I messed up really bad.. Now I'm gonna make it all right.

[factsmachine]

Mods feel free to move this where it needs to go.
I'm 19 years old, huge history of drug use, rehabs, whatever. Started working out when I was about 14 really serious. I gained 20 lbs naturally without much fat, about 10% body fat 150lbs. I was using scripted opiates recreationally. Hydros, oxy, tramadol, anything to maintain my mind state to stop it from going to depressed and anxious mode.
I was still using all these drugs when I decided to do a steroid cycle. I read up on everything really well, and I knew what I was doing. But I didn't do it right. I screwed up. I did a 4 week test 200mg/wk and epistane 40mg/day and gained a few good pounds. But I couldnt get my opiates anymore and would definitely go into withdrawl if I stopped, I wanted to change. After 2 failed detoxes, Here I am right here right in the middle of my cycle unable to workout and detoxing, withdrawing hard. I can't go to the gym yet. I've lost a few pounds from not being able to eat much during these detoxes. This time I am 36 hours into opiate withdrawl, and I am going to do this. Finish this withdrawl and get my life together.
So I had about 100mg of test left and thought what the heck, it would go to waste. So i did that about 5 days ago. I'm no doubt going to lose much of my progress and be shutdown for a while because the drugs distracted me from my weight training and my life, and getting started at college. I accept that now. So where do I start? I have another 5 days till I'm up to about 90% physically. Mentally, I will have a long ways to go. It will take a long time to get rid of the depression and anxiety that comes from getting off of these opiates. Plus being shutdown from my cycle that was a bad decision on my part, yes I realize that.
So what should I expect? Obviously I will be shutdown, have ED for a while, feel bad mentally and physically. How can I get through this? I know all of the work will come from me. But any advice will help me do this work. I've had severe insomnia since I was a kid, it makes everything much harder to deal with when I can't go to sleep and start again tomorrow. I am going to do this though.
Any flaming is understood of course because I am responsible for this mess I got into. I can't change the world before I change myself.

 

[Driven2lift]

No one will flame you if you are trying to get strait.
Of course you made a lot of poor decisions, but just try to make good ones from here on out.

First step is to get clean and stay clean.
Seek help if you need it. Get support. You have a long life ahead if you and it can be normal, after a short period of feeling like crap in withdrawal & recovery.

Stat determined and you will get there.
Physical activity is a good idea to help, but not overkill, as pain will only worsen matters.

After you are seeing improvement you could try out Amentomax with training, it has been shown to help in opiate withdrawal and will give you some edge to train again.
It is not marketed for that if course, and as with any supplement should not be used to try to treat any conditions, I am just giving a suggestion for down the road

If you havent yet, be honest with a doctor about the situation and get all the help you need

Good luck in recovery

 

[kenpoengineer]

I've followed your posts and all the recommendations given to you. You need help big guy! Opiate withdrawal is no joke as you are aware since you've tried before. Son, if I was your father I would want to help you. Please contact your parents or other family members for help.

 

[factsmachine]

I appreciate the help. I will get through this.
Those were very positive words. My body and mind will go first now, muscle will come second. Although the gym always has been a great outlet for many of us. That will definitely help in a few days when I'm up for it.

I wish I had parents to support me through this. Last time I was detoxing I wanted to move out of my dads house back to my moms because of all the problems with my dad. My mom didn't want me back, even after I told her I had already tied my noose (literally, not figuratively) and that I just wanted help. She didn't care at all.
I'm facing this alone. All my friends from high school are gone besides a couple I can depend on and at times they even seem distant.
These seem to be truths of growing up, most people this happens too. Mine is just a rather extreme example. 12 step meetings never helped me. What I really need is to find things I enjoy and people I enjoy.
Really, honestly, what do you people enjoy? I've lost sight of all of that, I just got back into regular life it feels like. I'm finishing the night off watching the Godfather. Haven't even cared about such things as movies in some time, this is how I already know I'm showing improvement. I'll get through this. I appreciate the help.

 

[mixedup]

Hi I feel like I'm in a position to offer advice and I really want to help. I've had to get sober and this board helped a lot many years ago. I too turned to exercise as my outlet any time I felt anxious I would run do pushup s burpees anything to tire me out my gym time became my get well tIme going there was my "hit" one day turned to a week to 2 weeks to a month I counted everyday for a long time my body started changing I started meal plans which also took up tIme I would look up recipes go to the grocery store just walk around look at nutrition labels anything to keep busy. I know I will always have an adeductive personality and could fall off any time so I stay strong my addiction now is health I am around good people who have my same mindset and help me stay on track. I KNOW you can do this it will be rough some days will be harder than others but I've seen many many people make it and you will to.

 

[factsmachine]

Absolutely brother. Its definitely not easy. I regard you for the changes you've made. Thank god for the internet. It opens up so much opportunity for improvement, or regression (if that's your thing). I read everyday online broadening my knowledge of the brain. That is my addiction, you could say its a fascination with transhumanism (ability to augment human functions to supra physiological levels with biochemistry and the like). Making our bodies better and growing is quite the addiction, it feels great too.
I'm getting ready for the gym now, I am out of bed now and my w/d feels not so bad. So I'm taking advantage of this opportunity.
Tell me more about your addiction history and how you got out of it, mixedup. Mine is with anything that relieves anxiety and depression. Visits with the psychiatrist only gave me benzos, a temporary fix.

 

[mixedup]

Hi facts I was addicted to a variety of drugs and was on anti anxiety and depression meds. I basically got out of through changing how I structured my day replacing bad habits with good ones taking it day by day every hour every day was an achievement

 

[Volvo140G]

Chin up homie! Fight the good fight, the other side is better than u can imagine!

 

[factsmachine]

I'm noticing improvements, everyday since I started klonopin. My verbal fluency is back, depression is gone, I stand up straighter, my hip flexors aren't so tight my knees hurt while standing, I have been more proactive in my life, getting set up with college, deciding I have a lot of work to do to obtain the life I want. Started eating better, working out consistently again, sleeping at night instead of during the day, talking to people, reading books. Damn, but I still have a long way to go.II'm calling a psychiatrist tomorrow to set up appointment and also getting blood test results tomorrow.
Can't wait! Things are looking much brighter! I appreciate the support. although the fight is far from over and everyday still involves struggle, I'm moving forward.
But klonopin is temporary.. I know this, I celebrated at my friends and relapsed with opiates but I feel less craving now that my life has balance. ****, even my boners are coming back ahaha.
Extreme, persistent mental stress and the effects of cortisol on the brain, turning on and off genes, chaning DNA and body overall shouldn't be taken lightly. I wouldn't wish these last couple years on my worst enemy.

 

[Lukef2000]

I'm noticing improvements, everyday since I started klonopin. My verbal fluency is back, depression is gone, I stand up straighter, my hip flexors aren't so tight my knees hurt while standing, I have been more proactive in my life, getting set up with college, deciding I have a lot of work to do to obtain the life I want. Started eating better, working out consistently again, sleeping at night instead of during the day, talking to people, reading books. Damn, but I still have a long way to go.II'm calling a psychiatrist tomorrow to set up appointment and also getting blood test results tomorrow. Can't wait! Things are looking much brighter! I appreciate the support. although the fight is far from over and everyday still involves struggle, I'm moving forward. But klonopin is temporary.. I know this, I celebrated at my friends and relapsed with opiates but I feel less craving now that my life has balance. ****, even my boners are coming back ahaha. Extreme, persistent mental stress and the effects of cortisol on the brain, turning on and off genes, chaning DNA and body overall shouldn't be taken lightly. I wouldn't wish these last couple years on my worst enemy.

I'll tell you this right now if your trying to get straight and your "friends" offer you drugs, they aren't really your friends. You have some tough decisions ahead of you bud. I have a very addictive personality and it my younger days it was alcohol and pot, which then graduated to speed and ecstasy, it's hard man I had to drop a lot of people out of my life.

 

[factsmachine]

Okay guys ready for the results? I wasn't...

I'll only post the abnormal ones.

Cholesterol: 239
LDL (bad cholesterol): 203
HDL (good cholesterol): 21
DAMN

Total Testosterone ref range 250-1100 mine: 47!!!! :O
Free Testosterone ref range 33.0-155.0 mine: 13.3!
Prolactin (they said this one was normal, but is still high. Ref range: 2.0-18.3 Mine 17.3
I still get night wood and had sexy dreams last night, but I only last a couple minutes and cant get a full hard on.

Liver:
ALT ref range 8-46 Mine 88
AST ref range 12-32 Mine 42


Once again, as the title of this threat states, I know I ****ed up. Now please, HELP ME!
Am seeing doc in one month then he's getting me an appt for an Endocrinologist after that, probably take longer..
Once again, I'm only 19 years old.

 

[factsmachine]

Mr. TT said this is the lowest testosterone level he's ever seen. I'm kinda clueless as to what to do right now other than wait and suffer. Another month till I can even do anything about this at all.