- 03-29-2010, 03:06 AM
I just want to start off by saying that I'm not getting married and this isn't about getting cold feet or getting older and feeling like I have to get married soon.
I don't understand the draw to get married. In my mind if two people are happy and in a committed relationship for many years then why must there be another title to have (married)? Why can't they just be happy with it the way things are? I see my friends getting married and it doesn't bother me until I see them having real issues about dumb **** that never used to be a problem when they were in a relationship. It seems that the married title brings on a whole list of issues.
I'm not saying marriage is a bad thing by any means either. My parents are divorced but plenty of my other relatives have been married to one person their entire lives and seem to enjoy it.
The thing that got me thinking of this is that I have a daughter now (shes 4 months old) and me and her mother have decided to give it a go at dating again. We were not together when I found out she was pregnant, but I was there for her and I am always there for my daughter. Anyway, she wants to get married and I really have never wanted to. She claims that she wants Payson (our daughter) to have a normal family". But normal is what you make it. There are plenty of people that have grown up perfectly normal with different types of family structures. Two parents don't have to be married to raise a well-adjusted child, they would need to get along. But as long as they get along (which her mother and I do) I think Payson should be fine.
I digress. What I want is some input about this topic (marriage). From people who are married, both men and women. As well as people that have been divorced or never plan to get married. The Question: why do people get married, or never marry and what are the benefits over being in a committed long term relationship v. marriage. And if you want to give other input I won't hold it against you.
Thanks - Nate
- 03-29-2010, 05:17 AM
Well i dont have much to say, but i think its all hype a lil bit i dont really see the big idea.. BUT!! in saying all that im getting married in 3weeks, so ill let u know hahaha...
03-29-2010, 06:44 AM
03-29-2010, 11:07 AM
So I'll make the disclaimer that Im not married. I do like the idea of it and probably will get married one day. I do think that it has lost its importance in todays society. Its too easy just to give up and get a divorced. I think views on it are shaped by how we grew up. I am lucky enough that both my grandparents and my parents are still married. If your thinking about doing it just make sure its because you truely love the person. Like you said. You have been there for your ex and daughter since you found out she was pregnant. No matter what your daughter will know that you love her. But Ive never been a fan of the idea of getting married for kids, or staying together because of the kids.
03-29-2010, 11:13 AM
Forget mainstream beliefs. Live your own life. If you love someone, a simple title isn't going to make or break a relationship.
I see myself getting married someday , but who knows. My parents went through a nasty divorce and haven't spoken in 6 years, dad's remarried, mom won't ever get married again. Who says marriage is for everyone. I say f*ck it. Live your life the way you want and screw everyone else.
03-29-2010, 11:47 AM
I don't know whether I'll ever get married or not, been to a crapload of weddings and it just doesn't seem like something I would be happy with at this point in my life (LOVING the single life! Dating > marriage, in my opinion!). It does annoy me when people pressure others to get married though... and usually it's married people that you see pressuring others. I agree with what EustisPanther said above about living your life the way you want and that if you love someone a simple title is not going to make or break a relationship.
For the sake of discussion, and from a podcast I was listening to I would like to bring this up though:
Ask yourself or your friends this:
Do you think that it's in our nature as human beings to pair-bond/pair up with someone for life? If it was in our nature, would the the word and concept of "marriage" even exist? Wouldn't it be something that we just did naturally, without even thinking about it, labeling it in the way that we do, and taking the extra effort to stay with one person for the rest of our lives?
Just something to think about, though we also have to realize that being human it's also in our nature to attempt to create rules and judgements for people in our society, regardless of what's in our "nature", which separates us from the animals.
03-29-2010, 01:15 PM
03-29-2010, 01:33 PM
The best advice I can give you is decide what YOU want relationship wise and stick with it. Listen to what others say and make your own decisions about what you do/don't want.
I was raised in a Catholic family where both my parents and grandparents are still married. I'm expected by them to find one girl, get married, get her pregnant and start a family. Well that just ain't me. It took a couple of failed relationships for me to figure this out but now I'm much happier knowing exactly what I want in a relationship and life.
Just be up front with the girl when she starts with the relationship talk. Tell her how you feel about it and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not.
03-29-2010, 01:40 PM
I've thought of this a whole lot in the past few years. I was really in love w/ a former gf and she talked about marriage and I still had this thought in the back of my mind. I don't know if people are supposed to be with one person forever. A good amount of animals aren't just with one mate forever, but we're human so we should be able to act differently and control our urges (I've seen and answer phrased that way) And then I've seen people saying that its "our primal way" to want as many mates as we can have.
In short. I don't know the answer maybe its just different for different people but I'm pretty sure there are VERY few women that eventually don't want this title after being with someone for a long time, or even a short time sometimes (which I still don't understand what it changes).
03-29-2010, 01:44 PM
Men have the biological imperative to spread their seed as far and wide as they can. Women have the biological imperative to separately get pregnant from the best seed as well as to find someone to be the provider + protector for her offspring.
That all said, any of your friends who suddenly had issues just after getting married had to have changed other things as well in their lives together. the mere title doesnt change anything, but if they suddenly decided to share a checking account for instance, or something along those lines then it could start leading to further arguments. After all, its cheaper to have "employee + spouse" for insurance, but whose check does it come out of? etc.
03-29-2010, 02:56 PM
Hey Nate, im divorced but am engaged currently. It will always come down to your preferance but I believe if you meet the right girl, you will know something is different and you may suddenly want to. BTW How old are you?
When I got married I was not 100% sure it was the right thing to do. I though it would stabalize and strengthen our relationship but it didnt, it has to be there before you make the commitment.
So it might not be you, it might just be the women your choosing, but what I can tell you from my experience is that it will not "fix" a relationship that your unsure of, but when you meet the right person you will know, it will still be a big deal(the idea of getting married), but it will be exciting not intimidating. Good luck man
03-29-2010, 02:58 PM
03-29-2010, 03:39 PM
03-29-2010, 03:43 PM
03-29-2010, 04:36 PM
I knew this girl who told me she wanted to wait till she was married to get intimate. Respecting her wishes I agreed to wait. After the wedding I excitedly inquired about our agreement........... She told me NO she couldn't cause she didn't want to cheat on her husband! WTF Right?! Lyin b***h! he he ha ha
03-29-2010, 05:30 PM
Now this is opinion, and based off of the last 2000 years and not this new trend...
Reason 1 for marriage: An "intimate" relationship will not be blessed by God if it is not just in his eyes. Therefore
Reason 2 for marriage: It does provide a healthy "normal" life for a child. It is not "what you make it". For some of us(I am guessing you) and even me, anything can be accepted for normal. But remember you do no yet know your child's future personality. And wheter or not they can accept that as normal highly depends on that fact alone. Some can, some develop sever disorders or a complex over it. (One of the reasons of "girls with daddy issues").
Reason 3 for marriage: Trust in one another and a "commitment", as in a bond that shows your trust that you both believe in your love. Marriage has a very strong psychological impact on the emotions of those partaking in it.
Now onto the facts, as is stated. If you dont Love her, dont marry her. Then you will take away chances of your kid having a normal life because both you and the mother will end up miserable. But if you do lover her, marry her. There should be no issue.
Relationships that are not bonded by marriage teach that love is "disposable". Regardless what anyone will come in ranting about that comment, it has become a proven truth. Look at our society and how many women are nothing more than cum dumpsters, and how many men have multiple kids with different women, etc. Each generation of kids is growing up more screwed up than the last do to these things.
That is all of my opinion and input, bust of luck and may your choices be inspired and guided by someone far greater than us.
03-29-2010, 05:35 PM
03-29-2010, 06:29 PM
03-29-2010, 07:05 PM
Why does God consider marriage just and not a committed relationship that lasts a lifetime. Lets say this: both people live together and are committed to each other for the rest of their life and both believe in God, go to church and all that jazz. What is the difference?
Relationships that are not bonded in marriage do not teach that love is disposable. Love is different for everyone to some there will always be another to love while others believe there is one and only one person that they can every truly love. And to those people I find it hard to believe that love is disposable.
Family is exactly what I said "what you make it" I have friends that have no living parents or have never met their true parents and to those friends their family are their friends families or friends (ex: me and my parents) and that "family" (even though it might not be a real family to you) is their real family and would do anything and everything for them.
"Trust and commitment" are not proven with a marriage you can show both with out a ring, certificate and tax exemptions. (last part is joking but my point remains the same)
So if I don't marry her then my child will be miserable, and I'll take away her chances of a normal life. Not to get snippy but what qualifications do you have to talk about the life impacts of divorce or having two parents that do not live together? Or is this speculation.
I grew up completely fine because of the work that both my parents put into my upringing, and they went through a horrible divorce when I was in 3rd grade.
03-29-2010, 07:59 PM
Yes you get screwed up children from any bad situation, of course you do when there are around 130 million births a year. Whether the parents are married or not some will turn out bad its just statistics.
03-29-2010, 09:28 PM
As for the God issue, well that is between you and him I am not here to preach. I am trying to "adjust" my presence on this board, and establish a more appropriate representation of my belief without upsetting too many people. If you want a more in depth breakdown of the Bible's take on it, and the scriptures and sections to read, or the Christian concepts, PM me. This is my new rule. Unless a thread is openly dedicated to religious discussion.
03-29-2010, 10:55 PM
I plan to get married one day to my girlfriend. I love her dearly. Besides the spiritual beliefs I have regarding it, I want to have a family, and I want us both to be there for our children. If we can be there for each other, and commit and work to having a good and healthy relationship, then I believe that will get passed on to our children. Who will thus have better relationships and understanding with the people in their lives.
To me, marriage and children are a step toward spiritual enlightenment. Granted, I may have a different opinion after being married for 5 years and/or after having a few of my own spawn. But I'm trying to stay positive here.
03-29-2010, 11:54 PM
03-30-2010, 11:01 AM
03-30-2010, 11:25 AM
03-30-2010, 01:24 PM
I'm 35, a woman and I have no plans to marry in the near future, or have children, (my own reasons) but in the meantime I am going for my second degree and living life, if it happens we shall see, but I see it alot in my girlfriends, who settle for someone who isent there ideal or even someone that should be considered, ( My good friend's boyfriend gave her a empty ring box with a IOU in it)....I mean laughable.....
I say live your life, and it will all fall into place....
RIP Ryan, :(
03-30-2010, 04:22 PM
BTW Nate, here's a good article that definatly made me understand and appreciate marriage more.
Its called "5 non-religious arguments for marriage"
03-30-2010, 08:10 PM
03-30-2010, 10:53 PM
RIP Ryan, :(
03-31-2010, 05:49 PM
ďMarriage is not a noun; itís a verb. It isnít something you get. Itís something you do. Itís the way you love your partner every day.Ē ― Barbara De Angelis
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