- 11-01-2012, 10:12 PM
Hey guys, I dont post to much but I am feeling pretty down. I am wondering if anyone here is going or has gone through this ( sexless marriage) I have been married for 7 years, together for 9 and have a little girl! For the last 3 years my wife has let her self go, let our once great sexlife go and I am lost! I am in great shape, very muscular and good looking guy and I have always got the job done in the sack! But her desire is GONE!!! I have voiced my opinion many times over the last few years and nothing has changed! I feel stuck, but I have a baby girl to take car of now, how do I leave! Why would a woman who says she loves me, not do the things she needs to do for US!!! She makes excuses about work and bills bla bla bla... its a copout to be lazy and not put in effort and try! I dont know what to do... I am tired of feeling this way! I have turned down sex from other woman to stay faithfull but I feel that slipping away, I want to cheat at this point! I dont know if this is a good place for this post, but I felt like I had to get this out of my system!
- 11-01-2012, 10:16 PM
I hope it gets worked out. Hopefully you are able to sit down as a couple and discuss some things. I don't think cheating is at all the thing to do. Sex is a very important part of a marriage but it isn't the only part. I hope she can find the marriage important enough to talk things out and make some adjustments. Maybe try to do something crazy and creative to turn her on.
I pray it all ends up working out.Ω Omega Sports Representative Ω
The Omega Vision Ω Honor. Integrity. Trust.
- 11-01-2012, 10:27 PM
This is a video we watch when we go on couples retreats as part of the military. It may be worth you and your wife sitting down and watching it, and using it as a guide to how you to are with each other during the day.
Hope this can help!BPS Rep*All posts are solely the opinions of myself and do not reflect the opinions of BPS*
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11-02-2012, 12:46 AM
why dont you just rub her thigh, lick her ear, kiss her neck, caress her nipples, **** like that to turn her on. if that dont work, then just roll over in bed and fart on her. works for me all the time
11-02-2012, 12:51 AM
Hahahaha damnnn homie this just have me a good laugh. "roll over and fart on her, works for me all the time"Originally Posted by ThunderHumper
11-02-2012, 02:07 AM
You can go to terapy or check if her hormonal output its ok but .... Im sorry to say this if she dont want You in bed its because youre not in her heart a woman in Love is a woman comitted whit her men so stop jerking off and find a real relationship someone who really cares about You
11-02-2012, 02:31 AM
If she won't give it to you, just take it from her.
11-02-2012, 02:44 AM
If she will, still tie her up pretend she won't and take it from her.Originally Posted by FL3X MAGNUM
PES Representativehttp://pescience.com/insider http://facebook.com/pescience
11-02-2012, 01:33 PM
Honestly, this is very legit advice. If she is willing, and you may need to convey to her how important it is to you, and be extremely sensative/supportive, get seen medically and have her hormones etc checked out. If they are not right, it could be as simple of a fix as medication. If they are all normal, consider going to therapy. It can be just her, or both together, or a back and forth of the two.
The sad thing is when people do not do what they know they need to do and rather let something fail.
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11-03-2012, 01:01 AM
First is try to make sure something isn't physically wrong hormone, thyroid , etc.
11-03-2012, 01:16 AM
Awesome!Originally Posted by ThunderHumper
To OP, have you tried taking her on a date? Maybe plan something to relieve her stress. Go hunting, camping with her or simple shoot something with her. Always works for me to get my women out of a slump.
11-03-2012, 03:36 AM
My wife and I had back to back babies. Literally she was pregnant 4 weeks after my daughter was born. Her hormones got way our of whack and it took a long time for libido to come back to normal. I'd say a marriage is an investment and you have to put in the hard work for a return. There were days I was down right unhappy but things leveled out. Being unhappy in a marriage can be an awful season but eventually that season will change. Those vows aren't always respected these days as they once were. But you are the one who committed to them and need to find a way to make it work.
"Dynamic Trio's Superior Third"
11-03-2012, 06:14 AM
11-03-2012, 07:01 AM
First thing, I was in the same boat as you for about a year and a half I refused to have sex with my wife. I got so angry with here with some of the things I thought she wasent doing right in our relationship I didnt want anything to do with here. The biggest thing you need to do is sit down and talk !!! Ask her what you might be doing in your life thats dosent make her happy, are you playing video games more then spending time with here, hanging out with friends, not helping with chours around the house. If you want here to do something for you you have to do something for her. Im on a phone right now so im gonna cut this a little short, you want to get her panties wet, wait till shes out of the house for a whole day and clean the entire thing top to bottom, or build/get her something shes wanted for the house for a while now. Lastly, start buying her a small buqet of flowers once a week, and you put them in a vase for her some where through out the house. This stuff may not work at first but give it a month or two, dont give up man. Always remember the most important thing in this situation is your daughter having a loving family thats the greatest thing you.can give here severthing else is second place. Im routin for ya man hope everything works out for you.
Bigcountry's Getting a little smaller: Epi/Stano Log
11-03-2012, 07:33 AM
OK I know what you are dealing with my friend. I was in a situation a lot like yours. I was married for almost 7 years and the last 4 was hell to be honest. We had kids and yes she didnt work, spent all hours of the day on facebook and tv and finding ways to spend money. We have twin boys together. The last 4 years sex was non existing. I know it sucks and at times its hurt full. The whole time you think, whats wrong with me?
Come to find out we just grew apart ,also she was talking and seeing others ( I found this out later ).
Let me tell you what I did, I talked to a friend she had been my friend for years and I trusted her. When I figured out that I am not whats wrongs with this, I told her I wanted out. The hurt and lonelyness had took its toll. I needed to find me and be happy, with sex or without. It was hard for me and my kids, But In the end I was happy. I ended up getting back into the gym lost over 45 lbs and was back in the lifestyle I learned to love so much. I spent the next year not even worrying about sex ( Yea I was getting it ) but I spent time getting me and my kids where I wanted.
I got the friend and girl off my dreams now, asked for her hand almost one year ago, We are now married and I couldnt have imagined a marriage this great. We are talking about having a kid of our own now. I truly am blessed.
What I am saying is this. When You are not happy, you need to make YOU happy. Nobody else can do it for you. You should talk and see what is truly going on with her first, break plates and punch walls if needed but,! Make sure you take time to listen to what You are really Needing, not just wanting I dont know if this will help or not but good luck and keep us posted we got your back bro!
Here is my loghttp://anabolicminds.com/forum/supplement-reviews-logs/216779-bigguy-vs-wilpit.htmlhttp://supplementreviews.com/users/mhseaver670/reviews
11-07-2012, 08:44 AM
Thanks for the replies guys... Yes I have tried allot of things, like clean the hole house, detail her car, ect. I end up trying things like that and my return is "thanks, what else did you do today" its just never enough... the more I try the more I am let down!!! I endend up telling her lastnight that I need her to make a change, that I want her to get back into shape and start taking me more serious! I endend it by telling her I refuse to have another baby with her and this marriage is not going to make it this way unless these thing change! I have had many conversations like this with her before, but this time I made sure she was listening!! I am going to leave this in her hands, I will continue to try and to be a good husband but if she does not step up I am worried we wont make it! With her track record over the last few years, my hopes are not high, and this I am very sad for! I dont understand how a woman that wanted to be married and have a family, let her own marrige get into the dumps and not make a real effort to get it back to what it was... What a joke!
11-07-2012, 08:52 AM
Another thing about what a person needs... Sex is a big part of being with a woman to me, it makes or breaks things and how close you feel to her! I have always been with a woman that was in shape and had a good drive, when you spend 3 years like I have I know feel like I am wasting away whats left of my youth and shape on someone that does not want to be with me anymore! I feel she is so depressed with how bad she let her self go, that me staying in shape only has made it worse! So why not woman up, and do what she needs to do!
11-07-2012, 10:30 AM
I didn't read the other responses, so some of this may have already be covered.
I am somewhat of an expert on this; seriously. I was married to the most sexually selfish woman in the world for 27 years. It was awful I did everything, and I mean everything to try to change things. Nothing worked.
The more I tried and the more things failed; the more resentful I became.
So what did I learn from that? You can only change yourself.
Whatever you do - do it soon so that the resentment you have towards her (and you have it), doesn't erode the entire relationship (and it will). The relatively small percentage of time you are in bed together will dominate all of the rest of the entire relationship. That unhappiness will kill the relationship.
Thankfully, in my case - we are now divorced, after having put up with that crap for all of my adult life. While I am happy I filed for divorce and eventually got rid of her - I truly hate divorce.
But in my case, I had very good and biblical reasons. She committed adultery with her best friend's husband and then several years later, she committed adultery again with her boss (they both worked at our church). So, she withheld sex from me, and gave it to two other guys. I am sure she will continue this with her new husband. It isn't about the sex; it is about the control.
After her first affair, we went to extensive counseling to deal with this. We counseled with a true expert; a man who has written two books on adultery and lectures throughout the US.
His conclusion, while we both had unmet needs in the relationship (which is the case on 100% of marriages), she was a narcissist, had attachment disorder, flirted with me to feed her narcissism, and she acknowledged she withheld sex as punishment and for control.
First - DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE. Regardless of anything else, you have to maintain your character. People who chat on their spouses are selfish pigs.
Second - go to counseling. Spend whatever you can afford to fix it, it will be less costly than a divorce.
Third - do not keep a sexual scorecard. If you do, you will probably wind up killing her.
Fourth - working with your counselor, set boundaries and limits. Let her know that you are very unhappy and (if this is true) willing to divorce her.
Don't "leave it in her hands" - she won't do jack crap and she isn't the one complaining; you are. YOU need to FIND a counselor; not expect her to solve it. She can't solve it. She won't solve it.
Whatever you do - be up front and be a man.
My guess is that she may be passive/aggressive and passively getting even for something you did, something you didn't do, something she thinks you should have done, etc.
11-07-2012, 11:12 AM
Yeah man I've been through what you have. I wasn't married to her but we were engaged and stuff. She didn't want sex due to money issues that made her depressed. But I NEVER cheated on her. I was down,depressed, very low self esteem. Then we broke up. I'm getting back in shape, I'm spending money on me and my dates and I couldn't be happier. When the above posters say do what you need to do for YOU, definitely do it. Staying in an unhappy marriage will only kill you man.
11-07-2012, 11:27 AM
Thanks guys, the sad thing here is that I have never seen anyone actually work though this....they end up in divorce or breakup! I know for a fact I cant live like this forever, she attacks me when I bring this stuff up! I tell her I will do what she needs me to do if she puts in the same effort and she acts like thats a negitive thing, I think she actually is just fine with how things are and would live the rest of her life like this! Not ME!
11-07-2012, 11:49 AM
Think about what you've just said:
"she attacks me when I bring this stuff up! I tell her I will do what she needs me to do if she puts in the same effort and she acts like thats a negitive thing, I think she actually is just fine with how things are and would live the rest of her life like this!"
And this is the person who you will "leave it in her hands" to fix?
Is it just me, or is that the worst possible thing you could do? She will fail, using your criteria.
I am not trying to be a d!ck, but I do not think you can fix this, nor do I think she can - you need someone who "does this".
If you had cancer what would you do? Would you leave cancer in her hands to fix? Would you leave cancer in your hands to fix?
I hope not. You would go to an oncologist.
You do have a cancer; in your marriage.
And, I read that you have children. Once that is the case, the "if we don't have sex, I'll divorce you" essentially becomes a last resort; unless, of course, you look forward to some other man raising your child and your paying child support until the child is 18. And that is the least of it, your child will suffer.
As to fixing it yourself, you might want to remember what Albert Einstein said: "Insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
11-09-2012, 08:05 AM
Have you ever sat down and asked here, since she dosent want to have sex with you, if its all right for you to have one night stands/ humping budy? And if she gets angry about it ask her why, she obviously dosent like sex herself other wise she would do it with you. Or if theres something she really likes to do (go to the movies, hobby) tell her she has to give it up, why is it fair that she can enjoy something she likes and you have to suffer. To me theres a huge underlying issue here you need to find. With holding sex usually means someone has resentment for someone else because they dont really want to be around that person and sexual intamacy is the ultimate form of togetherness.
Bigcountry's Getting a little smaller: Epi/Stano Log
11-09-2012, 08:23 AM
Well a little update, the issue seems to be she is just does not feel attractive because of the wieght gain over the years, and does not know why I would even want to have sex with her at this point! But then why do nothing to get back into shape, she has said this before but does nothing about it!!! After 2 days of going at each other about this... she says she wants me to write her up a weight loose and workout plan! So I will do this and will help her, I hope she sticks to doing this because I basicaly told her were not going to make it like this!
11-09-2012, 09:44 AM
I can see that you will come up with a plan (thinking she will lose weight and you will have more and better sexual relations, after all that is what she said), and she will probably not follow it.
My ex-wife said the same thing - it never went anywhere. For example, she asked me probably 20 times to put a supplement plan together for her and buy the supplements for her. I did (each of the 20 times); after all - this would lead to more and better sexual relations, right? Isn't that what she said?.
SHE NEVER TOOK THE SUPPLEMENTS. THERE WAS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE.
This is the magic solution?
I wonder how all of the other women with body issues (close to 100%, I assume) but who have a healthy libido seem to do it?
You backed her into a corner by forcing the issue, so she put the responsibility back on you.
Look, I've heard all of these types of excuses before.
I have heard every excuse from she doesn't feel sexy because of her small breasts, to she thought "all I wanted her for was for sex", to her admitting she was "sexually selfish", and "now understand that men actually need sex" etc. Each discussion lead to a new promise; one that was never fulfilled - and that she made no attempts to fulfill.
This went on for 27 years. 27 years. And, of course, I wanted to believe it would work "this time"?
If you have ever seen the Charlie Brown cartoon strip/cartoons, then you might know that the character "Lucy" always promises to hold the football for Charlie Brown, so he can run up and kick the football. Each time she promises not to pull the ball away, but each time she pulls the ball away - on purpose. Each time she pulls the ball away, he goes flying into the air and crashes to the ground. And each time she promises to never pull the ball away again.
You see, Charlie Brown also hopes and trusts that it will be different "this time".
We did the Charlie/Lucy thing for 27 years. I'll leave it up to you to determine if the Charlie/Lucy situation applies to you.
I continue to strongly urge that the two of you will continue the same dance until you resent her so tremendously that you eventually can't stand her and will sabotage the relationship.
I suppose that is an option; but it isn't one I am optimistic about.
Did you ask her to go to counseling?
11-09-2012, 10:09 AM
Ya I agree with you, I am not holding my breath and you most likely are right! I will end up destroying the relationship because of my feelings of being put to the side!!! At this point I feel its going to work or it wont, and if it ends up with us being in the same boat... then I am going to look like the *******! I will live with it I guess, but what I cant live with is this situation I am in! I thank you Bro's for talking this out with me, it has helped for sure.
11-09-2012, 10:15 AM
From a woman's point of view here.. You need to look a little deeper to your problem. She needs to check her hormones to see if everything is up where they need to be not knowing how old you both are is hard to tell. Also she may suffer from a mild depression cause of hormones ... and the worst of all maybe she don't feel the same about you anymore. Is a complex problem and you both need to get to solve....
11-09-2012, 10:17 AM
11-09-2012, 11:39 AM
Well I think she does have mild depresson becuase shes not what she used to be, she has always been hard on herself about her weight even when she looked great! Also if she does not feel the same about me, then why not tell me and we can both move on with our lives! Even if that is true she wont fess up to it... I have never been that A hole that would complain about gaing 10-15 pounds ethier... She is now 30 years old and about 50lbs more then she was 3 years ago, I am 32! She has been getting worse with the sex drive for about 5 years and the weight just piled on!
11-09-2012, 11:56 AM
Im not sure what your guys dynamic is but as time goes on all relationships go through trials and tribulations. In most cases it the us (the person complaining) that needs to change. So look in the mirror and find out what you are doing different. Alot of the time we think that we are loving our spouse the best way possible but the reality is we are not loving our spouse the way they want to be loved. There are 5 love languages that everyone speaks.
1) Acts of Service- Doing dishes, washing the car, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn ETC.
2) Gifts- Presents, jewelry, giving something as a surprise etc
3) Words of Affirmation- Hey baby, I believe in you, you are so great at this..., you look pretty or handsome, something nice and from the heart
4) Time- Spending time with that person doing what they want to do
5) Touch- hugging, messaging, showing love in public (holding hands) sincere love in your touch.. Doesn't have to be sexual
These five are all that we do and like having done to us. In most cases we do to others as we like to be done to ourselves but that is selfish.
Perfect example: The successful CEO who travels all of the time to take of his family and provide (ACTS of SERVICE). He thinks he is doing the right thing but his wife hates that he travels and wants him home with the family more (TIME) even if it means less money. He thinks he is loving her in the right way cause that is how he would want to be loved in his eyes but he has to understand that his wife speaks a different love language so they have a bad marriage, she wont have sex with him anymore because she is internally mad and so he decides to cheat, they break up and do it all over again with a different person and have a bad marriage again. This is very common in today s society.
The point I'm making is that you need to try this for a couple weeks and lets see what happens. You know what her love language is because it is what she does all of the time and asks you to do all of the time. Do it! Even if it means you are inconvenienced. Let me know if that makes sense and I can explain more if necessary. Be the husband you would want your daughter to have. Our actions wont hurt us in most cases but our passed down to our kids and they suffer for our actions. Be a man of Character.
11-09-2012, 12:44 PM
Man, I went through this same exact thing 18 years ago. In hindsight, I can't honestly tell you what went wrong. We just kind of fell out of "lust" with each other. The love was still there and it's sounds like it is for you guys, too. We divorced and both eventually remarried. What was weird is that we both went into super sex drive mode when we broke up! We had a few ex-sex moments that were off the chain!
Maybe we should have just separated, ****ed some other people, and got back together. Wish I had more for you but mine just ended in divorce which ended up being a really good thing.
11-09-2012, 01:17 PM
From your comments, you seem to be thinking about this only from your own perspective. It sounds like you want sex, and you see your wife as a sort of ATM machine where you just have to push the right buttons (clean the yard, say the right things, etc.) and sex will fall out. If she feels that you're simply trying to persuade or cajole her to get what you want, and that you're reacting with a frustrated sense of entitlement and whining when you don't get what you want, that might explain her coldness.
It may just be that she has no sex drive. And if she does have a drive, it may be that her fantasies don't include you. Either way, you ought to spend some time trying to figure out what she really wants. For what it's worth, asking her point-blank probably isn't a great way to get the information, especially if you've been acting victimized and making her feel unsafe to say things that might hurt you more.
11-09-2012, 01:19 PM
Love is a action word and takes work every day. Its something you do and NOT something you feel. The love part doesn't actually start for 2-3 years after your relationship begins. That first two years are the emotion part (lust). People are always seeking that feeling that they first had and that's the problem. You wont have that again. You have something better then that if you open your eyes and remember why you chose her/him in the first place. Everyone wants the easy way (thinking with your dick) and no one likes hard work anymore (doing whats right).
I have found that pu$$y is pu$$y, but love is something much deeper.
11-09-2012, 01:41 PM
I still never saw any response to questions about seeing a counselor. Is it possible you want it to fail because you feel resentful already and just want a "good reason" to get out? Because your attitude seems to be "she needs to or else" and a counselor could help you see both sides of this story, and feel a little more compassion and love for your wife, who sounds like she is struggling.
11-09-2012, 02:33 PM
The ex and I were married for 16 years. I forgot to add that part. We lived without sex for 3 years. I had a good friend at the time who was in a sexless marriage for well over 10 years! I have to say it won't get better on it's own. I'll give her a call and see what she says. I would guess it was because she had no identity other than mom and wife. Once she got free, she really got herself back. Does your wife work outside the home?
11-09-2012, 03:00 PM
She is a child counsler her self, lots of schooling! Were are very tight on money so I really dont think we can afford one... I mean a big part of this is in the beginning she started giving less effection as well, the hole thing kinda came down all at once. Then eventually the crash happen, I spent the first 2 years trying to do everything... when I would come home I would try and hold her and kiss her every day! She would pull away from me and I just could not understand this, when I say something she says I sound like a girl!!! That was the very start, soon after the sex drive fell off but we still had good sex when we did. Now with the weight gain the sex is not good even when we do, I lost my attraction and I am already resentfull for all of this! Trust me when I say I miss all of it, its not just the sex... its that connection when you look at each other and all else falls into place! I have told also told her its not just the sex, it the hole pagacke of being in love with someone.
11-09-2012, 03:20 PM
You can pay now, or pay later.
My relatively simple divorce cost me $19K in Atty's fees; just mine.
I wrote her a $200K check for 1/2 the equity in the house.
I paid $2500/mo. for child support and "spousal" support. That was only for 1 child; the other two children were over 18.
Do the math.
P.S. - I think you meant whole package.
11-09-2012, 03:51 PM
11-09-2012, 03:52 PM
11-09-2012, 08:22 PM
I hate to ask, but is it possible she cheated? I had an engagement that felt a bit like you are describing your marriage... She was having a shotgun wedding a month later to someone else. I don't understand why else someone would just turn off to you unless there is someone else. But that's probably just because of my experience
Also, since you say it happened all at once, was it right after a fight? Is there something that happened that wasn't resolved? Did she catch you looking at porn? I don't really get it.
See a counselor > cheaper than divorce every time. You won't show her your marriage means anything to you if you don't push to fix it
11-10-2012, 11:06 AM
Has she been like this since you met her? Maybe she was sexually abused as a child.. or sexually assaulted.. that can cause those kinds of problems.
It could be that she has some body image issues as well.. maybe depression or anxiety?
You need to put her needs ahead of yours right now and take the time to find out what's wrong with her. If she can't talk about it, tell her to write you a letter.
There are tons of possibilities of what it could be.. But you need to figure it out if you want your marriage to work out.
Her being on FB all day and not doing the household chores isn't acceptable, especially if you're the one bringing home the bacon.
If talking and counseling doesn't help, as a last resort.. think about a trial separation?
Good luck to you.
~ Airborne42's girlfriend ~
- using mobile version, can't rep -
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