Sometimes I question the sanity of my life, guys. Over the past week I've had the enjoyable company of the girl of my dreams. You know that girl you dream about?
Imagine having that girl being so beautiful; more beautiful that your self-esteem would allow to be even "somewhat" logical to have as your own, her awareness, and her company so warm and caring..... Intelligence and kindness beyond your assumptions that you allow for normal human females......
I've been dating THAT girl for 2 weeks, with promises of plenty more. Seeing and hearing all the signs that she will not be super serious but "somewhat" serious. I can't say I've fallen for her, but I've never been with anything even remotely like her.... And I have incredibly high standards. Over the past two nights I've had evidence of different thoughts on "seriousness" from my mind and hers. Then imagine after a bit of drinking, that she admits that she doesnt want a "boyfriend"at all because she's in love with somene still in her hometown 1000 miles away. It all hit me at once over two nights (if that makes any sense). Of course the BIG one hit me tonight telling me she doesnt want a boyfriend at all. She's not interested in anyone else at the moment, but that still doesnt make me feel any better compared to her ex-bf that she's "still" in love with. (after 1.5 years) Admittance she refrains from, but I know the truth. Heartache like this only breeds more hate, more killer instinct in the gym. I feel so used. I'm so angry.
I feel that I've been had. All the preaching, all the talk that I make about trusting someone too much and I fall into the same FUCKING TRITE category that I labeled so many others under. I am such a creature of my own creation.
Oh she still wants to "be the same way as it was" but she keeps having headaches or not feeling well (only over two nights)...... but still I just don't find any comfort in that AT ALL. I'll probably fall under the same false pretense, but I'll be destroyed again with lies lies lies...
Tonight, while I was talking to her friends, she hit me with that bomb. That she didnt want to be that "serious". Which I didnt even call "serious". Dating eclusively, but not super serious.... Anyone understand that? I did.... She didnt... she exclaims that she doesnt have anyone else that she's interested in....
I'm under extreme pain and I want to just explode. I'm not even logical right now I don't think. I had this feeling a few days ago and it came to a head and hit me with its full brunt tonight. From now on I'm trusting my gut instinct. It has always been right, though my heart has never trusted it.
I always try to give advice to others about their relationships and help them. But my own are so FUCKED UP. I just don't care anymore. I hurt so bad. Its hard to explain such a hit to my ego, even the little bit of ego that I still had.... My confidence is completely shot, I have nothing left. I've never ever ever been able to even have a normal relationship with a girl, something always has to be FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF....
Forgive my complete exposure of my soul. But I cant stand it anymore. I'm a magnetic attraction for klingons or "users"...
I just don't care anymore...... I just want to stop and take a rest for a couple centuries.
I quit. I fucking quit. Any girl, of my high standards, lets me down hardcore, some way or another. I've just gotta get my brain into the actual "believe none of what you hear and half of what you see" attitude. School is so important, and I'm going places that I just can't get my head into that game. I've got to completely seperate myself from that BS. What's the point of wasting my time with that half-assed ****?
Imagine having that girl being so beautiful; more beautiful that your self-esteem would allow to be even "somewhat" logical to have as your own, her awareness, and her company so warm and caring..... Intelligence and kindness beyond your assumptions that you allow for normal human females......
I've been dating THAT girl for 2 weeks, with promises of plenty more. Seeing and hearing all the signs that she will not be super serious but "somewhat" serious. I can't say I've fallen for her, but I've never been with anything even remotely like her.... And I have incredibly high standards. Over the past two nights I've had evidence of different thoughts on "seriousness" from my mind and hers. Then imagine after a bit of drinking, that she admits that she doesnt want a "boyfriend"at all because she's in love with somene still in her hometown 1000 miles away. It all hit me at once over two nights (if that makes any sense). Of course the BIG one hit me tonight telling me she doesnt want a boyfriend at all. She's not interested in anyone else at the moment, but that still doesnt make me feel any better compared to her ex-bf that she's "still" in love with. (after 1.5 years) Admittance she refrains from, but I know the truth. Heartache like this only breeds more hate, more killer instinct in the gym. I feel so used. I'm so angry.
I feel that I've been had. All the preaching, all the talk that I make about trusting someone too much and I fall into the same FUCKING TRITE category that I labeled so many others under. I am such a creature of my own creation.
Oh she still wants to "be the same way as it was" but she keeps having headaches or not feeling well (only over two nights)...... but still I just don't find any comfort in that AT ALL. I'll probably fall under the same false pretense, but I'll be destroyed again with lies lies lies...
Tonight, while I was talking to her friends, she hit me with that bomb. That she didnt want to be that "serious". Which I didnt even call "serious". Dating eclusively, but not super serious.... Anyone understand that? I did.... She didnt... she exclaims that she doesnt have anyone else that she's interested in....
I'm under extreme pain and I want to just explode. I'm not even logical right now I don't think. I had this feeling a few days ago and it came to a head and hit me with its full brunt tonight. From now on I'm trusting my gut instinct. It has always been right, though my heart has never trusted it.
I always try to give advice to others about their relationships and help them. But my own are so FUCKED UP. I just don't care anymore. I hurt so bad. Its hard to explain such a hit to my ego, even the little bit of ego that I still had.... My confidence is completely shot, I have nothing left. I've never ever ever been able to even have a normal relationship with a girl, something always has to be FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF....
Forgive my complete exposure of my soul. But I cant stand it anymore. I'm a magnetic attraction for klingons or "users"...
I just don't care anymore...... I just want to stop and take a rest for a couple centuries.
I quit. I fucking quit. Any girl, of my high standards, lets me down hardcore, some way or another. I've just gotta get my brain into the actual "believe none of what you hear and half of what you see" attitude. School is so important, and I'm going places that I just can't get my head into that game. I've got to completely seperate myself from that BS. What's the point of wasting my time with that half-assed ****?