer looks up at him and says "**** happens...wipe and move on".

Thats life. You're never alone. Their are people who do and have gone through similar experiences. Don't let ego get in the way. Always reach out. You will have a better life, and better people in that life the more you do it.

 

[Driven2lift]

In a very rough spot right now myself.
Been here before, know its possible to make it through.

I'll be another volunteer if you need someone to talk to. I've already confided in someone and its already helping.

I agree with the above suggestion to come off AAS. You dont need any extra aggression

 

[kenpoengineer]

When it gets tough you have to simplify your life and concentrate on yourself. Refuse to spend time on anyone other than yourself for a while. If you find yourself in a negative situation or with negative people then exit ASAP.

 

[B5150]

Job
"For hardship does not spring from the soil, nor does trouble sprout from the ground. Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward"

Solomon
"So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether that person will be wise or foolish? Yet they will have control over all the fruit of my toil into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a person may labor with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then they must leave all they own to another who has not toiled for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What do people get for all the toil and anxious striving with which they labor under the sun? All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless.

A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?"

Jesus
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

In my 50 years I have had ups and downs. Some I'm a victim of and some I'm the perpetrator. In my life there have been season of great struggle; stress, anxiety, fear, as well as regret, shame and self loathing.

I have every confidence that "He uses all things for good for those who love Him..."

I'm just coming out the other side of the very toughest season of my life. He is good!

On line support is great but inadequate. I'm an Irish Italian New Yorker that has at times a hardened exterior yet I am the first to bear my heart to my brothers and often the first to tears. At times I just need a grown ass strong man to empathize with me, hold me, and let me sob on their shoulder. We are created for fellowship - in the flesh. I encourage you to find a community of men where you can bear your soul and find the compassion you need.

It takes a strong man to say he's weak. It take a courageous man to say he's afraid.

Be blessed!

 

[Otheridstaken]

Have you considered starting a business that puts your strengths to use? If your good at giving people advice and making them better at least find a way to make money at it.
You benefit and they benefit. A reciprocal relationship. Never been good at explaining things myself. Put your ability to use in some way.

 

[KilaCali]

Thank you all so much, I honestly don't even know what to say with so many words of wisdom and huge showing of support, that's why I love this forum so much....

to answer some of the questions and give an idea of whats been going on;
I've been seeking out god daily, praying upon waking with all my strength and faith meditating as deeply as possible on his words and strength and wisdom, I have always stayed close to him as best I can and praised in good times and bad and I used to be that person that only ran to him in times of trouble but for the past couple years I have stuck by my faith and talked to him daily no matter the situation.. it just seems like sometimes when your so close he seems so far away, and I know its obviously part of the bigger plans and constantl evaluate what can possibly come between my relationship with him and eliminate everything I can, I have dropped almost everyone in my life where I only speak to two or three people this past year now and it kind of sucks not having anyone to look to as a real friend when I see other people with these lifelong friends and so fourth, ive always moved around a lot growing up and it seems like since I came to Colorado 99% of the "friends" I made weren't friends at all... and the one or two people I could depend on live too far away now, honestly though ive been a loner most my life and when I look at it since being saved all I can think is I don't need anyone but god by myside.. but sometimes it just doesn't seem like im able to draw on his strength.. though im constantly reminded of word of scripture when I cry out to him for help
"my grace is sufficient for thee"
I just try to embrace this the best I can.. I really appreciate everything from everyone you all are amazing people and and anyone is blessed to have you all in their lives, as for the AAS I do plan to drop the cycle very soon

I would definitely love to volunteer anywhere I can because I only feel whole when im able to make someone else happy in any way possible, and I have plans to finish schooling and start a business or be part of a good one where I can apply my talents but im still a little lost and confused on getting there, I guess I make these plans and work hard to find that way and run into these damn deadends and it feels like the older I get and harder I try the harder it gets.. I always accept it as a challenge and a way to get stronger in the long run but lately its been very confusing and rough... losing 2 exttemely close people in my life within two months and then slipping and making stupid mistakes that are of course completely my fault that are placing me in a position to possibly end up getting locked up for the next 3-6 months which is what I have left on this ball&chain..

I don't even know how to explain my train and thought on this because I am so responsible and then the next second its like I totally lose my way and have no boundaries and don't even think about the consequences of my actions though its nothing really serious its still enough to take me away again and lately ive been feeling like I deserve it for being as stupid as I am, and its not me I ever worry about, its the people I hurt in the process like my mom being the only person in my life I really have and me being the only person there for her and putting here through this **** I feel like the biggest piece of **** and I guess Its time for a SERIOUS change.. if only I can figure out how to do this. thank you all again and god bless you, you all are truly awesome people!

 

[bobsaget2191]

praying for you bro never really been through what you have so I'm not gunna make something up if you need anything holla were all fam bro just don't give up

 

[Tufts604]

There was a lot of posts here I admittantly didn't read through all of them but here is my input.

I won't pray for you, thats not my thing, but will share my struggle and hopefully it will help. I recently made a huge change in outlook and habits myself after feeling very similar. I had been struggling with an internal conflict since being a youth.

1. I was living "MY" life going to the gym and eating right but would cave into peer pressure on weekends and for special occasions. It wasn't the drinking that was causing conflict internally. IT WAS NOT BEING TRUE TO MYSELF. I have recently changed my views/outlook I am very aware of what makes me happy and try to avoid the things that don't. This sounds simple but it isn't. There is a balance that must be found in being true to yourself and supporting others. Also there is a differnece is support and enabling. Althoug It sounds as if you have the supporting others thing down. I would self asses and ensure that you are staying true to yourself even when trying to please, help or support a friend.

2. I recently beat a ten year cocaine habit. This habit of course was causing immense inner tourmoile. In the beginning it was a social things but for many years I was aware it was an addiction, a problem but had excuses as to why quiting failed. I now have beat it, it has been over three months and mentally I feel as if it is simply in the past.
what changed was I stopped associating it negatively. I always used to say "I want to quit". The problem here is it is a negative input. negative inputs rarely create positive outcomes. If you think of it like math it makes a bit of sense. Add a bunch of negatives and you get a negative. When things finally changed it was because I was sick of being broke. I told myself I was going to save money possibly for a home. (thats a positive input) I then assesed areas of my life I could cut spending obviously cocaine had to go. Once I changed to positive reinforcment it all came much easier. Not to say I still didn't fail but after that change in thought it all seems easy.
The take away is positivite thoughts and goals stem positve outcomes.

3. To build on that: A mental positive outlook is very dependent upon positive inputs. That is why negative people always complain. the complaining reenforces the negative loop feeding itself causing them to unconsciously search for the negative. This can occur visa versa although as with anything it is the beginning that is most difficult. once your positive foundation is build it becomes easier to build upon. As it builds you see more positive and search it out. I feel it is very important to remember: THE INPUTS YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HELP FORM YOUR THOUGHTS. YOUR THOUGHTS HELP FORM YOUR WORDS. YOUR WORDS HELP FORM YOUR ACTIONS. AND YOUR ACTIONS DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE. With this in mind I found motivation videos or audio has made a great difference. I really like daily motivation on youtube.
Given I do not know your situation and I am not a psyciatrist I cannot offer you advise. Despite this I can share my experience and what has helped me.
I now feel elavated to a point I haven't even imagined possible.

I am not religous but I would suggest not to rely on god to help you. I think a better outllook is that your creator has given you the tools to handle and overcome anything that comes your way. If you ask anything of him ask that he enables you to be the strongest and best you. In most cases unhappy stems from within.
Sorry didnt spell check kinda rushed.
Sincerely I wish you the best. It's in your hands

 

[chedapalooza]

It's simple. Eliminate negative thoughts. Focus on the positive. Even if it's ONE positive thing. Focus all of your energy on that. And I promise you that your life become abundant with more and more positivity. It sounds silly but it really works. Leave NO room for misery. Don't even acknowledge it and will cease to exist.

 

[B5150]

It's simple. Eliminate negative thoughts. Focus on the positive. Even if it's ONE positive thing. Focus all of your energy on that. And I promise you that your life become abundant with more and more positivity. It sounds silly but it really works. Leave NO room for misery. Don't even acknowledge it and will cease to exist.

ive heard that before myself; it's simple - just be positive. If it were just as simple as that...

People need to recognize people don't choose to be be depressed or anxious. It happens and if it were as simple as deciding to be positive and happy I believe people would...

 

[Aleksandar37]

ive heard that before myself; it's simple - just be positive. If it were just as simple as that...

People need to recognize people don't choose to be be depressed or anxious. It happens and if it were as simple as deciding to be positive and happy I believe people would...

Yep. People have said "just relax" or "don't worry" when I'm in the middle of a panic attack. Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that lol. There's a difference between people that are depressed and people that are just negative.

 

[Mumbles01]

I don't know exactly what your situation is but I can definitely say the past 6 months has been getting me down pretty bad.
I was stuck in a job that I enjoyed sometimes but in the grand scheme of things I hated. I had literally no friends because I gave up partying & drinking to try & better my self so for months every weekend was just another day.
I was barely making any money.
Life just all around sucked.
So I decided to get more involved with my church. I began volunteering at our food bank on Saturday.
I signed up to teach the kids class. I put my self out there ya know. & I have to say, helping the next guy helped me so much.

Now recently I took a leap of faith. I quit my job and signed up for college. I start the 29th. & I have to say the past 2 weeks have Been the best I've had all year.

Make changes in your daily routine. Even if it's as simple as driving a different way to work. Do something different.
It might not be an instant game changer but soon enough over time it will become a key to happiness.

 

[JeremyNG25]

I

So a lot of people don't see this in my logs and even real life but I am so disgusted with my life and no matter the anger/determination/patience/support I move 2 steps forward, stop for a second and fall 10 steps back..

Why is it I can give the best advice and be the hardest rock solid support for anyone and everyone no matter the situation or knowledge of their situation and push others forward with endless patience and strength yet I cant push myself as far as waking up another day just to simply exist and if I run into someone I can be the most genuinely positive individual on earth though im dying inside and want to fade back into the dust where I came from.. I really don't even feel like posting this for the most part but I feel like maybe someone can gain something positive from this or maybe one person might say that one word that will blow my mind and remove my perplexity...

love for everyone, god bless you all and I pray no one else ever be in this position..

Just out of curiosity has this been going on for awhile now or something brand new? Are you on cycle? I've heard of people experiencing severe depression with some compounds ( like superdrol) so if you are running something take a step back and realize that this is most likely temporary. If you've been feeling this way for awhile then we'll..I can empathize because I know the feeling..just can't lose hope. As long as there's a glimmer of hope you can get through this

 

[compudog]

Dude it sounds like you're depressed. Encouragement and support is great, but depression isn't always a self-help thing IMO. If you feel like you're really struggling, you might consider talking to your doc about it. You might hear suggestions for mindfulness meditation, perhaps from your doc, perhaps from some other well wishers. I can personally testify that it can help a lot, however, it is a skill which takes time to learn, it's not a quick fix, so it's appropriate for the long term but not much help in the short run. Antidepressants have their drawbacks but for a short term fix they can work wonders. I don't know if any of this is helpful to you or not, but like I said, if you're struggling don't hesitate to lean on someone else, preferably a doc who can give you proper support.

 

[puccah8808]

I don't know exactly what your situation is but I can definitely say the past 6 months has been getting me down pretty bad.
I was stuck in a job that I enjoyed sometimes but in the grand scheme of things I hated. I had literally no friends because I gave up partying & drinking to try & better my self so for months every weekend was just another day.
I was barely making any money.
Life just all around sucked.
So I decided to get more involved with my church. I began volunteering at our food bank on Saturday.
I signed up to teach the kids class. I put my self out there ya know. & I have to say, helping the next guy helped me so much.

Now recently I took a leap of faith. I quit my job and signed up for college. I start the 29th. & I have to say the past 2 weeks have Been the best I've had all year.

Make changes in your daily routine. Even if it's as simple as driving a different way to work. Do something different.
It might not be an instant game changer but soon enough over time it will become a key to happiness.

Man, you sound just like me 2 years ago! Keep pushing forward and don't give up!

 

[KilaCali]

I

Just out of curiosity has this been going on for awhile now or something brand new? Are you on cycle? I've heard of people experiencing severe depression with some compounds ( like superdrol) so if you are running something take a step back and realize that this is most likely temporary. If you've been feeling this way for awhile then we'll..I can empathize because I know the feeling..just can't lose hope. As long as there's a glimmer of hope you can get through this

it's been going off & on for a while now, maybe the cycle adds to it a little bit but its definitely deeper rooted, ill be coming off soon enough and it might help but like I said its been there since before that, im usually in better control but I guess im just not finding the right way to get It all out.. thank yo though I appreciate it

 

[KilaCali]

Dude it sounds like you're depressed. Encouragement and support is great, but depression isn't always a self-help thing IMO. If you feel like you're really struggling, you might consider talking to your doc about it. You might hear suggestions for mindfulness meditation, perhaps from your doc, perhaps from some other well wishers. I can personally testify that it can help a lot, however, it is a skill which takes time to learn, it's not a quick fix, so it's appropriate for the long term but not much help in the short run. Antidepressants have their drawbacks but for a short term fix they can work wonders. I don't know if any of this is helpful to you or not, but like I said, if you're struggling don't hesitate to lean on someone else, preferably a doc who can give you proper support.

well ive always struggled with manic depression and I wouldn't doubt the last 10 years being highly stressful spending most of it locked away ive noticed since being out that ive had some issues that were never there before with anxiety and so fourth.. thank you for the awesome advice, ive been planning to see a doc specifically for that reason bt ive been procrastinating, not for long though, I know now I really need to get this taken care of because theres no denying its starting to interfere with daily activities,,

 

[KilaCali]

There was a lot of posts here I admittantly didn't read through all of them but here is my input.

I won't pray for you, thats not my thing, but will share my struggle and hopefully it will help. I recently made a huge change in outlook and habits myself after feeling very similar. I had been struggling with an internal conflict since being a youth.

1. I was living "MY" life going to the gym and eating right but would cave into peer pressure on weekends and for special occasions. It wasn't the drinking that was causing conflict internally. IT WAS NOT BEING TRUE TO MYSELF. I have recently changed my views/outlook I am very aware of what makes me happy and try to avoid the things that don't. This sounds simple but it isn't. There is a balance that must be found in being true to yourself and supporting others. Also there is a differnece is support and enabling. Althoug It sounds as if you have the supporting others thing down. I would self asses and ensure that you are staying true to yourself even when trying to please, help or support a friend.

2. I recently beat a ten year cocaine habit. This habit of course was causing immense inner tourmoile. In the beginning it was a social things but for many years I was aware it was an addiction, a problem but had excuses as to why quiting failed. I now have beat it, it has been over three months and mentally I feel as if it is simply in the past.
what changed was I stopped associating it negatively. I always used to say "I want to quit". The problem here is it is a negative input. negative inputs rarely create positive outcomes. If you think of it like math it makes a bit of sense. Add a bunch of negatives and you get a negative. When things finally changed it was because I was sick of being broke. I told myself I was going to save money possibly for a home. (thats a positive input) I then assesed areas of my life I could cut spending obviously cocaine had to go. Once I changed to positive reinforcment it all came much easier. Not to say I still didn't fail but after that change in thought it all seems easy.
The take away is positivite thoughts and goals stem positve outcomes.

3. To build on that: A mental positive outlook is very dependent upon positive inputs. That is why negative people always complain. the complaining reenforces the negative loop feeding itself causing them to unconsciously search for the negative. This can occur visa versa although as with anything it is the beginning that is most difficult. once your positive foundation is build it becomes easier to build upon. As it builds you see more positive and search it out. I feel it is very important to remember: THE INPUTS YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH HELP FORM YOUR THOUGHTS. YOUR THOUGHTS HELP FORM YOUR WORDS. YOUR WORDS HELP FORM YOUR ACTIONS. AND YOUR ACTIONS DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE. With this in mind I found motivation videos or audio has made a great difference. I really like daily motivation on youtube.
Given I do not know your situation and I am not a psyciatrist I cannot offer you advise. Despite this I can share my experience and what has helped me.
I now feel elavated to a point I haven't even imagined possible.

I am not religous but I would suggest not to rely on god to help you. I think a better outllook is that your creator has given you the tools to handle and overcome anything that comes your way. If you ask anything of him ask that he enables you to be the strongest and best you. In most cases unhappy stems from within.
Sorry didnt spell check kinda rushed.
Sincerely I wish you the best. It's in your hands

thank you very much bro, your words are very compelling and I appreciate it I pray for your strength as well and take all of this into consideration

 

[Tufts604]

Really hope it helps. Stay strong.

 

[KilaCali]

I can

I don't know exactly what your situation is but I can definitely say the past 6 months has been getting me down pretty bad.
I was stuck in a job that I enjoyed sometimes but in the grand scheme of things I hated. I had literally no friends because I gave up partying & drinking to try & better my self so for months every weekend was just another day.
I was barely making any money.
Life just all around sucked.
So I decided to get more involved with my church. I began volunteering at our food bank on Saturday.
I signed up to teach the kids class. I put my self out there ya know. & I have to say, helping the next guy helped me so much.

Now recently I took a leap of faith. I quit my job and signed up for college. I start the 29th. & I have to say the past 2 weeks have Been the best I've had all year.

Make changes in your daily routine. Even if it's as simple as driving a different way to work. Do something different.
It might not be an instant game changer but soon enough over time it will become a key to happiness.

I can totally agree, I pretty much have but 1 or two people in my life cause of the same reason, im thankful for this site because I would never find or receive this much support anywhere..

 

[TShoot]

KilaCali,

I don't know your situation and I don't proclaim to know the depth of your despair. I can promise you that you are not alone. One of the differences is that you are man enough to state your feelings on an open forum. Not many men ever do that because they view it as a sign of weakness. I believe the exact opposite - you are stronger and have more inner strength than you may think and more than a lot of the people on this forum. Never forget that.

Use whatever means you can. If you have insurance, talk to a specialist. If you need some medications to get you past this low point, then do it. If you need to open up to people who are experiencing what you are going through, than do it. If praying helps, do it. Use whatever tools you have available to you.

People who haven't REALLY experienced what you are going through are likely to think it is simple to fix - just think happy thoughts, stay positive, etc. It really isn't that easy and anybody who has felt like they are spiraling out of control with no parachute can tell you that. It is hard, daily work to stay afloat, much less make forward progress.

But, I KNOW you can do this. You have already demonstrated you have the mental and emotional fortitude that many don't even possess. MY best days are when I can go to bed early(ish) and wake up at 4am before the world wakes up and I can get my day situated and work done so I feel like I am ahead of everyone else versus feeling like I am always catching up.

There are a LOT of decent people on these forums that sound incredibly genuine. Use them (and me) as a sounding board. Seek professional help. Take care of YOURSELF. If you don't like yourself, than it is REALLY hard to climb out of the dark side of depression and like anybody else.

It is a daily struggle for a LOT of people. Don't suffer in silence. I TRULY wish you the best.

 

[KilaCali]

Thank you @T Shoot I really appreciate the compliments and motivation as well as the support from you and everyone else, I like how you stated your good days and how you go about them, that's how I need to be again cause honestly that is how I feel, like im constantly running to catch up and I fall further behind. I am truly grateful for this board and everyone on it, everyone is a god send and very special people, you all have given me tons of support and amazing words & ideas to think about and my main plan now is to see a counsler/dr... thinking about it now I realize not only from all the b.s. the last 8-10 yrs I been kind of stuck in but losing my best friend and my little 24 yr old angel of a cousin who looked at me like a hero in about a 2 month span and just after my best friend passing I started having intense manic-depressive episodes, depressed & having anxiety issues and I feel like maybe somehow I still havent found the proper relief.. I don't know tho that's why the shrink is gonna jave to dissect my brain & thinking to get to the root.. anyways thank you all again, I really do love & respect all of you and wish for the very best for all of you & your families!

 

[Spaniard]

Good luck buddy

 

[Rocket3015]

KilaCali, Just a shout out hoping things are looking up. Life is Good!

 

[Jiigzz]

Thank you @T Shoot I really appreciate the compliments and motivation as well as the support from you and everyone else, I like how you stated your good days and how you go about them, that's how I need to be again cause honestly that is how I feel, like im constantly running to catch up and I fall further behind. I am truly grateful for this board and everyone on it, everyone is a god send and very special people, you all have given me tons of support and amazing words & ideas to think about and my main plan now is to see a counsler/dr... thinking about it now I realize not only from all the b.s. the last 8-10 yrs I been kind of stuck in but losing my best friend and my little 24 yr old angel of a cousin who looked at me like a hero in about a 2 month span and just after my best friend passing I started having intense manic-depressive episodes, depressed & having anxiety issues and I feel like maybe somehow I still havent found the proper relief.. I don't know tho that's why the shrink is gonna jave to dissect my brain & thinking to get to the root.. anyways thank you all again, I really do love & respect all of you and wish for the very best for all of you & your families!

I will emphasize that talking to somebody, whether a close friend, support circle or getting in on a prayer circle will mean that people can walk alongside you through your journey. Humans are social creatures (for the most part) and we crave interaction and fellowship. This not only means sharing in good times but also providing support through the hardest times. Noone should ever have to walk alone and it is those who feel like they have noone to reach out to that suffer the most.

I wish you well man. Look after yourself.

 

[TShoot]

Thank you @T Shoot I really appreciate the compliments and motivation as well as the support from you and everyone else, I like how you stated your good days and how you go about them, that's how I need to be again cause honestly that is how I feel, like im constantly running to catch up and I fall further behind. I am truly grateful for this board and everyone on it, everyone is a god send and very special people, you all have given me tons of support and amazing words & ideas to think about and my main plan now is to see a counsler/dr... thinking about it now I realize not only from all the b.s. the last 8-10 yrs I been kind of stuck in but losing my best friend and my little 24 yr old angel of a cousin who looked at me like a hero in about a 2 month span and just after my best friend passing I started having intense manic-depressive episodes, depressed & having anxiety issues and I feel like maybe somehow I still havent found the proper relief.. I don't know tho that's why the shrink is gonna jave to dissect my brain & thinking to get to the root.. anyways thank you all again, I really do love & respect all of you and wish for the very best for all of you & your families!

I have been on the same non-stop roller-coaster and it isn't a very fun ride .

We are here for you my friend. Get started with help, use whatever tool(s) that you need and keep your mind and body busy with positive activities.

Anything you can do daily to feel like you have done something to better yourself professionally, personally, emotionally and/or spiritually (even if it is something small) will help you win the day. Daily wins are a great thing! Daily wins help you have great weeks and so on.

You can see that I have been a member for a long time but post very little. Your post was important enough for me to WANT to respond.

You have a lot of people that want to see you happy and succeed.

Keep us posted. Subscribed.

 

[KilaCali]

thank you guys, I hope anyone else out there that might feel alone catches this as well, its this support and these words from everyone that so many people never get to hear and its a sad truth so many don't know how to even open up and admit that they need help..

I definitely need to get back into a good church, ive noticed since I dropped out case the people I was going with just weren't into it like me and this was supposed to be my closest friends yet I would only see them when we went to church together then afterwards they wanted to go hang out with the wrong people so I quit goin, but I need to start going regardless cause I ca defiitley feel the emptiness without it.. thank you all and I will keep you all posted the best I can... god bless you all!

 

[hairygrandpa]

With so much support and advise from others, there is nothing left to say.
Keep your head high and be optimistic!

Best wishes, HG

 

[KilaCali]

With so much support and advise from others, there is nothing left to say.
Keep your head high and be optimistic!

Best wishes, HG

for sure man, thank you! and thanks to everyone! its hard to believe this many considerate people in one place, our lucky to meet a person like that once a year if your lucky.

 

[Whacked]

There are some truly great people with wonderful hearts on this thread. Great to see. Nice to see my fellow Christians chiming in with some great Godly words and advice.

 

[Shasow]

So a lot of people don't see this in my logs and even real life but I am so disgusted with my life and no matter the anger/determination/patience/support I move 2 steps forward, stop for a second and fall 10 steps back..

Why is it I can give the best advice and be the hardest rock solid support for anyone and everyone no matter the situation or knowledge of their situation and push others forward with endless patience and strength yet I cant push myself as far as waking up another day just to simply exist and if I run into someone I can be the most genuinely positive individual on earth though im dying inside and want to fade back into the dust where I came from.. I really don't even feel like posting this for the most part but I feel like maybe someone can gain something positive from this or maybe one person might say that one word that will blow my mind and remove my perplexity...

love for everyone, god bless you all and I pray no one else ever be in this position..

Sounds (to me) like you are not living true to yourself. Thats what happened (happens) to me when I don't stay true to my own Way. But its a mission just to reach the point of finding your own Way. So I don't know how far along you are but either way you sound like you are not living true to yourself.

I'm about to get some sleep but I'll read through this thread sometime tomorrow.