The Retirement Stimulus Plan - AnabolicMinds.com

The Retirement Stimulus Plan

  1. Diamond Member
    Jayhawkk's Avatar
    Stats
    5'8"  230 lbs.
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Age
    39
    Posts
    12,790
    Rep Power
    11679

    Reputation

    The Retirement Stimulus Plan


    Dear employee As a result of the reduction of money budgeted forall department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
    number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thuspermitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnelby the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effectimmediately..

    This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobsoutside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records beforeactual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be calledS.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers)..

    All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with uppermanagement. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by HigherAuthority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R .P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee whohas received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED bythe company.

    Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that thecompany will continue its policy of training employees through our: SpecialHigh Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all of the S.H.I.T. you can stand.. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

  2. I know nothing...
    DmitryWI's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Age
    35
    Posts
    2,532
    Rep Power
    1410

    Reputation

    LOL Good one
  3. Elite Member
    Zero V's Avatar
    Stats
    5'10"  163 lbs.
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Age
    27
    Posts
    6,286
    Rep Power
    7012

    Reputation

    Jay....You have just explained everything, as perfectly as it possibly can be. Bravo!
    •   
       

  4. Senior Member
    ABNRanger's Avatar
    Stats
    6'1"  200 lbs.
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Age
    47
    Posts
    1,284
    Rep Power
    15974

    Reputation

    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
    All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
    job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
    The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
    The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
    The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
    The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
    "Done!" replies the government official.

    And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
  5. Diamond Member
    Irish Cannon's Avatar
    Stats
    5'8"   lbs.
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Age
    27
    Posts
    12,615
    Rep Power
    74317

    Reputation Reputation

    Ya...

    and veterans are now going to have to foot medical bills from injuries received during their time served in the military.

    Here this...

    Coming next will be having to claim health insurance given to you by employers as income.
  

  
 

Similar Forum Threads

  1. Mirco's Response to Retirement Speculations
    By VolcomX311 in forum MMA
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 09-28-2009, 02:03 AM
  2. 3 Tips For Staying Active Into Retirement
    By merkel in forum Female Fitness
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-21-2008, 07:48 AM
  3. Ronnie Coleman announces retirement
    By John Smeton in forum News and Articles
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 09-23-2007, 06:34 AM
  4. Cro Cop announces retirement!
    By CNorris in forum MMA
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 05-30-2007, 04:15 PM
  5. Jerry Rice to announce retirement.
    By natedogg in forum Sports Talk
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 09-17-2005, 12:40 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Log in
Log in