Wasted Talent

[Cuffs]

Thought I'd share this story with you all.

I used to train at a small gym that had the old school atmosphere...brick walls, metal roof, some homemade equipment, smelled musky, etc. From time-to-time, there were guest visits by professional bodybuilders. The owner is a former female bodybuilder who competed in local shows. She has a son who she trained through high school and a few years after. The dude built a very nice physique, and also began to compete in local shows. I used to train with him on occasion, and could see he had some talent. Not only in the gym, but could sing as well, and had aspirations of joining/starting a band.

Well, I laid off from training for a few years and got fat. When I decided to kick my ass, I went back to this gym (I have since changed gyms). Still had the same owner, same equipment, etc. I got right back into my training, almost like I never stopped. Anyways, after looking at his pictures on the walls and seeing his tropheys, I asked the owner about her son, and how he was doing. She just shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know. He's turned into a real shithead and I haven't seen him in a couple of years." She told me he has been unable to hold a job for more than a couple of weeks at a time, and only comes around for money. I just thought "how sad."

About a month ago, I was walking up to my grocery store to get my grub for the week. I see two dudes walking towards me, to go into a nearby head shop. These dudes looked like real dirtbags. I made eye contact with one, and I recognize him...it's the son of the gym owner. He recognizes me, turns and walks off very quickly as I was acknowleding him, leaving his buddy behind. This dude was all sucked up. Looked like he had been on a meth binge for months. His face was sunken in, eyes had dark circles, hair has fallen out, clothes hanging off of him, very unhealthy appearence. It was obvious that he was embarassed...or maybe just scared when he saw me.

Although, it's obvious this dude has an addiction that needs treated. It just amazes me how someone can change their priorities/lifestyles so extremely.

 

[CDB]

Sad. Eventually people like that, if they live, have to look at their lives and when they do, it ain't pretty. Maybe after he's abusedhimself enough he'll get his **** together.

 

[really_stupid]

seems like something out of a movie. crazy stuff

 

[BodyWizard]

sounds like that moment of recognition allowed him the chance to be ashamed - maybe some good will come of it.

 

[B5150]

For some, it is our "character flaw" that we carry with us all our lives. For some, it remains dormant, for others, it manifests itself in various aspects of our lives.

I played HS baseball and could have had at least a community college ride...got cut for smoking weed. After school I could have been a firefighter, but failed to appear for a test because of a binge. As recent as 5-6 years ago, I was in (as far as being trained to perform my job on site) as a Quality Engineer at Honeywell making $30/hr when the lab called me on the job and informed me I tested positive for THC. A couple-three DUI's and 8 months in DOC. Lots of wasted talent and opportunity in my life.

I will always carry this "character flaw" with me, but by the grace of God it is in remission. I have developed "character assets" in the last 37 months of sobriety that I can not believe are actually my character.

Back in the day when I was a kid and first realized I had a problem with meth, a guy told me something. He said that my chances of kicking it were "slim to grim". Didn't want to believe it. Years went by...he was right.

Shame and guilt couldn't motivate me. Negative consequences didn't deter me. It was not until I "tossed my shovel up out of the hole I was digging did I finally reach the bottom of it". It was admitting my powerlessness over this addictive personallity I had that I was able to begin to recover. It is in my weakness that God was able to be my strength...and he delivered me.

I don't really know where I am going with this or even why I cast "my pearls" sometimes. I have lately been "haunted" by my regrets. Clarity can sure make you see much clearer. God forgave me and delivered me. It is my prayer that I can accept His forgiveness and live regret free and that He would continue to place more years between the man I was and the man he transformed me to be.

Say a prayer for your friend and me...I'll do the same.
Brian

P.S.

It just amazes me how someone can change their priorities/lifestyles so extremely.

It can go both ways...I am living proof.

 

[Beowulf]

Wow! B5150, that was eloquently stated. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD? I ask b/c I am finishing my Master's Degree in education, and I studied that topic with great interest as one of my friends had ADHD growing up, and he sounded very similar to you. He is now 28 y/o and far from reformed. Sure enough, the research backed up his behavior. At least in part, it is due to lack of development in the pre-frontal cortex, which leads to an inability to learn from consequences. It is crazy that we can be so imprisoned by our biology sometimes.

I admire your will to continue. I have some similar stories, though I started to turn things around at the age of 21. I was a work in progress for several years, but I feel stronger and more stable then ever before and have no desire to revisit the feelings of that decadent period of my life.

 

[EEmain]

For some, it is our "character flaw" that we carry with us all our lives. For some, it remains dormant, for others, it manifests itself in various aspects of our lives.

I played HS baseball and could of had at least a community college ride...got cut for smoking weed. After school I could have been a firefighter, but failed to appear for a test because of a binge. As recent as 5-6 years ago, I was in (as far as being trained to perform my job on site) as a Quality Engineer at Honeywell making $30/hr when the lab called me on the job and informed me I tested positive for THC. A couple-three DUI's and 8 months in DOC. Lots of wasted talent and opportunity in my life.

I will always carry this "character flaw" with me, but by the grace of God it is in remission. I have developed "character assets" in the last 37 months of sobriety that I can not believe are actually my character.

Back in the day when I was a kid and first realized I had a problem with meth, a guy told me something. He said that my chances of kicking it were "slim to grim". Didn't want to believe it. Years went by...he was right.

Shame and guilt couldn't motivate me. Negative consequences didn't deter me. It was not until I "tossed my shovel up out of the hole I was digging did I finally reach the bottom of it". It was admitting my powerlessness over this addictive personallity I had that I was able to begin to recover. It is in my weakness that God was able to be my strength...and he delivered me.

I don't really know where I am going with this or even why I cast "my pearls" sometimes. I have lately been "haunted" by my regrets. Clarity can sure make you see much clearer. God forgave me and delivered me. It is my prayer that I can accept His forgiveness and live regret free and that He would continue to place more years between the man I was and the man he transformed me to be.

Say a prayer for your friend and me...I'll do the same.
Brian

P.S.It can go both ways...I am living proof.

:goodpost:

We came.. We came to.. We came to believe.

 

[B5150]

Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD?

I suspect that had I been tested back when I was a kid I may have been. I still may be had I been tested today. I was the kid that was going to skip a class one year, and by the next year or two they were going to leave me back.
But there were many significant events that coincided with my behaviors and acting out. I will say that I am a textbook product of my environment. My mother and biological father divorced. Never (quickly detached himself) saw my dad again. My mom married a man that became a full blown alcoholic. He was abusive to me (emotional/psycological/physical). Was experimenting with substances as early as 12. Had my first black-out alcohol episode on New Years Eve of my 13th year. Friends carried me home and dropped me at the door and rang the bell. During this period I had developed a sexual promiscuous(sp?) behavior as well. In hindsight I believe there may have also been some repressed sexual interference. This behavior later opened me up to welcome the interest and advances of a male school teacher. It was not until later in my young adult life did I realize that I was a victim of molestation, rather than just a victimless willing partner. This perpetuated and catapolted(sp) my deviant behaviors.

Did I mention I was a catholic school kid that got beat by nuns on a regular basis because of my acting out. Not to mention that my parents paid them for this disciplined environment.

Oh...mom was a nurse and dad was a cop. Ironic...huh.

The home was full blown alcoholic. Lots of enabling, codependant and alcoholic dysfunction.

Victims become perpetrators.

What we live we learn.
What we learn we practice.
What we practice we become.
What we become has consequences.

Everything that has happened to me has made me who I am today. Had I not had the experiences I had and overcome and began to recover I could not be a living testimony to the power of God and a transformed life.

John 9: 1-3
And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

Romans 8: 28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I am not the preacher type, in the traditional sense. I would rather consider myself a living testimony. Many preach and you can tell that it is hearsay. I share my experience and testimony. If it speaks to and reaches one person of the power of God to restore the broken, deliver the imprisoned, find the lost, and heal the sickly...praise God.

 

[B5150]

And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand.

And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words.
Kahlil Gibran

:thumbsup:

 

[ryansm]

Wow Brian, That was a moving post. I have battled addiction myself, and have thrown away many chances in my life. I have been sober now for three years after starting around the same age as you. It's people like you that give me the faith and courage to keep going. Thank you.

Oh, and I was diagnosed with ADD.

 

[B5150]

It's people like you that give me the faith and courage to keep going. Thank you.

Back at you!

 

[Matthew D]

It is amazing how many of us battle with addictions to things. And sometimes the most innocent looking things can become one things that drives you life, wether it be in a bad way or a good way.. B5150, thanks for the post..

 

[B5150]

:goodpost:

We came.. We came to.. We came to believe.

Funny...your sig grabbed my attention. I completely missed (saw it, didn't SEE it) your Step Two reference.
Thank YOU.

 

[motiv8er]

B5150

Thank you. You spoke right to me, for me. I have added

" I am not the preacher type, in the traditional sense. I would rather consider myself a living testimony. Many preach and you can tell that it is hearsay. I share my experience and testimony. If it speaks to and reaches one person of the power of God to restore the broken, deliver the imprisoned, find the lost, and heal the sickly...praise God."

To my sig, thanks man. Thanks for being brave.
MATT

 

[B5150]

motiv8er,

I'm both honored and flattered. Be well and be blessed.

Brian

 

[EEmain]

Funny...your sig grabbed my attention. I completely missed (saw it, didn't SEE it) your Step Two reference.
Thank YOU.

It is through the Experience, strength and hope of yourself and others that I have been able to keep the bottle out of arms reach.
My last drink was August 1993.

 

[hrdgain81]

This is an amazing thread. I'm glad I started reading it. It is inspiring
to me to see what others have overcome, and the changes others make
in thier lives. B5150 I am glad to hear you have found your true path,
and EEmain, you must be a very strong individual as well.

I've only stopped by the board a few times, but it is obvious there are good
people here.

Knowledge speaks, Wisdom listens.

 

[EEmain]

Thank you....

I have found that is easy to very humble when it comes to alcohol..
It truly kicked my ass.. and I know I am one drink away from being that
drunk again. Through the strength of the group I no longer drink"One day at a time."

It is in the rest of my life that being humble is a daily struggle.. one of the many character defects
that made me the alcoholic I was.

To carry the message is an honor and an obligation, to become the message(drink again) would be sheer
insanity.

 

[BodyWizard]

Brian, the story of your journey reminds me very much of my wife's upbringing: the alcohol, the violence, the substance abuse, the hypersexuality; though much has been mended in her life and with her parents, I know what a burden it is for her every day.

Even though that struggle has taken her from me now, I pray every day that peace will find her troubled heart and give her ease - as I pray for the burdened hearts of all who sorrow and suffer, for all the 'wounded healers' - and as I hope others pray for me.

My thanks to you, and all the men of true strength who have shared in this thread.

 

[Cuffs]

Wow Brian, thanks for sharing such a personal story with us. Takes a big man to do so. When I saw my "former freind", I guess in a way I was judging him. That's just human nature for those who have never experienced things others have. However, I also had mixed feelings of shame, sadness, and anger for him. One thing I did was immediately say a prayer for him, and for each time I think about the day I saw him. You as well bro, will be included in my prayers.

Once again, thanks for sharing that. You're a solid dude.

 

[B5150]

it is obvious there are good people here.

I see more evidence of this daily.

I pray every day that peace will find her troubled heart and give her ease - as I pray for the burdened hearts of all who sorrow and suffer, for all the 'wounded healers' - and as I hope others pray for me.

My thanks to you, and all the men of true strength who have shared in this thread.

I will share in this prayer with you as well. I am always impressed with your ability to reach MY heart. Thank You.

I guess in a way I was judging him. That's just human nature for those who have never experienced things others have.

I used to judge on my way "down" that I was not like them. Then I hit my bottom (different depth for everyone). Then I experienced the miraculous deliverance. I then began to think, feel and act in a very un-characteristic way. I began to have compassion and empathy. I was never the same again. I have a half brother and a step-dad that I am estranged from (thats right, twice abandoned). I used to be in-raged with them. Now I find myself weeping for them because they are truely suffering.

Thank you all for a place of acceptance and compassion.

 

[lifted]

I have battled through addiction in the past from drugs/alcohol. Was in and out of rehab, kicked out of the house, getting into trouble with police, locked up, etc. I did all that AA/NA stuff back when I was a tad younger than I ma now. And honestly, it just didn;t make it for me. I actually think going to those damn meetings just made it even harder for me to quit. I think that they are actually doing people more harm than good.

The only thing that helped me recover was hitting rock bottom. Shortly after that, and not being able to look at myself in the mirror anymore I isolated myself from everybody/everything. For about a year and a half, I stayed at home, went to work, and went to these BB'ing forums in hope that I could get on track with building a better body, and building a better me. Well, these forums were a godsend to me. I quickly started putting on weight, clearing my mind, and just being a happy person again.

After about two years into my training, I started using AAS/PH/PS's. Got greast results from them and used them responsibly. BUT, that didn't last for too long. Shortly thereafter I began to use AAS as a crutch. I started hanging out with old friends again cuase I was feeling SOOOO much better and thought that I could use drugs/alcohol in moderation and be okay with and responsible. PFFF....yeah right.

At this moment in time as I type this, I am again a drug addict. I haven't told this to anybody else in real life. THis is the first. In the past 4 months or so, I have begun taking pain killers again, drinking again, and smoking weed like it's fvcking drinking water. The only reason I've been able to somewhat control my useage this past month was becasue I'm doing my PCT at the moment from a four month cycle. And yes, I was alos doing drugs when on this last cycle run. I'm ashamed of myself every morning now. I can't seem to cope with life as easily as just last year at this time. The only thing that I can rely on to help me right now, is to again hit rock bottom. ANd this scares the **** outa me as it did a number on me last time.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, depression, etc since I was a kid. I'm not blaming my current problems on these, btu I know it doesn't help much. Hopefully I can begin to turn things around here soon.

 

[B5150]

lifted,

It took me 35+ years to start to recover. Sometimes I regret it took so long. Then I am grateful it didn't take longer...or worse yet never and die that way.

I am at work and can't share much right now. Do not beat yourself up about things. Guilt and shame are substance abuse security. Stick around this thread and I (or some other recovering addict) will share more with you.

There is hope.

 

[lifted]

Thanks for the kind words b5150. I'll stick around and listen up to any suggestions. I'm thankful to just have someone listen. My family are the only ones right now that I can confide in, but I don't wanna break their hearts as they think I've left this kind of behaviour in the past. THey've seen how far I've come since then. I've held onto jobs, put on roughly a hundred lbs. of muscle, went from a crackhead looking 150lbs soppin wet, to a body that resembles power and discipline. I'd just hate to throw that all away....

 

[EEmain]

If you`ve been around then you know the basics...

HOW it works- Honesty-Open mindedness-Willingness.. You`ve taken a step and a big one-HONESTY
If you truly desire it you will keep an open mind and be willing to go to any and all lengths..

Go to a meeting, do it tonight. Open your mouth and tell others how you feel right then!!!!!
Do not be afraid those you need will be drawn to you as you to them.. Trust the process my friend
it is working right now.. you did find this thread and open up!

 

[B5150]

lifted,

I'll try to squeeze a few suggestions in here during my luncn...so here goes.

Isolation is sometimes good for some. The problem is that leaves guys like us alone with a addict/alcoholic. Go to a meeting. For me, when I was struggling with 'drugs', I had attended NA, and to be quite honest it didn't do much for me either. Some very very bottomed out individuals were there, and I had not seen that far down yet. I found all the things I did not have in common with them rather than what I did. When I was on drugs I was a functional addict. Had a good job, lots of cash, a home, a car, etc. These guys were in meetings rather than living in dumpsters. I thought I was better than them. I was wrong.

I actually got the most out of AA meetings. Though I am an addict as well as an alcoholic, my experience is that I found more issue resolution discussion in AA meetings. There were more people who were successful in their professional lives but were alcoholic. It may have been that I was ready, but I found that AA was more helpful. The principles are the same.

Now, on to my suggestions about the meetings. I am not a big meeting pusher. But I did go to 2 a day for 90 days when I was in my first months of recovery. One of the things that was most helpful was picking up a Big Book. Little blue book...at most every meeting you find one, or someone who has one or can get you one. Read it!!! Read it again!!! Look for all the things that you find that you have in common rather than what you don't about the stories in there.

What you will find, as the book will tell you, a practice of principles that are proven to be successful to get and keep sober anyone who is willing to go to any length to get it and keep it. It also gives you a common focal point to discuss with a complete stranger. It puts you and everyone else in the room on the same page so to speak.

I'm running short of time. If you are unable to get to a meeting here is the Big Book. Seriously give it a read.

About you and a meeting. Open you mouth and say what is on your mind and how you feel. Then shut it...and listen. There is someone who knows what you are going through. There is something that someone is going to say that will be exactly what you needed to here. And believe it or not what you said may be of some help to someone else who needed it.

Be well.

 

[lifted]

Thanks guys...I'm gonna try to get to a meeting then. I don't really have any spendable cash right now, so I couldn't really get ripped now if I wanted to. I'm gonna check one out tomorrow night because it's payday and I don't wanna be bored and get swayed elsewhere. I used to go to this exact one when I was 16,17 years old. Hopefully some things will have changed since then. I appreciatte the open ears that you offer.

 

[motiv8er]

Lifted:

You just described me to a T.

I have battled through addiction in the past from drugs/alcohol. Was in and out of rehab, kicked out of the house, getting into trouble with police, locked up, etc. I did all that AA/NA stuff back when I was a tad younger than I ma now. And honestly, it just didn;t make it for me. I actually think going to those damn meetings just made it even harder for me to quit. I think that they are actually doing people more harm than good.

The only thing that helped me recover was hitting rock bottom. Shortly after that, and not being able to look at myself in the mirror anymore I isolated myself from everybody/everything. For about a year and a half, I stayed at home, went to work, and went to these BB'ing forums in hope that I could get on track with building a better body, and building a better me. Well, these forums were a godsend to me. I quickly started putting on weight, clearing my mind, and just being a happy person again.

After about two years into my training, I started using AAS/PH/PS's. Got greast results from them and used them responsibly. BUT, that didn't last for too long. Shortly thereafter I began to use AAS as a crutch. I started hanging out with old friends again cuase I was feeling SOOOO much better and thought that I could use drugs/alcohol in moderation and be okay with and responsible. PFFF....yeah right.

At this moment in time as I type this, I am again a drug addict. I haven't told this to anybody else in real life. THis is the first. In the past 4 months or so, I have begun taking pain killers again, drinking again, and smoking weed like it's fvcking drinking water. The only reason I've been able to somewhat control my useage this past month was becasue I'm doing my PCT at the moment from a four month cycle. And yes, I was alos doing drugs when on this last cycle run. I'm ashamed of myself every morning now. I can't seem to cope with life as easily as just last year at this time. The only thing that I can rely on to help me right now, is to again hit rock bottom. ANd this scares the **** outa me as it did a number on me last time.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, depression, etc since I was a kid. I'm not blaming my current problems on these, btu I know it doesn't help much. Hopefully I can begin to turn things around here soon.

As I write this I am scared shitless at what I am again capable of. As I have had to rebuild my mind, body, and soul again. I feel like I've been through a long playoff season of Russian Roulette, and winners don't take **** home.

The story you just shared was where I am at down to last penny. What you've just shown me is in your pain there is understanding for others to gain. Who knows, maybe some self-respect.

Right now I am spending a lot of time alone. But that is where I get my strength; please find where yours is and keep it close.

Peace Man,

MATT

 

[Cuffs]

Man, I feel bad with the title I chose for this thread. I had no idea I would see these types of posts. I just want to say I admire everyone's bravey with sharing, and candace of these stories.

I really think we should start a thread dedicated for this type of life experience. Maybe title it Batteling Your Inner Demons, or something like that. I believe it would be a great help to everyone here.

One gets very lost in their own world, and either loses, or refuses to see life problems that we/others battle.

"Never judge a man until you have walked in his shoes."​

I can't remember who said this, but these words of wisdom should be followed, IMO.

 

[ryansm]

I agree Cuffs. I didn't realize there were so many people on this board that are just like me. . .

 

[EEmain]

Motiv8er and lifted... All of us who have recovered tell the same stories, just the names and faces change.
The program is the BOOKS.. do not be swayed by some meetings you went to long ago.. War Story meetings
are what they are called " Man I remember the good old days." But if the days were so good what the hell are
they doing in the rooms anyway. The are many kinds of meetings.. Big Book.. Beginners.. Step.. Speaker..
Tradition.. Anniversary. If you don`t like the meeting go to another.. then another untill you find somewhere that
you feel at home.

When you get there "OPEN UP." :wave: Don`t sit in the back, sit up front.. Raise your hand and share what you are going through..

"The new person is the most important one in the room." Ask for phone numbers.. AND THEN USE THEM!!!

Stay away from the women!! "Two drunks will get drunk before one gets sober."

Ask about a sponsor. Ask about a book. Grab literature and spread it about your house.. Anything you can do to GET A DAY is good.

"A drunk alone is truly alone." There is a big difference between SOBRIETY and so dry is he.. I`ve been there. Stayed dry for months
made no changes and got drunk. "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

Trust me guys a great gift has been laid at your feet.. I accepted it and am alive. Two of my closest relatives didn`t and they are dead...

 

[B5150]

I wanted to take the time again to thank you guys. Those of you who are recovering in whatever way and through whatever method. I do also thank those who may still be battling to get sober who have the courage to share. I have had a great desire to share my experiences. I had been doing so at another board...not the right place. The following are some quotes from the last couple posts at that other board. I have bolded some for emphasis so you can see how very grateful and pleased I am at the "spirit of embracing one another" that has taken place in this thread. Not just of me, but of one another as a community. Thank you all for allowing me to share.

Well it is kind of fitting and ironic in regard to New Year resolutions. Today is my 35th month sober. Funny thing is I never made a resolution to do so. I just did it. In early posts to this thread I posted a quote something to the effect of "do not swear an oath, but let your yes mean yes and your no mean no". The truth is...it does and has for 35 months. I no longer make resolutions. I just adjust according to my intention.

This year I do have a desire to share my experience with men and women who are struggeling to get or remain sober. I have done a life times worth of R&D in regard to substance use and abuse. I have also learned a lot through educating myself in regard to many aspects of addictive lifestyles, behaviors, family dynamics and so on. I am hoping to make the time and apply the effort to getting some formal education in regard to the matter. Not that I want to do it to learn for myself, but that it may give me the opportunity to apply myself in the field in some sort of capacity. It would certainly be a complement to the recovery and sober life of my own.

Quite candidly, I was such a great **** up in regard to my previous lifestyle and behavior I consider myself quite an example of a transformed life. A good day during my substance abuse days is a nightmare in contrast to even a miserably bad day today. Today I have life, life abundantly. There are so many who still suffer and cannot find life. I would surely enjoy a feeling of accomplishement and fulfillment if I could apply myself in this area in a greater capacity.

Happy New Year to all.

Three years clean and sober. Looking back at what this thread was full of and who did what they said and who did not, I am very, very grateful for all of those that contributed. Especially those that still use and abuse drugs and alcohol. You guys are priceless and invaluable to me.

At the end of the day I have only God to thank for the miracle that has taken place in my life. The only thing I contributed is my ability to rely on Him to transform my life.

The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.

Those of us who have recovered from this, watch in powerlessness, what you go through, both in pitty and empathy, knowing we were there, and rejoicing that we are not. We moreso remember to have a respectful fear of it returning full bore at any time.

As I have said before, we have to distance ourselves from those who are acute and chronic, and associate ourselves with those who are recovering and in remission. If I haven't made it clear to you, I am no better than you for being sober, I just know what needs to be done to get and stay there.

I was once desperate too, and nothing really changed. It was when I got serious did I get done what needed to be done.

If any have not read thru this thread I do encourage you to do so. Somewhere in it you may find a testimony and a transformed life. To those who may be battling with their addictions, I hope that you can see through my testimony and example that there is hope. To those who have supplied me support and encouragement, I thank you. My time here is done.

Farewell to all.

 

[B5150]

Wanted to post...for my own recovery process.

There is a very tightly bound trigger for me and that is anger. Not anger in the normal, controlled state, but uncontrolled to the point of rage. Now looking back on my previous post regarding my background, it is no surprise that I battled with anger. But through most of my years my resolution to my problem with anger was acting out in selfdestructive bouts of rage via the path of rebellion.

Through most of my early teen years I was demonstrating my rebellion (unconsciously it was unresolved anger) by doing the things that were over the top (so to speak). I was the guy that pushed the limits with the girls. I was the guy that drank the most. I was that guy. I spent the entire 4 years of HS stoned. I mean I would be to the point of baked. Initially it was to see how far I could go with it without getting caught. But soon I realized that most the teachers didn't care. I would sleep through most of the classes until I would fail to have a clue of what the class subject was about.

Fast forward to the last year or so of my substance (alcohol) abuse. I drank 18 or more bears at a time several to every day of the week. I would drink on the way to work, on the way home from work. It got to the point that the only time I was driving was when I was drunk. I would drink on my way to my first court mandated alcohol class, on a suspended liscence no less. I drank and got two more DUI's. I had unresolved issues of anger turned to rage, and ultimately outrageous behavior.

My point is that I am still working my program and my self awareness. Today for example...I was triggered. There is some very serious injustices going on at my job. I took over the workload of my boss, who was fired months ago. I am now doing his work, which by the way he was getting done, but not actually doing, so none really know the extent of the effort. I assumed this responsibility with no compensation. I carried my department for a couple months until they finally got some help. Well, long story short, the help is no help at all. They are a liability rather than an asset. So now I still do the workload of my previous boss...and the work that the paid help can't do. Yet I am told how I should appreciate these guys for at least being here. In the end I am furious. I'm rambling on about the details....it is the conclusion that matters.

I learned something today. When I was enraged about the situation I was in regarding my work, the next thing I know I was thinking the old way. My thought was allong the lines of; I'll show these motherfvckers...I'll get me a 12 and get ripped. I'll still be here to get paid. But while I'm here "I'll show them". I will be the most rebellious SOB you ever knew.

My name is Brian...I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict.

 

[EEmain]

The steps help you clean up the past so you can deal with today...
Ask your sponsor to elaborate on resentment and how it can affect today..
This is not meant to sound cocky but "Get some face time." The beauty of the program is one alcohol/addict
helping another.. Or put another way When two or more of you gather together in my name I am there also. Or
something like that :thumbsup:

 

[houseman]

Brian... reading your last post I see a lot of yourself and experiences in myself. No drugs or alcohol to be abused. Just people - including me.

My rage, too, stems from my growing up and more importantly my Mother. Every single piece of anger and hatred I have in my body is all a result of the unresolved feelings and anger steming from my youth.

It's interesting to read the words of another and be able to see yourself in them.

Thank you for your words and sharing.

 

[B5150]

The steps help you clean up the past so you can deal with today...
Ask your sponsor to elaborate on resentment and how it can affect today..

Sound advice. When you get to the end...start them all over again.

This is not meant to sound cocky but "Get some face time." The beauty of the program is one alcohol/addict
helping another.. Or put another way When two or more of you gather together in my name I am there also. Or
something like that :thumbsup:

You are so right. Big piece missing in my life right now. Lots of folks in my face...none that I want there.

Thanks for the support EE

 

[EEmain]

NP B5150!

 

[ryansm]

Wanted to post...for my own recovery process.

There is a very tightly bound trigger for me and that is anger. Not anger in the normal, controlled state, but uncontrolled to the point of rage. Now looking back on my previous post regarding my background, it is no surprise that I battled with anger. But through most of my years my resolution to my problem with anger was acting out in selfdestructive bouts of rage via the path of rebellion.

Through most of my early teen years I was demonstrating my rebellion (unconsciously it was unresolved anger) by doing the things that were over the top (so to speak). I was the guy that pushed the limits with the girls. I was the guy that drank the most. I was that guy. I spent the entire 4 years of HS stoned. I mean I would be to the point of baked. Initially it was to see how far I could go with it without getting caught. But soon I realized that most the teachers didn't care. I would sleep through most of the classes until I would fail to have a clue of what the class subject was about.

Fast forward to the last year or so of my substance (alcohol) abuse. I drank 18 or more bears at a time several to every day of the week. I would drink on the way to work, on the way home from work. It got to the point that the only time I was driving was when I was drunk. I would drink on my way to my first court mandated alcohol class, on a suspended liscence no less. I drank and got two more DUI's. I had unresolved issues of anger turned to rage, and ultimately outrageous behavior.

My point is that I am still working my program and my self awareness. Today for example...I was triggered. There is some very serious injustices going on at my job. I took over the workload of my boss, who was fired months ago. I am now doing his work, which by the way he was getting done, but not actually doing, so none really know the extent of the effort. I assumed this responsibility with no compensation. I carried my department for a couple months until they finally got some help. Well, long story short, the help is no help at all. They are a liability rather than an asset. So now I still do the workload of my previous boss...and the work that the paid help can't do. Yet I am told how I should appreciate these guys for at least being here. In the end I am furious. I'm rambling on about the details....it is the conclusion that matters.

I learned something today. When I was enraged about the situation I was in regarding my work, the next thing I know I was thinking the old way. My thought was allong the lines of; I'll show these motherfvckers...I'll get me a 12 and get ripped. I'll still be here to get paid. But while I'm here "I'll show them". I will be the most rebellious SOB you ever knew.

My name is Brian...I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict.

I don't have the problem of anger, in fact I never found what the problem was. But I had the same lifestyle as you growing up.

When I'm angry like that, I find solace in God, and it helps. Not to preach. . .

 

[B5150]

When I'm angry like that, I find solace in God, and it helps.

I very often do as well. Then there are the times that I want to take matters into my own hands. Not the best hands to be in. I often find that after I have 'failed' in a particular area, it is because I started thinking and living by my flesh (old nature) rather than the Spirit (transformed in nature)...pondering my will rather than His.

Not to preach. . .

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another".

 

[ryansm]

I very often do as well. Then there are the times that I want to take matters into my own hands. Not the best hands to be in. I often find that after I have 'failed' in a particular area, it is because I started thinking and living by my flesh (old nature) rather than the Spirit (transformed in nature)...pondering my will rather than His.

I see what you mean, I have recently started learning this concept. Something I will never again go without.

 

[ryansm]

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another".

I wish I could follow up on this one, but. . .

Well said.

 

[B5150]

Update on my journey back to sanity:

Preface: The consequences of my lifetime of substance abuse began to take place on 2-1-02. On this day I was sentences to 8 month in the department of correction. The charges that I faced were two counts of aggrevated DUI and one count of aggrevated assault. The two charges of DUI had a presumptive of 2.5 years each, with a min/max of 1.25-3.75yrs. Keep in mind that I was charged with my second agg/dui while in the process of being sentenced for the first.

As you can see, the judge was very gracious in giving me two consecutive sentences of 4 months each (mand. min in AZ). I received 3 years probation for the agg assault and 4 years probation for the DUI's. Additionally I had my driving priviledge revoked for a minimum of 3 years.

Recent past: Upon my release from DOC I was to complete manditory substance abuse counceling. Which I completed promptly. I was also left with the tremendous challenge of returning to the work force with a 3 felony record. Keep in mind that all of my lifetimes worth of savings was gone from supporting my family while I was in prison, and I had piled up a ton more debt after the savings ran out. After a period of time searching, I was blessed tremendously with employment equal to and/or greater than my previous positions. There were two periods of unemployment lasting up to 4 month each after that. Each time I got just about even, I would find myself unemployed. Come above water again to fall under. Recently I have been employed for 1 year as of the end of this month. All this time doing so by car pooling and getting rides to and from work from my wife.

Present: As of 4-11 I completed my three years revokation period. Last night I had an 'evaluation' by a subsatance abuse councelor. Her report was part of the documentation need on the forms for an application for approval to re-instate my driving priviledge. I await the DMV approval within 7-10 working days. On Monday a request from my probation officer to early terminate my 4 years probation at just over 3 years goes before the sentencing judge. I also await his judgement.

At this moment: I am torn by tremendous frustration, as I have lived as a 'prisoner' of my consequences, still, after being released from prison. As each day comes closer to the potential end of this, each day becomes more and more of a challenge to hold together my sanity. Still, there is a part of me that is rejoicing with gratitude. As I have had the opportunity to have my life transformed by the positive ways that I have handled and accepted the consequences of and responsibility for my action. I am brought to tears at times by my frustrations...and then to weeping by my gratitude.

I thank Judge Kepple for the tremendous grace he had shown me by imposing justice 'enough' to convict me of and sentence me for my behavior, but grace enough to leave me just enough substance to salvage myself and my life. I thank God for the trustworthiness as he has demonstarted His love for me, by accepting me as I am, and loving even more so, to not leave me as I was. He has been faithful in being my strength in my weakness and my power in my powerlessness.

The hardest part of a journey is the first and last steps. Thank God that He carried me through all of these step thusfar. Thank you guys for giving me a place to share my testimony (not knowing why, but having faith that it will matter)

Brian

 

[BOHICA]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted in this thread. I used to be a major alcoholic, but attributed it to "being social", "college life", "meeting girls", etc etc. I have now toned it down, after many close calls with the law, and other things. I wan't to give up drinking totally, but without if I find myself to be shy and annoyed when I go out places. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, they are all good people, but enjoy drinking more than the average person. I don't want to blow them off totally and not go out or hang out with them, but I also don't want to put myself in situation where I am tempted to take that drink. 5-10 years down the road I want to be able to have a nice glass of wine with my future wife, and not wish I could have the whole bottle to my self. lol. Guess I have some reading to do...

 

[ryansm]

You have to establish priorities. Friends come and go. What is right for you is what is important. Picture yourself 5-10-15 years down the road, and where your friends will be.

 

[EEmain]

B5150 been where you are... Faith without works is dead. Look at the 4th and 5th steps again my Brother..

 

[B5150]

B5150 been where you are... Faith without works is dead. Look at the 4th and 5th steps again my Brother..

At your suggestion I have. I hold no reservations for any justification for my actions or whining about my consequences. I whole heartedly deserve worse, as many many of my actions are unwitnessed and uncharged. I have had the opportunity to confess those 'unspeakables' to several others and more often to God. I welcome any additional insights or food for thought, as I am one to go to the root, and am unaffraid to dig deeper. I can always learn something new.

Just for clarification, I was not by any means dismissing the fact that I earned all of my situation.

 

[EEmain]

It has been my experience, with myself and those that I have sponsored, that any time you are feeling lost there is more work to be done...
It doesn`t always have to be about us however.. "Face Time" can mean both you and your sponsor or you helping another person find sobriety.
When we focus on someone else we stay out of our own heads... My first sponsor used to say "Do not go upstairs without adult supervision."


Self pity is a drink in disguise.. as is anger, envy, resentment ect... I do not judge people who are seriously trying to recover, well I try not too . However I do practice rigorous honesty when it comes to sobriety.. and people sometimes see this as they want too..

You need to stop beating yourself up for the past. By the grace of God you are and have been sober for sometime now.. This is where 6 through 9 come in to play..

 

[B5150]

Grateful you are there...thank you.

 

[B5150]

On Monday a request from my probation officer to early terminate my 4 years probation at just over 3 years goes before the sentencing judge. I also await his judgement.

Probation: Terminated. Just received documentation in the mail today. As of 4-20-05 I have been off probation.

Present: As of 4-11 I completed my three years revokation period. Last night I had an 'evaluation' by a subsatance abuse councelor. Her report was part of the documentation need on the forms for an application for approval to re-instate my driving priviledge. I await the DMV approval within 7-10 working days.

An unexpected clerical error has delayed this. Approval could be in within the next 6 business days. Prayers for peace during the wait are always good.

The hardest part of a journey is the first and last steps. Thank God that He carried me through all of these step thusfar. Thank you guys for giving me a place to share my testimony (not knowing why, but having faith that it will matter)

Brian

Bump. Courage to share has brought me some good things from this board.

 

[NPursuit]

I'm glad to hear things are working out for you B5. Keep it going man! :thumbsup: