The Retirement Stimulus Plan
- 03-16-2009, 09:09 AM
The Retirement Stimulus Plan
Dear employee As a result of the reduction of money budgeted forall department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thuspermitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnelby the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effectimmediately..
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobsoutside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records beforeactual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be calledS.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers)..
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with uppermanagement. Â This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by HigherAuthority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R .P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee whohas received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED bythe company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that thecompany will continue its policy of training employees through our: SpecialHigh Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all of the S.H.I.T. you can stand.. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
- 03-17-2009, 12:23 PM
- 03-17-2009, 06:18 PM
03-18-2009, 12:52 AM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
03-18-2009, 02:01 AM
and veterans are now going to have to foot medical bills from injuries received during their time served in the military.
Coming next will be having to claim health insurance given to you by employers as income.
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