A comprehensive guide to Substandard Swill.

  1. A comprehensive guide to Substandard Swill.

    Throughout life we all tend to make mistakes and bad choices. At sometime or another we have all particulary made a mistake/bad choice with beer. So, with that being said I have compiled a comprehsive review on the most raunchy and worst tasting beers to help you make a smarter choice next time around.

    Miller High Life: Unless you have been living under a rock for the past 15 years, you already know it's a well established fact, err, marketing ploy, that this swill is the ''official champagne of beers''. Even if you have been living under the proverbial rock, it's written on the frigging bottle. Anyway, it's a great beer for getting ****faced at that first high school party senior class house party. Hipster posers and losers who think they are ''punk rock'' will continue to drink this rat piss throughout college, insisting upon it's ''ironic'' value. Head factor is next to nothing. This beer will be rendered unpalatable if it is left in its container for more than 5 minutes- In other words, drink these bad boys fast! If you are over the age pf 25 and still drinking this ****, seek professional help immediately.

    Natural Ice: What would the white trash lifestyle be without Natty Ice? We don't even want to begin to ponder that question. This reviewer has had nothing, but bad experiences with this putrid brew. In one instance, his friends destroyed his entire porch set after downing a few of these. On another occasion, it let to him getting laid- oh wait, maybe not so bad after all. The actual taste is comparable to a sock, stuffed with ringworm-infested cow manure and left out in a puddle for a week. I would not reccomend this poison only to the most desperate. At 5 to 6 bucks a 12er, it seems a real bargain. Then again, Busch or OV just might be the smarter choice for about the same price.

    Colt 45: Everyone needs to try this at least once, even if it's at a ''ghetto'' themed house party. Only available in 22 and 40 oz. containers (would it be any other way?) The 22s sell for only 99 cents(before tax and deposit) at most stores. Taste-wise, the Colt is far more tolerable than some of the ranker malt liquors. Not that it tastes good; anyone not accustomed to the taste of malt will regurgitate the vile liquid in about three seconds. Colt 45 has a nice golden appearance, which is betrayed by the predictabily skunk taste.

    Red Dog: We all remember the aggressive ad campaign Miller launched years ago to promote its new baby, Red Dog, as some sort of gourmet beer. They even had the nerve to price it up in the big leagues. In accordance with the business ehtic of the rest of American industries, our brewers seem unable to vomit anything but the worst swill from their vats, and Red Dog is no exception. Within a year of its initial release, Red Dog found its rightful place on the shelf next to Ice House, Stroh's, and Milwaukee's Best. The Tv commcercials became relics of the past real quick. This concentrated cat piss tastes like a less alcoholic Ice House.

    Old English: Have a few of these if you ever get the wholly insane idea of solicting disease laden Genesee St. hookers. This malt liquor has a reputation for being the prime choice of the down-and-out on a good night. Usually priced a few cents more thans its sleazier competitiors.

    Silver Thunder: This should win the award for the worst of the malt liquors. Even a crack smoking bum might find this offensive.

    Ice House: See Red Dog entry above. Ice House is basically the same beer with a slightly higher alcohol content. Must be served ice cold or else. If you must get drunk cheap, Ice House is a surer route than Natty Ice or Milwaukee's Best.

    Steel Reserve: Holy f-ing ****balls!!! This malt liquor weighs in at 8% alcohol, the result of a new trend in the business of ghetto brewing known as '' High Gravity ''. As far as I can tellm this means that it contains less water and more of the stuff that makes you beat up your mom because you can't find your cigarettes.

    OV: A great beer for the eldery drinkers. Not so great for anyone else, unless you just got laid off from the dye-stamping factory. The full name, Old Vienna, is quite deceptive, considering that over in Austria and Germany there are strict laws about the way beer must be brewed. In other words, OV would be seriously outlawed there.

    Genesee: Long considered a local favorite, this dreck is more popularly known as what you purchase when your down to the last $3 and really need to get trashed. Sadly, this beer is also what is usually found flowing at a teenager's keg party. Our future generations deserve so much more than this to get properly started down the long road to career alcoholism. So, if you're ever approached by a group of kids asking you to buy a keg for them pitch in a few dollars yourself and get them something of higher quality- such as Bud, Coors, or mud.

    Pabst Ribbon Blue: Once touted as Lynchian villain Frank Booth's beer of choice, Pabst Blue Ribbon(PBR, for those in the know) is now the drinking choice of the artsy-emo-intellectual wanna be pretentious people. The more discerning PBR aficionado actually prefers to drink straight from the aluminum can, causing their breath to smell like a salt-corroded tire rim. We can only guess their goal is to suffer for their art. Dip****s. This ''beer'' taken in any form, will not make you look, act, or be smarter. Its consumption is an obvious indicator that you hate yourself and are planning a murder/suicide in the near future. if you catch any of your friends drinking this, slap them in the face until their horned-rimmed glasses fall off and call an ambulance.

    Milwaukee's Best: Anyone with a cursory knowledge of American binge-drinking culture knows this beer simply as '' The Beast ''. This is the poster child for ****ty beer. Sold at the same price as the Natty products (Best comes in light Ice and Light varieties), this low quality brew should be the last resort for any given occasion with three exceptions:

    1) You are a college student and the financial aid office just ****ed you over big time.
    2) You live in a certified trailer park
    3) You need to get laid, the only girl that will go for your pathetic self is over 300 pounds, and you would rather not remember the occasion the next morning.

    Taste-wise, well, let's not even go there. This swill has little to no head, and a perfect urinous hue.

    Bad brew is nothing to mess with, but sometimes we can't afford the good stuff. So, whether you're a dabbling dliettante or a die-hard selfsoiler, I hope this guide will serve you well.

    Happy Horking!

  2. Good Post!

    I stick to Corona and Guinness, so I'm all set..

  3. I enjoyed this also.

    Guinness: There is no better beer in the world.

  4. Quote Originally Posted by bigpetefox
    Good Post!

    I stick to Corona and Guinness, so I'm all set..
    LOL Pete, Corona is considered piss water in Mexico. They laugh at the American population that has made this a top seller.

    Try Tecate or Dos Equis. Them are some good Mexican beers.

  5. Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs
    LOL Pete, Corona is considered piss water in Mexico. They laugh at the American population that has made this a top seller.

    Try Tecate or Dos Equis. Them are some good Mexican beers.
    True, but I like it.. El Pacifico is better IMO..

  6. Quote Originally Posted by Cuffs

    Try Tecate or Dos Equis. Them are some good Mexican beers.
    Tecate wil some lemon and powdered chilli is the ****

  7. Quote Originally Posted by FalseProphet

    Silver Thunder: This should win the award for the worst of the malt liquors. Even a crack smoking bum might find this offensive.

    LMFAO, this reminds me of Bling-Bling, the crackhead from Bumfights.

    BTW, good post.

  8. Dos Equis is good brew. Smooth and good when cold.

    Killians red has a bit of a strong initial taste, but good none the less.

    Modelo is also a good Mex beer. It has a bit of the skunky taste at first,but it grows on you.

    Red stripe is different, but good. Original taste and smooth.

    Bohemia (sp) is a good beer, which resembles modelo, but a little bit better tasteing IMO.

    I usually drink bud lite, which is smooth and easy. Good for catching a staedy buzz. I heard an enzyme is added to it for the smother taste.......which is what causes you to have a hangover.

    Michelob/mich lite is a really good beer. Taste good, smooth and enjoyable.

    One of my favirite beers is Hornsbee apple cider. A bit higher in alc, but tastes good, smooth and refreshing.

    Thanks FalseP, I now realize why I can't get rid of the fat on my midsection!

  9. All you guys need help. Whiskey is the only way to go, I could be saying that only cause I grew up in KY. I'll take Wild Turkey 101, Bookers, or Southern Comfort 100 anyday.

  10. Southern Comfort. Now your talkin.

  11. Sam Adams here!

  12. Quote Originally Posted by bigpetefox
    True, but I like it.. El Pacifico is better IMO..
    Collosal bump on that.... Pacifico is the bomb...first tried it about 4 years ago. Ah yes, I was slurping those down in mexico just a few days ago

  13. Wow. Still doubting these posts are yours, but that was nice. I was reading along and started thinking "Where's the Steel Reserve?" and sure enough there it was. Back in Ohio everyone had three beers. You had your expensive sipping beer, mine was Heineken, you had your cheap get piss drunk beer, Natty Light or Natty Ice, and your average night out beer which was predominately Bud Light. I got out here to Colorado and got a job bouncing and everyone was drinking PBR. WTF? Back home only people's dad's and Vietnam Vets at the VFW drank that ****.

    Beer drinking aside, who can forget MD 20/20? Back in the day when you had to steal your alcohol and the corner store had tons of banana red and orange flavored piss in a bottle that was nice and flat so you could easily smuggle it out in the waist of your pants. You have not seen puke until you chug a nice warm bottle of MD twenny twen.

  14. hahahah, I was waiting for a king cobra write up


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